She waves a hand, seeming to make it all go away. “Please.”
“No, I mean it. I didn’t want any of it to come out that way, and I’m sorry you had to walk into that mess.”
“Don’t think twice about it.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“You know you can.”
“What did you think when you heard I was with Lulu?”
She smiles faintly. “I was shocked at first, but then I wasn’t. I always liked her. I always liked you. The two of you liked Tripp. You all had so much in common, and I suppose it’s not a surprise that you’d wind up together. Maybe it was inevitable. Some people are simply drawn to each other. They’re magnets, and they can’t stay away.” She takes a drink of her tea. “You and Lulu are magnets. How is it going?”
I wince. “That’s the thing. It’s not going right now. She told me to figure out my stuff.”
“Ouch.”
“I deserved it. I’ve been tangled up in guilt.”
“Oh, sweetheart. Do you really think Tripp wouldn’t want you to be happy?”
“I don’t know.”
She stares sharply at me, her ice-blue eyes challenging. “Think, Leo, think.”
“I’ve been thinking. It’s all I’ve been doing. And every time I think about it, I keep looking for permission.”
“How’s that working out for you?”
I laugh wryly. “Not so well.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“What do I do now? I’m waiting for Lulu to call me back, but I don’t even know what to say. What do I say to prove I’m not reluctant?”
“Do you want to be with her, no questions asked?”
“I love her so much it hurts. I love her so much it feels incredible. I love her so much, I don’t want to give her up. I love her so much, I would give her up if I had to. But I don’t want to. All I want is to move forward the way she wants. I want to be okay moving forward.”
Her brow furrows, as if she’s considering all I’ve said. “Did you come to me for permission? Like I’m a proxy for him?”
“No.” But maybe in some way I did. “Maybe?”
“Look at me.”
I meet her eyes.
“I’m not going to give it to you. Because you’re not going to find that, and somehow you’re going to have to be okay with it. Because you know what? I’m not the one to give you permission, and he’s not either.” She taps my heart. “This is where it comes from.”
The earth stops on its axis. The oceans cease churning. In that moment, I realize how completely wrong I’ve been. I’ve been looking for permission in the wrong place.
It exists in only one place, and that’s inside of me.
I have to give it to myself.
I say goodbye to Vivian, thanking her profusely. I walk across Central Park, remembering the laughter, the friendship, the needling, the teasing, the calls to go out and celebrate, the calls to go to sporting events, the calls to go help each other move a piece of furniture, test out a recipe, anything, everything.
And then the last call. The night we went to The Red Door, the hottest eatery in town.
He can’t call me anymore and tell me that everything is cool and to just go for it with the woman of my dreams.
And finally, I don’t want that anymore. I don’t need it any longer. Because I’m giving it to myself.
I’m the only one who can decide to love Lulu the way she deserves. With my whole heart. I’m the only one who can go forward gladly, exuberantly, without a shred of reluctance.
Life is full of choices, and I’m making this choice.
It’s exhilarating.
Tonight, I say goodbye to guilt.
I shout see you later to any last doubts.
I call out I’m done to the past.
The choice is now, and it’s high time to embrace the present and make room for the future—an absolutely fantastic future with the woman I adore.
