“You don’t release shit off your shoe, Mom. You wash it.”
“Let’s not get lost in the analogy, honey. The point being, it’s not your shit to begin with so why are you owning it? Why are you making it your problem?”
“Someone has to.”
“Do they though?”
“Mom, you’re up on stage every night telling people what to do.”
“I’m telling them about their worth. I’m preaching that women belong beside men in ruling this world, Sydney. That’s my calling.”
“Well, Mom, remember I started as a dog walker—I picked up shit for a living.”
“Maybe it’s time for a new career.”
“How did we even get on this topic!” My voice raises and so does Blue’s head.
“Robert told me what you’re hoping to do.”
Anger explodes inside of me. “What?” I ask through clenched teeth. Robert is talking to my mother about me. What in the actual fuck?
“He told me you want to burn it all down. I understand the sentiment. But Sydney, that’s not how it works.”
“You think you know how it works?” I ask. “And when the fuck did you talk to Robert?”
“He is my son-in-law. He’s always been very good to me. You know that.”
I lean my head back and close my eyes, taking in a deep breath. Robert is such a fucking snake. He’s always stayed close to my mother. Tried to convince me to have a relationship with her.
“Honey, I didn’t call to fight. I just wanted to see how you were doing. I’m sorry.” She does sound contrite. “I want to see you. I want a good relationship. I want you to stop trying to remake the world—to burn everything down, as you so delicately put it—and recognize how lucky you are.”
“That’s why I want to burn it down, Mom! It’s not fair, can’t you see that? It’s not fucking fair for some people to have so much and others to have so fucking little!”
“But if you burn it down then no one will have anything, particularly the ones on the bottom. Is that really better?”
Blue raises his head as Nila and Frank stand. The two younger dogs leave the room and Blue hops down, taking up a post in front of my bedroom door. “I have to go, Mom, someone is here.”
“I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you, too,” I say, even though I don’t want to. But she could die…or I could. And I’ve reached a point in my life that I don’t want the last words to my mother to be ones of anger. No matter how much she pisses me off. See, I’ve grown.
I hear Merl’s voice at the door. Mulberry shows him into the bedroom and he smiles at me. The dogs all greet each other with high tails and prancing feet. “How are you feeling?” he asks, settling at the end of my bed. The six giant beasts lie down around the room so that there is hardly any place to step anymore. I smile at the carpet of dogs. This is nice.
“I’m fine,” I say. “I just didn’t eat enough this morning. I’m not used to being pregnant. I doubt one has time to adjust before it’s over.” I smile at my own joke.
Merl smiles with me. “I see.”
“I talked to my mom. Told her about Rida.”
His expression softens into concern. “How did she take it?”
“Fine.” I roll my eyes. “You know, she’s got all that faith to fall back on. Annoys the shit out of me.”
Merl breathes out a laugh. “Yes, I’ve noticed that about you.”
“It’s just such bullshit,” I mutter.
“I think you may have it wrong, Sydney.”
“Oh really?” I grumble, my gaze falling to my hands where they rest on top of the covers…on top of my belly.
“Yes, faith can be dangerous. But so can not having faith. Humans can be dangerous no matter what. I know you like to blame religion for the ills of the world, but it’s just people. Beliefs are dangerous no matter where they spring from.”
I shake my head. “I think it’s different when you put an almighty god at the top of a pyramid and claim they are the one telling you what to do. Seems more dangerous to me.”
Merl shrugs. “I think we have to have some kind of faith to move through life. You have faith in Blue.”
“That’s different.”
“You’d kill for him. Die for him.”
“I wouldn’t enslave for him,” I point out.
“And neither would most people—for anything. Sydney, you’ve seen enough to know that even the most evil of men is still a human being. We are not just one thing. You are a killer, and soon to be a mother. You save lives and you take them. Two seemingly opposing things can be true at once. Accepting reality makes life easier.”
“I won’t accept the world the way it is.”
“Then it will be much harder to change.”
