Gary was pretty worked up. I hadn’t seen him this angry since they cancelled Battle of the Network Stars sometime back in the late seventies. “Gary, I’m not doing this out of some ill-conceived way to commit suicide. My family, my friends are in trouble, I could never, I would never leave them, or their fates up to the whim of a crazy bitch vampire.”
“No swearing in my house,” Mary said loudly. Then she stopped to look at me when she processed the rest of the sentence. “Crazy bitch vampire?”
“Mom, no swearing,” Josh echoed his mother in a much-practiced routine.
“Like Dracula vampires?” Mary asked hesitantly.
“Worse,” Gary said, still with heat in his voice.
“What? He’s not joking?” Mary asked as she sat down heavily, nearly missing the edge of the couch. Gary caught her under her armpit to keep her from hitting the ground.
“Her name’s Eliza and she’s got this thing for Mike,” Gary said as Mary settled deeper into the couch, trying to hide herself from the advancing shadows in her mind.
“And you came into my house!” Mary shouted, rising quickly from her perch. “How dare you!” she said, shaking with rage.
“You opened the door to us,” I told her.
“I wouldn’t have; had I known!” she shouted.
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t have the time to give you our bio when we were trying to save our lives,” I told her.
“Cool, you know a vampire?” Josh asked, surprised.
“It’s not nearly as cool as you might think,” I told him.
“Does she sparkle?” he asked.
“Why would she sparkle?” I asked Josh. I was clearly confused.
“You wouldn’t understand the reference,” Gary interjected, with no further explanation.
“Can we forget about all this sparkly shit!” Mary shouted.
“Mom!” Josh yelled.
“Sorry, Josh. Mommy’s a little stressed-out right now. Where is this vampire now?” Mary asked, swinging back and forth between Gary and myself, searching for a truthful answer.
“Well, I mean she could be anywhere by now,” Gary said.
“Where was she the last time you saw her?” Mary asked, trying to extract the information like a stubborn, impacted tooth.
“Well, what’s your definition of ‘saw’?” I asked her, trying to get the heat off Gary.
“I swear, I’ll throw you both out right now if I don’t get a straight answer!”
“What about my head wound?” Gary asked with alarm.
“Oh for Christ’s sakes! I’ve cut myself worse shaving my legs!” Mary shouted.
“Eww gross, Mom! Why would you shave your legs?” Josh asked, clearly turning the shade of green I had when I saw him eating his sandwich earlier.
“I’ll bet your legs don’t bleed as much as my head,” Gary said as he absently touched his wound.
“I’ll ask you one more time, Mike, and then you and your brother will be hitting the streets,” Mary said seriously. “Whether or not you ‘saw’ (in finger quotes) this Eliza, where was her last known spot?”
“I-95,” I told her.
“I-95 goes up the entire eastern coast. Could you please be a little more specific?” Mary said, heading towards the front door.
“Well, if you were to open that door you’re heading for and look across the street, past the small copse of woods, you would basically run into her last known whereabouts,” I told her.
I could tell that opening the door had suddenly lost some of its luster. Zombies were a nightmare, which many people had not been able to wrap their minds around and had paid the ultimate price for that disconnect. Vampires, well basically the same path, but you had to go a lot deeper into the woods, so to speak.
“Did Mike tell you he was a half-vamp?” Gary said, still fingering the bandages.
“What?” Mary said, almost falling over herself to get away from me.
“You’re not helping, Gary. How hard did that bullet hit?”
“Way cool!” Josh said, coming to get a better look at the circus attraction.
“Stay away from him!” Mary shouted, but I didn’t know if she was talking to him or me.
“Do you drink blood?” Josh asked excitedly. He may have heeded his mother’s words and stopped his advance, but his curiosity was unbridled.
“No, but I’ve got this thing for Pop-Tarts now,” I told him honestly.
“He has a psychic link to Eliza,” Gary added absently.