Dread coiled around my gut. It was my first day back on the training grounds since the crash. I’d spent the morning meeting with the team’s head of rehabilitation and physiotherapy, which meant this would also be my first time talking to Coach in person since I was discharged.
He’d visited me in the hospital, but our conversation had been limited to logistics and my physical well-being.
I had a feeling today’s meeting would be less genial.
“Got it. Thanks.” I stood, pulled my earphones out, and shoved them in my pocket. I took my sweet time placing the dumbbells back on the rack and wiping down the equipment I’d used, but I could only stall so long.
“Good luck.” Noah clapped a hand on my back as I passed him.
I nodded my thanks.
I headed toward Coach’s office, apprehension slowing me down as much as my ankle. It’d healed quite a bit over the past week, but it hadn’t returned to full fighting form yet.
I knocked on the door and entered at his brusque come in. I sank into my usual chair—pretty sad that I had a usual chair, now that I thought about it— and tried to read his expression as I did so.
I’d expected him to be red-faced and raging, but he was silent and impassive—which was almost worse. I’d rather know what he was feeling than have to guess.
“Do you know why I signed you?”
His question caught me so off guard it took several beats for me to answer. “Because you wanted to shore up your attacking frontline and bring home the club’s first Premier League title in a decade.”
Blackcastle hadn’t placed first in the Premier League since legendary forward Jamie Defoe retired ten years ago. It boasted an excellent defense, but historically, its attacks weren’t strong enough to beat the likes of Holchester.
Coach grunted at my response. “That’s part of it, but there are a number of great strikers in the league—and they’re a hell of lot less expensive than you are.”
I stayed quiet, unsure where he was going with this.
“I got a lot of pushback when I first brought your name up to the transfer committee,” he said. “You’re a once-in-a-lifetime player, there’s no doubt about that. In fact, you’re one of the most talented players I’ve coached since I became a club manager. But you’re also hot-headed, reckless, and have a tendency to prioritize your personal grievances over what’s good for the team.”
Heat seared my face. “Coach—”
“I’m not done.” His mouth pursed. “You think I didn’t know about your racing habit or your rivalry with DuBois before I paid two hundred fifty million bloody pounds to bring you to Markovic Stadium? Everyone knew, and that’s why the rest of the committee resisted so hard. They thought I was mad for even considering you.” He shook his head. “I had to fight for you, Donovan. It doesn’t matter how many hat tricks you’ve pulled off or how many Ballons d’Or you’ve won. A reckless player is a dangerous player, and the committee was adamant that we couldn’t afford to be distracted by your scandals when we’re trying to win the league.”
I swallowed. We’d never discussed the logistics behind my transfer. I had no idea he’d encountered so much resistance on my behalf. “But you didn’t agree with them, sir?”
“Not at the time. Do you want to know why?” Coach’s eyes drilled into me. “Because the fire that fuels your recklessness is the same fire that differentiates the greats from the legends. Like I said, there are a lot of great strikers. But they don’t have the same hunger you have. They want to win; you want to break records. They’re satisfied with maximizing their potential; you’re not because you don’t think there is a cap to your potential. If you could channel all that fire onto the pitch without letting your pride and petty squabbles get in the way, you’d be unstoppable. I convinced the committee that was possible. I told them that, with a little guidance, you’d understand what was at stake and pull it together.” True disappointment colored his words. “You’ve let me down.”
I strangled the edge of my seat with white knuckles. You’ve let me down. I’d heard that sentiment plenty of times in my life, including from my father, but the calm, matter-of-fact manner in which Coach delivered it stung harder than any heated words or shouts.
If my breakup with Scarlett was the worst conversation of my life, this was a strong contender for second place.
The growing weight of guilt pressed in from all sides, making me want to melt into the floor and disappear forever.
“I know you have a complicated relationship with your old team, and Bocci has a reputation for being an instigator,” Coach said. “However, I’d hoped that you would’ve learned to control your impulses better. The authorities don’t have the evidence they need to implicate anyone in a crime, but you and I both know what really happened the night of the crash.”
The specter of my mistake reared its ugly head again, like a beast who kept regenerating no matter how many times I tried to kill it.
“You got lucky, but everyone’s luck runs out some time. The question is, will you have pulled your head out of your ass before it does.” Coach didn’t sound upset, merely exhausted. “The committee said you’re too rash. That you take your youth and talent for granted and that you don’t respect the consequences of your actions as much as you should. So far, you’re proving them right. Being a great footballer is about more than skills and drive. It’s about focus. It’s about teamwork. It’s about the discipline and self-control to stop and think before you act. Emotion is a powerful motivator, but it can also be your greatest enemy.”
My next swallow felt like I was forcing nails down my throat. “I am disciplined. I will be disciplined. I’m done fighting with Holchester off the pitch, and you won’t see me behind the wheel of a car during a race ever again, sir.”
I’d promised Scarlett the same thing, but like Scarlett, Coach didn’t look convinced.
“Are you?” He regarded me with naked skepticism. “Discipline is a mental exercise, Donovan. Physically, you excel at the game, but mindset is as important as any of the conditioning drills that Greely is running out there. And right now, your mind is a mess. No, it’s true.” He cut me off when I opened my mouth in protest. “You may not see it, but I know my players, and I’ve watched you especially closely since you joined my club. Now, I’m no psychologist, but even I can see that something is driving those stupid, impulsive decisions of yours. It’s not Holchester and it’s not DuBois. Until you figure out what it is and deal with it, you’ll never find the discipline you need to achieve your goals—or to work with the team.”
Cold unease crawled under my skin. Coach’s words were both vague and ominous—the worst combination.
“The doctors and our rehab team say you’ll be fully healed and cleared to play in two weeks, but you’ll be off the pitch longer than that.” Coach sighed. “I’m benching you until further notice.”
“What?” I nearly shot out of my chair. “Coach, you can’t—” I stopped when I noticed his tired frown.
He didn’t want this any more than I did. Benching me indefinitely was a huge gamble. Between the price of my transfer and the fact that I was their lead attacker, my absence would cause chaos. Any time Blackcastle lost a match, they would blame him for not putting me in.
Coach was going to get shredded by the public and the club’s executive committee—they hadn’t paid millions of pounds for me to sit on the sidelines—but he felt strongly enough about the situation to risk that outcome.
I sank back into my chair and tamped down my knee-jerk indignation. He had every right to bench me. He’d given me plenty of warnings regarding my behavior, and I’d ignored him.
He would be a terrible coach if he didn’t discipline me.
“Prove to me you can think before acting first and that you have a handle on your impulsiveness. Once you do that, I’ll allow you back on the pitch.” He nodded at the door. “Now get back to training. Just because you’re benched doesn’t mean you can slack off.”
“Yes, sir,” I said quietly.
I walked out, my ears ringing with condemnation.
It’s about the pattern. It’s about compulsively choosing to do something that leads to self-harm.
Something is driving those stupid, impulsive decisions of yours.
