‘We mustn’t.’ Closing her eyes, swallowing, shaking her head as if it was a battle to get the words out. ‘I want to, so much. But I can’t...’
He felt a protest rising, collapsing. Telling him what he already knew, what he’d told himself over and over again. They had a job to do, one that would go easier if they kept their relationship on the straight and narrow.
‘You’re right. I’m sorry.’ He inhaled to steady himself. ‘We’re working together. Mixing it up is probably a bad idea.’
‘Yes...’
He felt a spike of adrenaline. That ‘yes’ lacked conviction, as if it was only half an answer. And there was something flickering through her gaze that felt like a hammer blow coming. He could feel himself tensing, bracing in anticipation.
‘It isn’t only that, though...’ She pressed her lips together tightly. ‘It’s that I don’t want to lose you.’
He felt his heart pausing, the tightness inside relenting. ‘But you wouldn’t...’ Because wasn’t getting together the exact opposite of losing each other?
‘No, I would...’ And then her gaze was turning inwards, full of anguish and latent fury. ‘I’m single for a reason, Will! I’m no good at relationships. No one ever stays with me.’ Her hand caught his, squeezing hard. ‘And I couldn’t bear it if that happened with you.’ And then, maybe because the confusion he was feeling was showing on his face, her voice tipped over into impatience. ‘Don’t you see? I’ve got too much to lose... You’re the last and only link to a huge part of my life!’
The words seemed to hang in the air, echoing, reverberating inside his skull. So this was the punchline? The lethal blow. That he was nothing but a link to Dad?
He felt his blood draining, a hot swell rising behind his eyes. Falling for her, getting tangled up in the thought of her... All this time thinking about not crossing over work lines, but somehow stowing a secret hope in some secret recess of his heart that once the work was done...
Idiot, Will!
Hung up on ‘some day’ when what she was offering was never—because of Dad! Because of this precious link—to what, exactly? Because Dad was gone, and he was...
His stomach turned. What was he? Other than sick. Heart. Belly. Soul. He couldn’t think, speak, vent, couldn’t even let it show, because Quinn had a right to her feelings, same as he did, even if they were incomprehensible. And he couldn’t freeze on her because of the hotel. Nothing to do then but suck it up, stay behind the line she was drawing.
He swallowed hard. ‘Fair enough.’ He squeezed her hand gently to seem onside, then put it away from him, forcing out a smile. ‘No hard feelings, right?’
For a long second her eyes searched his, as if she wanted more, expected more, but what more could he say—give—when simply holding himself upright was taking every ounce of strength he had? And then, finally, she blinked.
‘Of course not.’ She smiled a smile that looked like his own felt, and then she turned back to the view. ‘Look, the sun’s gone down.’
His heart flinched.
And didn’t that just sum it up!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
SADIE INHALED AUDIBLY. ‘What happened after that?’
She felt her heart crimping. What had happened was trudging back to the tuk-tuk feeling depleted, faking jollity all the way back to the hotel for Miguel’s sake, then bursting into tears in her room because all she’d been trying to do was share a fragment of Anthony with Will, to make him happy. But it had backfired, made him hostile instead—which she totally got because Anthony should have told Will all that stuff himself. Then somehow her understanding had backfired as well, making Will’s gaze go all soft and intense...
And then the kiss had happened, and it had felt so right, like heaven, until confusion took hold, shook her up. And even though she was the one who’d pulled away, and even though Will had smiled and said ‘No hard feelings’, and even though he’d brought her all the way home from the airport, joking about being nice to the last because of their pact—which surely demonstrated that everything was all right between them—she wasn’t feeling all right at all, which was why she was on the phone to Sadie at midnight, keeping the older woman from her shelter duties.
She swallowed down a sip of tea. ‘We went back to the hotel, muddled through dinner. And this morning we had to be at the airport for ten so... Probably a good thing.’ Her heart pinched. ‘He insisted on bringing me home from the airport though, which was nice.’
‘Very, given that he lives on the opposite side of London.’ Little pause. ‘So, now you’re in turmoil...’
Her heart pinched again. ‘What do you think? I just don’t know if I did the right thing, putting the brakes on. My head says yes, but I don’t know...’ Because for a moment, after she’d explained herself to him, Will had looked broken, and it was messing her up, messing with her heart. Seven hours back—seven hours churning away over it, seven hours reliving that kiss: the tenderness of it, the warm, perfect fit of his mouth, the hot, dragging ache of desire that was still dragging. She swallowed hard. ‘I just can’t seem to think straight.’
‘Well, let’s start with those brakes.’ There was a small pause while Sadie sipped her own tea. ‘Why did you put them on?’
‘Because it would only end in disaster.’
‘Why?’
Her chest went tight. ‘You know why!’
Sadie sighed. ‘I’m taking you through a process, Quinn. Please answer...’
She closed her eyes. ‘It would end in disaster because all my relationships do.’ She felt a flick of weariness. ‘You know that, Sadie. I’m not a safe bet. And this is Will! I’m supposed to be helping him find himself. If things went bad between us then, for a start, that plan’s a bust. I’d be failing Anthony, denying him his dying wish. And I’d be losing everything that’s been dear to me for the past decade. I’d be emotionally homeless.’
‘So, the head has spoken. What’s the heart saying?’
‘I don’t know, hence the phone call.’
‘Okay, well, perhaps we need to slide some doors.’
She felt a smile coming. Sadie was invoking her favourite movie.
‘Door one: you keep the brakes locked on and you and Will stay friends. Maybe you become best friends! Hanging out. Brunch on Sundays! Sometimes you go double dating. The Thacker connection is strong with you...’
Invoking Yoda now!
‘But then the day comes, which it will, because I’ve seen his picture in Tatler and he’s gorgeous, not to mention seriously loaded, which shouldn’t factor but, you know...’ little breath ‘...the day comes when Will gets married. He asks you to be his best woman. Nine months later, he asks you to be godmother to his firstborn. Your Thacker connection is sealed, eternally assured.’ Sadie’s voice filled with a knowing twinkle. ‘How does that sound?’
‘Unappealing.’ She parked her mug on the bedside table. ‘Can we do the other door?’
‘We don’t have to. You’re already rattling the handle.’
