I stopped and turned back to her, my face flat. “Why?”
Her eyes were tearing up. “Because they would have kept you,” she said. “They would have kept you like they kept Daniel. And I loved you too much to let you go.”
I stared at her dispassionately.
“If you really loved me, you would have let me go.”
Then I walked out the door and pushed her from my heart forever.
But I wasn’t done.
I felt myself get small. I got so small, I vanished. It was catastrophic. A total decimation. A detachment like I’d never experienced.
I folded into myself tighter and tinier than I ever had, and when I was done, I got smaller still. There was no room for anyone. Not Maddy, not Justin. No one.
I didn’t want anyone near me. I didn’t want anyone to know me.
I wanted to be the island. I wanted to be alone and untouchable. To never rely on anyone or love anyone or let anyone love me, because this is what love gets you.
My heart shut off.
I called an Uber.
I knew it would hurt them when I disappeared, but I also knew the hurt I’d spare them because leaving was always in me. I was going to do it one day, I think I always knew that. My luggage would always be under the bed, waiting. As soon as Maddy didn’t want to be on the road anymore, I would have continued on without her and left her behind. Or when times got hard with Justin, because life throws things at you and relationships aren’t easy, I wouldn’t stay and work on it. I’d withdraw. I’d sabotage us so I could have a reason to take off, the way Mom always did. I’d leave him before he rejected me or I’d leave him when I loved him and those kids so much it terrified me enough to flee to protect myself.
It already did.
This was always going to happen. I didn’t know how to love anyone or let myself be loved. I couldn’t even say the word.
I could admit to this flaw in me now.
I wasn’t fit to be in a relationship. I wasn’t fit to be a parent. I wasn’t even fit to be a friend. I was full of cracks. And I didn’t want Maddy and Justin to have to fix something they didn’t break. I didn’t want those kids to lose another person they cared about like I’d lost all the people I’d ever cared about. So I was going to be the island.
And this time nobody would be on it.
CHAPTER 42 JUSTIN
I looked at my watch. “Do you think we should go check on her? It’s been an hour.”
Maddy was bouncing her knee. “I don’t know. Maybe give it five more minutes? This isn’t good, Justin.”
I raked a hand through my hair. “Yeah, no kidding.”
“No, I don’t think you get it.” She looked at me. “This is going to bring up so much shit.”
“She’s strong,” I said. “She’ll get through it, she’s gotten through worse.”
“No.” She shook her head. “No, she’s strong but not with this. Amber does something to her. She always has, she’s like her kryptonite.” She chewed on her lip. “God, I fucking hate her so much.”
“I hate her too.”
“Good. Welcome to the club, we meet on Wednesdays and we bring pitchforks.”
I snorted, despite myself.
She got up and paced, glancing every few minutes at her phone.
“I can’t wait anymore,” she said. “I’m going in.” She started for the exit and I followed her. She stopped at the door and turned to me. “Justin, she’s gonna get small. I need you to be ready for that.”
I nodded. “Okay. I can handle it.”
“She won’t answer the phone, she won’t want to see anyone. She’s gonna get super withdrawn. It’s gonna be bad. It might be the worst it’s ever been. You just have to wait it out.”
“All right. I’m ready.”
She opened the door and immediately froze. “Do you smell smoke?”
I tilted my head and sniffed the air. “Yeah… What is that?”
She looked out into the yard and her eyes went wide. “There’s smoke coming out of the house!”
We both bolted, running across the lawn toward the mansion.
The house was on fire. Smoke was pouring out of the primary bedroom. Maria stood on the grass by the pool, cursing in Spanish.
“Call 911!” I shouted.
“I already called!” Maria said. “Pinche pendeja, she did this! ¡Está loca!”
