I shrugged my shoulders.
We walked outside the short distance to my car. I turned to say goodbye and John was right behind me, close; his breath smelled like stale coffee, and I could see some brown stains on his teeth from this personal vantage point.
“I know you did it,” he hissed at me. “I know who you are.”
“Did what?” I tried to push him back, but he didn’t budge.
“Don’t, Grandma might be watching. I don’t want to upset her.” He leaned down and whispered in my ear, his stale breath hot against my skin. “I know you shot me.”
I glared at him. “You know nothing. It was an accidental shooting. Do you think I was out rabbit hunting?”
He stepped back. “I think you should be careful.” Then he turned and walked back to the house.
I looked out the front window. Wind swirled outside, whipping up the loose snow on the six inches or so of the white stuff left from the weekend snowstorm. It seemed to storm more here than in Philly, and it was less than a two-hour trip between them.
The fireplace warmed the living room. I lifted a few logs from the log holder sitting to the side and added them to the crackling fire. I stared as the flames danced and sizzled. Living here wasn’t exactly what I had envisioned. Archie had been acting more and more weird lately, and I understood his sentiment about maybe not wanting to live here anymore. Maybe country life wasn’t for us. Poplin wasn’t what we’d expected; parts were wonderful, but I didn’t know if this town was a good fit for us. Everything hit him hard and I’m not sure if this was my imagination or not, but he wasn’t as attentive or even interested in me, like he had been before the New Year. Maybe the shock of Robin’s death and John’s shooting so close together was the reason. Hopefully, we would work through it together. I would not allow him to close me out. Maybe we should plan a vacation, somewhere warmer, away from all this snow and cold. Somewhere by the ocean. Warm sand and cold drinks. Long, lazy mornings in bed. Yes, I liked that idea.
I sat on the plush patterned carpet in front of the fireplace and continued to stare at its energy. The movement of fire always put me into a trancelike state. The flicker, the sparks, the building heat. Funny, I never saw myself returning to Pennsylvania. I thought I’d stay a Cali girl, but life didn’t work out that way. What we plan isn’t always what we do. Or what we get.
What if things had gone differently? Would I still be living in California with Dream? Would we still be in Listening Lark? Would we still be in love with each other?
My teapot whistled in the kitchen. I stood and walked into the kitchen to take it off the stove. I poured the steaming water into my waiting mug, then returned the kettle to the stove. I continued to stand, staring at the kettle, but my mind had traveled elsewhere…
Warm sunshine, sparkling blue pool, the scent of sacred herb hanging heavy in the air, Dream’s arm around me, his lips kissing my own. I couldn’t imagine ever experiencing happiness like I did in that time of my life.
I had thought about Dream so much lately. I shouldn’t. I couldn’t. And I was with Archie now. I loved Archie. He was a good person and a good husband, but it was so different than the love I had experienced with Dream. I felt my love for Dream in every fiber of my body. I closed my eyes.
But look how it ended.
Tears sprang in my eyes.
FIFTY-TWO2017
The Commune
Dream
Sunny packed a bag and went to Raindrop’s guesthouse for a few days. She told Branch where she was going, not me. She didn’t say anything to me.
I felt bad for what I had done, and at the same time I didn’t. I had no desire to hurt Sunny, but she’d betrayed me, kept secrets from me. She did what she wanted to without talking to me about it, so I did the same. I loved Sunny, but I wanted to be with Venus too. The same electric attraction enveloped me with Venus as it did with Sunny. I might even say love blossomed inside me for Venus. Early love, not like I felt for Sunny, but love, nonetheless. Why should I deny myself? I hoped Sunny would realize this could be an exciting new phase of our relationship. Only the beginning, certainly not the end.
I couldn’t go over to Raindrop’s house. She had made it clear that the only member of Listening Lark welcome there was Sunny. I called and texted Sunny, but she didn’t respond. Maybe I should feel guilty, but I didn’t. I had decided to do something I felt deeply about, as she did. I don’t think being with Venus was a mistake. The universe brought her here for a reason. She was meant to be with me and Sunny. I only had to convince Sunny. She’d forgive me, I was sure.
Two days later I was sick with worry. My earlier bravado dissipated. What was I thinking? Sunny would never forgive me. The sunshine of my life now gone forever. The best thing in my life, ever. I loved her and I betrayed her. I was such a jerk. A stupid jerk. I wanted to go over to Raindrop’s house to see her so badly. I called River to see if he thought this was a good idea. He didn’t. He told me Sunny was very upset and it probably was a good idea to give her some time. I didn’t take his advice.
Last night I went over to Raindrop’s house. It was strange being back there even though not much time had passed since I moved out. Even stranger was the quietness. Nobody lounged by the pool; only a lone lime-green raft floated atop the crystal blue water. The kitchen light blazed inside the house when I walked past, but I was only interested in the dim lamp lit inside the pool house.
And the woman inside.
My woman.
I hesitated at the door, debating knocking or just walking inside. I chose to knock. Sunny opened the door. Her hair was in a high ponytail, and she wore a pink pajama set.
She looked gorgeous. How could I have fucked up so badly?
Her eyes narrowed. “I told you not to come here.”
She slammed the door shut. A key turned.
Locked out.
Locked out of her heart.
I took a deep breath. Calmness and balance. Calmness and balance. I repeated the words in my mind.
“Sunny, please open the door,” I called.
“Go away, Dream!” she yelled from inside. “I don’t want to talk to you!”
Anger flared inside of me. A brief flicker. “Let’s just talk. I was wrong,” I said; an edge had crept into my voice. “But you were too.”
“I didn’t cheat on you! And you hurt me! How could you?” Sunny screamed behind the door. “Get out of here. I don’t want to see you!”
My body tensed. The flickers of anger grew stronger inside me. So familiar. Like last time.
“Let me in!” I screamed, banging on the door. “Let me in the damn door!”
Silence from the other side. Nothing, which further infuriated me. Didn’t she care about us? About me? Why couldn’t she even talk to me?
