“Karma...,” Seth gently whispers, but Ruby tugs his hand, dragging him away from me and leaving me alone just like I need right now. The front door looks too daunting, because I know once I see Storm and Killian and my family, I will break down. The guilt is like a locked box in my head, and I’m scared the lid is going to pop open at any minute. I stumble back, tears stinging the corner of my eyes as I walk around the side of the house and through the garden gate.
“Karmmaaa.” Michael’s goat voice makes me jump out of my skin, green energy burning the grass under my feet.
“Michael,” I whisper, looking over at him as his head rests on the gate nearby me. Seeing Michael is a little easier than Storm and Killian and my family. I calm my beating heart down before stepping closer and rubbing the top of his head in the way he likes.
“Different,” he tells me. Fecking understatement. I softly smile at him before kissing the top of his head. He goes back to his food without a care in the world, and I make my way to the back door. My grasp freezes on the door handle, and I stare at my shaky hand for a long time. The vines curve around my palm, reminding me of the marks running up my arms and the power that goes with it. If I were a better, stronger person, I would walk away and hide from my family. I’m only putting them in danger by being here.
But I need them. I need to see Storm and Killian, even if our relationship is nothing but rocky. Turning the handle, I step into my home and shut it quietly behind me. I walk down the corridor, running my fingertips over the edges of the many photo frames on the wall before getting to the living room door, which is slightly ajar. I stare in to see all my family on the couches, Storm leaning against the back of the sofa facing the TV, and Killian is pacing behind him. Something on the TV is capturing all their attention, and it’s very clear...it’s me. Green magic surrounds my body in waves as I hover in the air, destroying the city. The green magic mixes with my dress, making it look on fire, and my red hair is brighter than ever.
I look like a goddess for the first time in my life, and I hate myself for that moment. For what I did.
“Karma,” Storm’s shocked voice drifts to me just before I’m in his arms, pressed against his chest. “Karma, fuck. I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Karma!” My family all exclaim my name and rush at me. My mum pulls me from Storm’s arms, and I’m passed around my family for hugs until I can’t think straight. Pey kisses the top of my head before resting his hands on my shoulders as he pulls back.
“Mads is here, locked up with magic cancelling handcuffs as she...,” he drifts off, and pain flashes in his eyes.
“I know,” I whisper, thankful that she is safe, hurt that she still doesn’t remember.
“Give her to me,” Killian demands, and Pey lets me go almost instantly. Killian offers me his hand, and I don’t think about it as I take it, letting him tug me to him. His lips descend on mine, passionately telling me everything on his mind without a word. I missed him too. I was worried too.
I’m fecking scared. He breaks the kiss, not letting me go but turning us to see my family. Storm rests by the door, his purple eyes watching us with relief, not jealousy like I expected.
“Did you see a boy named Dominic?” I ask him. “At the warehouse. Young kid with white hair.”
“Yes, he ran out the door the second it fell. Everyone else, except for Kit, is dead there,” he tells me. I should be sad that two of my half-brothers are dead and one is running away in a city somewhere, but I’m not. When this is over, and it’s safe, I will find Dominic and look after him myself. He shouldn’t be on his own.
Ruby runs into the room, a cake bar and banana in her hands, and comes to a halt in the middle of us, followed by Seth. Storm and Seth nod at each other before Seth sees the TV news, which is still playing but silent. Now he will know what I’ve done.
“They have a goat in the garden. Is it the talking one, Karma?” she asks me.
“Who is this?” mum asks, flicking her eyes between Ruby and me.
“My half-sister, Ruby. It’s not safe for her to go home, yet. Can she stay?” I ask.
“Family is always welcome. Why don’t we go and see Michael the goat? He always makes everyone laugh, and I can tell you some stories of how mischievous he can be,” mum asks, holding a hand out for Ruby. She looks to me, and I nod before she takes my mum’s hand. Once mum and Ruby leave, the room becomes thick with the unsaid words.
Dad’s the first one to speak, surprising me. “I might be the only human in this room, but I don’t need magic to know you need to explain what happened, Karma.”
“Karma, is that really you?” Hugo asks, pointing at the screen.
Damien can’t help but ask, “How did you get that powerful? Where did you find a new sister?”
“It’s good to be home, but I want to get some sleep, but know I’m so sorry for what I did. I was forced,” I finally say, not answering them exactly but giving enough to keep them appeased for a minute. I push away from Killian and run through the house, up the stairs and carefully past the haunted painting before getting to my room. The tears are already falling when I see my old room and walk in the dark to my bed. Clutching my bedsheets, I roll onto my side and let out all the emotions I’ve held back for as long as I could. I weep, crying my eyes out even as I hear the door creak open and three people enter the room. Seth lies next to me as Storm sits on the end of my bed. I glance over as Killian climbs onto the other side of the bed, and I snuggle into his chest as I can’t stop crying.
