“Justin—”
“No. Whatever it is you’re going through right now, we go through it together. That’s what couples do.”
“I am not okay.” She came back to me and looked me in the eye. “I need you to hear me when I say this. I am not okay. I’m not someone who should be around the kids.”
“Let me decide that.”
“No.” Her chin quivered. “Justin, do you know what I would never wish on anyone? The instability that I grew up with. That’s what I am. I don’t know how to be a normal human being. I don’t know how to love without being terrified. I don’t know how to fight with you without my first impulse to be to pack up and leave and never see you again. I don’t know how to belong to a family who only belongs to me because I belong to you. I am not strong enough for it. And I am giving you the one thing Amber could never give to me and that’s to be honest about it and let you go.”
I felt the panic in my chest.
“Look at me, Emma. Look.” I took her hands. “We can do this. I can help you.”
“You can’t. I promise you, you cannot undo twenty-nine years of conditioning. I don’t even know if I can do it. I have cracks that I need to fill and I can’t do that here. I can’t do that with you, or them.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“Because the more I care about all of you, the more I want to run.”
She held my gaze. “I almost left you last night without saying goodbye. Do you even know that? I would have disappeared on those kids just like Amber did to me. I almost left Maddy.” She cracked on the last word.
The words lingered in the space between us.
“I have too much to unpack,” she said. “I have triggers that I can’t control.”
I could see the pain on her face. I felt like I was looking in a mirror.
“Emma, I’m going to tell you something. And I don’t need you to say anything, I just need you to hear it.” I paused. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since the moment I laid my eyes on you. And I know we haven’t known each other long, but I don’t care, because it’s true and it’s there, and it doesn’t matter to me if it makes sense or not. I’ve been waiting my whole life to feel like this and I thought it was a curse that nobody else ever worked out. But it wasn’t. It’s just that they weren’t you.” I had to give myself a moment. “Please. Don’t end this. I’m begging you.”
She pressed her lips together, trying not to cry. “I have to deal with my issues before I can be a partner or a parent to anyone.”
“And are you? Going to deal with your issues? Because I’ll wait.”
She shook her head. “No you won’t. You are going to take care of those kids, and you’re going to live your life and you’re going to meet someone else. You are not going to sit around hoping that one day I’m whole enough to love you and them the way they deserve.” The tears spilled down her cheeks. “I did that. I waited. I waited my entire life for her to be whole and she never was. I don’t want that for you. Or them. I don’t want to be their Amber.”
This is what finally broke her. And then it broke me. Because I knew there was nothing I could do to change it and I also knew she was right.
The kids did need stability. And she wasn’t it. I knew in my heart she was making the right choice not only for herself but also for them. Maybe even for me too. Maybe she was doing now what she would have done anyway in a month, or two, or three and she was sparing all of us the pain of being that much more attached to someone and something we could never have.
But it didn’t make it any less devastating.
I felt like my soul was being split down the middle and someone was about to leave with one half of it forever. And they were.
She would never come back. I think I was lucky she was even here now.
I thought about the rom-coms Mom used to watch when I was growing up. The dramatic grand gestures that keep them together at the end.
But that’s not what real grown-up relationships are like. They’re like this. Being mature enough to know your limits, and adult enough to accept when someone tells you what they are.
Even if it breaks your heart.
I hugged her like this was going to be the last time I ever saw her.
“What do you think she’ll be like?” she whispered, after a moment.
“Who?” I said gently, holding her to my chest.
“The girl you’ll meet after me. Your soulmate.”
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said it was her. Instead she’d end up being the one who got away. Not a soulmate, just the love of my life.
And unfortunately they’re not the same thing.
CHAPTER 45 EMMA
SIX MONTHS LATER
Your blood pressure looks great,” Maddy said to Pops, taking the cuff off his arm. “I think you’re gonna outlive all of us.”
The old man harrumphed and I smiled, helping him off the table. He was ninety-eight and sharp as a tack and one of our favorite townies.
I was living at the Grant House. I’d been here since the day I left Justin.
When Maddy called Daniel and Alexis, they said yes immediately. We got out of our contract at Royaume, citing an emergency situation, and we left for Wakan.
Alexis had hired us to work at Royaume’s satellite clinic here. She was a general practitioner and the town doctor—and, as we came to discover, Briana’s best friend and Neil’s ex-girlfriend. That was an interesting revelation. And so was the update we got via Briana a couple of days after we arrived. Apparently the last thing Mom did before disappearing was to burn Neil’s house down.
