“And did you stop to think that if you fall and die, then I can die?” He leans in and my pulse jumps.
“Again,” I say softly, resting my hands on his firm chest, right above his heartbeat. “I could say the same thing.” Even if Xaden’s death wouldn’t kill Sgaeyl, I’m not sure I could survive it.
Shadows rise, darker than the night that surrounds us. “You’re forgetting that I wield shadows, Violence. I’m just as safe out here as I am in the courtyard. Are you going to wield lightning to break your fall?”
Fine. That’s a good point.
“I…perhaps did not think that part through as thoroughly as you,” I admit. I wanted to be close to him, so I got close, parapet be damned.
“You’re seriously going to be the death of me.” His fingers flex at my waist. “Go back.”
It’s not a rejection, not with the way he’s looking at me. We’ve been sparring emotionally for the past month, hell, even longer than that, and one of us has to expose our jugular. I finally trust him enough to know he won’t go for the kill.
“Only if you do. I want to be wherever you are.” And I mean it. Everyone else—everything else in the world can fall away and I won’t care as long as I’m with him.
“Violence…”
“I know why you said you don’t see a future for us.” My heart races like it’s trying to take flight as I blurt out the words.
“Do you?” Of course he isn’t going to make this easy. I’m not sure the man even knows what easy is.
“You want me,” I say, looking him in the eyes. “And no, I’m not just talking about in bed. You. Want. Me, Xaden Riorson. You might not say it, but you do one better and show it. You show it every time you choose to trust me, every time your eyes linger on mine. You show it with every sparring lesson you don’t have time for and every flight lesson that pulls you away from your own studies. You show it when you refuse to touch me because you’re worried I don’t really want you, then show it again when you take the time to hunt down violets before a leadership meeting so I don’t wake up feeling alone. You show it in a million different ways. Please don’t deny it.”
His jaw flexes, but he doesn’t deny it.
“You think we don’t have a future because you’re scared that I won’t like who you really are behind all those walls you keep. And I’m scared, too. I can admit it. You’re graduating. I’m not. You’ll be gone in a matter of weeks, and we’re probably setting ourselves up for heartbreak. But if we let fear kill whatever this is between us, then we don’t deserve it.” I lift one hand to the back of his neck. “I told you that I was the one who would decide when I’m ready to risk my heart, and I’m saying it.”
The way he looks at me, with the same mix of hope and apprehension currently flooding my system, gives me absolute life.
“You don’t mean that,” he says, shaking his head.
And there he goes, sucking the life right out again.
“I mean it.”
“If this is about the Imogen thing—”
“It’s not.” I shake my head, the wind catching the curls Quinn spent so much time on. “I know there’s no one else. I wouldn’t be walking the parapet in the middle of the night if I thought you were playing me.”
His brow furrows, and he pulls me in closer against the warmth of his body. “Then what made you even think that? Have to admit, it pissed me off. I’ve given you exactly zero reasons to think I’m in anyone else’s bed.”
Which means he’s only in mine.
“My own insecurities and the way she looked at you and Garrick sparring. You might not have a thing for her, but she definitely has one for you. I know that look. It’s the same look I have when I’m watching you.” Embarrassment heats my cheeks. I could change the subject or deflect, but it’s not going to do our relationship—if that’s even what this is—any favors if I hide my feelings, no matter how weak the irrational ones might make me seem.
“You’re jealous.” He bites back a smile.
“Maybe,” I admit, then decide that answer is half-assed. “Fine. Yes. She’s strong and fierce and has that same ruthless streak you do. I’ve always thought she was a better match for you.”
“I know the feeling well.” He shakes his head. “And you are strong and fierce and have a ruthless streak, too. Not to mention you’re the smartest person I’ve ever met. That mind of yours is sexy as hell. Imogen and I are just friends. Trust me, she wasn’t looking at me, and even if she were…” He pauses, his hand slipping to cradle the back of my head as he holds us steady despite the gusting wind. “Gods help me, I’m only looking at you.”
Hope is a stronger buzz than anything they were serving at the party.
“She wasn’t looking at you?”
“No. Rethink what you just said but take me out of the equation.” He lifts his brows, waiting for me to come to the right conclusion.
“But on the sparring mat…” My eyes widen. “She has a thing for Garrick.”
“Catching on fast, aren’t you?”
“I am. Are you done pushing me away?”
He draws back, searching my eyes in the moonlight before glancing over my shoulder. “You done putting yourself in harm’s way to get your point across?”
“Probably not.”
He sighs. “There’s only you, Violence. Is that what you needed to hear?”
I nod.
“Even when I’m not with you, there’s only you. Next time, just ask. You’ve never had a problem being bluntly honest with me.” Wind blows around us, but he’s as immovable as the parapet itself. “As I remember, you’ve even thrown daggers at my head, which I greatly prefer over watching you get tangled up in your thoughts. If we’re going to do this, then we have to trust each other.”
“And you want to do this?” I hold my breath.
He sighs, long and hard, then admits, “Yes.” His hand slides up, and he caresses my cheek with his thumb. “I can’t make you any promises, Violence. But I’m tired of fighting it.”
“Yes.” One word has never meant so much to me. Then I blink, remembering his previous comment about jealousy. “What do you mean you know the feeling of jealousy well?”
