“Holy shit, y’all,” Janelle says. “That was electric. You two make great television. Give them a round of applause.” And then they actually do. I’ll be in ITMs all night explaining that show. My attempt at a getaway had backfired big time—Marcus had seen to that.
Great television. That’s all I existed for to them. I knew what creating a moment was; I knew before I got here. I wrote them all the time, and I’d never fully considered what it meant to live in one. (I considered it a lot over the next few months as I watched this play back. The pain of giving in to your worst impulses and seeing it replayed as good television. Seeing the way the world reacted to you, the way they hated you.)
“I need to talk to you,” I mutter to Henry as we walk back into the villa for filming. “Privately.”
“I’ll try,” he says. “This is going to take some cleaning up.”
“Marcus—” I start to say. Marcus knows.
“I know” is all Henry says, averting his gaze.
T132 Group Chat
Aaliyah: Jesus, that episode was brutal
Hannah: bitch jac strikes again
Rikki: Jac and I had a girl chat about our families for, like, 3 hours while we were filming that one and of course they didn’t include any of it
Eunice: What was THAT about, Rikki? Did she tell you she wanted to leave?
Rikki: honestly, I didn’t know that happened
Andi: w t f
Andi: so desperate for attention
Eunice: I know no one wants to say it but I’m starting to feel bad for her. It’s really nasty online.
Andi: she deserves it as far as I’m concerned
Aliana: Rikki, have you heard from her?
Rikki: I know she’s alive
Rikki: that’s about it
18
Hard Times
Jac, when is the last time you slept?” Kendall’s voice. Without asking, her cool fingertips are on my face as she tilts it from side to side to survey.
“Chicago,” I say, unsure whether or not that’s a lie.
“What’s up with you?” she asks me. I’m having a breakfast of a single boiled egg in the white marble counter–topped kitchen of our villa that morning. There aren’t even cameras in the immediate vicinity. She’s just asking.
“I’ve stopped sleeping,” I say, concentrating all my effort on peeling my egg instead of looking up at her. I keep replaying the date with Marcus. What I could’ve done differently to free myself.
“Haven’t we all?” she says tragically. “I feel like my essence has been drained.”
“Sounds dirty,” I respond, popping off the last piece of shell and biting off the top of my egg, finally looking up at her.
“I miss Charlotte,” Kendall says, in a way that makes me wonder if she’s prompting me. Maybe Henry put her up to it. “She always gave me a heads-up when we were going to get disgustingly early wake-up calls.”
“Yeah,” I agree. Kendall has her repeat one-on-one this week. It’s clear to everyone that both of us are going through to hometowns. “We signed our whole lives away and barely even thought about it.”
“We sold our lives away for the clout,” Kendall corrects me. “If you don’t know what you’re going to get in this day and age on this show, then you’re an idiot. And you, Jacqueline Matthis”—she points at me—“are no idiot.”
“Stop or I might think you like me,” I answer.
She shrugs.
“You think there’s a way to outsmart the producers?” I ask Kendall.
“You can try, but you’ll pay for it. Who was that girl a couple of years ago who met up with her winner off-camera? Tamara? They wouldn’t even let her do hometowns after that. You willing to suffer?”
I tap into some of my old animosity, smile. “When am I not?”
“Always go for the rookie then,” Kendall tells me. “That’s who’s going to fuck up.”
I don’t answer, just get up to throw my meager breakfast leftovers in the trash can.
THAT NIGHT, RIKKI, the absolute hero, talks Priya into ordering us pizza. Kendall is gone on her date, so it’s just four of us left, Rikki, Shae, Eunice, and me, sitting around in a circle with the producers going to town. I eat four pieces, greedily sucking down the grease.
“Where’s Henry?” Rikki asks. He’s been around conspicuously less the last few days, and I have done my best not to care.
“He’s trying to finalize things for hometowns,” Priya explains, sipping a Diet Coke.