“You did not do this. Neritous made you. Cry with us tonight, and tomorrow you make him pay for burning the city and using you as his weapon.”
I can’t respond to Storm’s words, but I know he is right. But tonight...tonight I mourn the lives I took.
Tonight I beg for whatever magic there is in the world to forgive me.
Chapter 60
There’s nothing quite like the feeling of not being at home in your own skin. I’ve always considered myself pretty self-assured, at least when it comes to my place in the world. At the end of the day, my identity was chosen for me from square one: spend my life as a karma goddess, balancing the scales of justice, no matter how petty, and live a happy, uneventful life. It might not have been an adventure, but it was a known quantity. It’s only now, as I thrash around in bed, my sweat soaking the sheets and my breathing ragged and heavy, that I’m starting to appreciate that sense of hum drum normality.
I thought I knew who I was once. I was never a great karma goddess, but that was all I had to be; my responsibilities began and ended with a name on my hand and a chain full of charms around my neck, and that was fine by me. Now, though, as I stare up at the ceiling with eyes that are bloodshot from lack of sleep, I’ve never felt more alien. It’s not just a superficial thing, although the tattoos are going to take some getting used to—they’re a symptom, not the cause, another brutal reminder of the fact that I’ve been moulded into a tool by the man who was supposed to be my father.
No, the worst part is the foreignness of it all. It feels like there’s something alive inside me, a parasite that’s made a home from my skin all the way to my bones, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s like I can feel it slowly seeping through my being, like a tree spreading out roots, touching every cell in my body until no part of me is free from its horrible, beautiful power. My karma magic is like a second skin to me, and even my higher god powers, the ones I got from Neritous, were starting to feel more familiar, if still intimidating.
This, though… This is something else. It’s as insidious as it is alluring, as destructive as it is poignant, and it sickens me with its seductive allure. That’s the worst part, I think: in spite of everything that’s happened, in spite of the destruction I wrought on a human city yesterday, it’s still powerfully, hauntingly seductive. I can feel its beauty and potency every time I close my eyes, and it’s all I can do not to scream when I remember what it felt like to use it.
Is this what Mads is going through? I wonder, rolling onto my side and nestling in closer to Seth. Killian is on my other side, a muscular arm draped over his eyes as he snores softly, and the image almost makes me smile…almost. Storm is asleep at the foot of the bed, his broad chest rising and falling rhythmically with his breath, a reminder that I’m not alone, even if I have to face these demons on my own. Seth makes a soft noise in his sleep as I move closer to him, wrapping a protective arm around my body, and I lean into the comfort of his embrace, grateful for the warmth and security. Fresh tears spring up in my eyes at the thought of her imprisoned in her room down the hall, confused and amnesic, dealing with her transformation all by herself. I’m barely keeping it together, and I’m surrounded by people I know and love. She must be so confused… I squeeze my eyes closed, tears leaking out and creeping down my cheeks, and all I can do is bury my face in the crook between Seth’s arm and his chest, leaving a wet stain as I try to muffle my sobs. It’s all too much.
Seth shifts a little, opening a tired golden eye, which immediately goes wide with concern when he sees that I’m crying. “Hey,” he whispers, taking my chin in his fingers and peering into my face. “Karma…what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I reply. “Just…sorting through some stuff right now. Go back to sleep.”
“Karma…”
“Please,” I implore him, my voice a raspy whisper. “I don’t want to talk. I just need you to hold me.”
Seth watches me for a long, heavy moment, his face drawn with concern, and then he nods, wrapping his other arm around me and pulling me onto his chest. He doesn’t say anything, and for that, I’m grateful. I don’t think I have talking in me right now. Seth has lost enough in his own life to understand that sometimes the best thing you can do when you’re grieving is to share silence with someone. For all his stiffness, he knows what it’s like to lose someone you love—he lost his wife and child, for god’s sake.
But what about when the person you love, the person you’ve lost, is yourself?
Another ragged sob wracks my body, and I feel the justice god’s hand smooth over my back, rubbing gently back and forth in a soothing motion as I cry into his chest, finally able to let go of all the guilt, anger, and confusion. So much has changed, so much keeps changing…and if I’m not careful, I’m afraid that I’ll lose myself completely in the chaos.
