everything that had happened. I was afraid to look at him, to see the disgust in
his eyes.
Paul lifted my chin. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.” His words were
fiery. “You were abused. That monster deserves to burn in hell.”
Instead of continuing our passionate exchange, we talked for hours about what happened, and what the next step would mean. Before I left that evening, I
promised I was ready for this change in our relationship, and my past was the past.
The next night, Paul was waiting with candles and sparkling water. He
toasted. “Caitlyn, you are the most beautiful person I have ever met – inside and out. Tonight, I want our souls, not just our minds, to connect. Will you share this journey with me?”
Paul had prepared the bedroom with soft candles and classical music. He kissed me delicately and undressed me, not taking his eyes from mine.
When we were naked, he patted the bed, “Lie with me.”
Nervously, I slid under the covers. “We’ll go slow. Tell me if anything scares
or triggers negative emotions.”
“I will.”
His fingers trailed over every inch of my body. It was as if he was determining which areas were traumatized. When he was done, he left the bed and returned with massage oil. “You are too tense to enjoy any pleasure.”
I blushed at how he stared at me. He pulled back the covers and squirted the
oil into his hands, rubbing them quickly before he placed them on me. Once again, he covered each part of my body. The massage was calming. I wasn’t sure
if it was his warmth or the healing scent.
As he kissed my breasts, I tensed.
“We should stop?” he asked.
“No, keep going. I’ll tell you if I want you to stop.” I blinked away the tears
in my eyes. I was not going to let Christopher control my life. This was my body.
Again, I flinched when he touched the moist area between my thighs. Will I always cringe when being intimate? I didn’t want the past to control the good things in my present life. His touch felt nice, and I wanted to keep going. Paul
was being so caring, but I didn’t feel what I thought I should. I wanted him to
know I was enjoying his attention. So, I pretended, screaming like girls did in the movies.
As I finished my writhing show, Paul rested on his elbow. “Caitlyn, you don’t have to fake it for me. Your body may not be ready for such a release. Just tell me when it feels good, and we’ll try to reach the mountain together.”
Embarrassed, I nodded. “I think it would be better for you to just…um…”
“Penetrate you?” he asked.
I nodded.
Watching him prepare himself was painful. He was methodical in applying the condom properly. I wanted to scream, ‘Just put it on!’. Instead, I slowly breathed, thinking about the positive side of his care. I would not get pregnant, and he wouldn’t have to worry that I gave him some disease.
Finally, he slipped on top of me. Paul was gentle when he entered me, watching my reaction. “Most women cannot orgasm with penetration alone. If you feel it is stimulating you enough, I will control my ejaculation. For now, I think it would be wise to complete the act. We’ll connect more and more each time.”
I could have died. I was in biology class, not making love. He was right that
I did not achieve any great pleasure, but it wasn’t unpleasant. He grunted and rolled off me, then immediately went into the bathroom and showered.
Tears fell from the corners of my eyes. I had disgusted him. I was too broken. When Paul returned, his clean soapy scent overpowered me.
“Caitlyn, I would like to try several pleasure techniques on you. Are you comfortable trying again?”
I smiled. “Yes, please.”
Yes, please, I mocked myself. Did you order dessert?
Honestly, I felt like a specimen being examined. Every new touch meant Paul would stop and confirm I was comfortable. After an hour, he determined
the exact amount of pressure and digital penetration needed for me to orgasm.
When the sensation left me, and my breathing returned to normal, Paul
leaned over me. “This is such a breakthrough. Many women never truly reach their sexual peak. We have something really special together.”
