“I mean it. Stop apologizing for shit other people did. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
I look at him. “I cheated on him. That’s what I did wrong.”
“And so, what—if he killed Fiona and Thatcher, that makes it your fault, too?”
“He didn’t kill them.”
“You still in love with the kid or something?”
I stare at him, outrage burning through me. “No. That’s not what it is.”
“Then why do you keep defending him?”
“Because, Seth.” How does he not get this? “Haven’t you ever been in love with anyone?”
I realize, as I say it, that I already know the answer.
Seth’s eyes slide away from mine. “No,” he says shortly.
“Well, it’s—”
“I don’t need a lecture on the greatness that was your love with Captain America, thanks.” He looks even more pissed now.
I take a deep breath. “I’m just saying. You don’t know what it’s like to hurt someone the way I hurt Jeremy. He’s been there for me my whole life, since we were little kids, whenever I needed it. And I took that and I—I smashed it. I hurt him in the worst way you can hurt a person. In a way that only I could.” When he doesn’t say anything, I go on. “Seth, can you just tell me—how much of you wants to find out who’s behind this, and how much of you just wants to get revenge on Jeremy?”
His frown deepens. “I don’t need revenge, like that jacked-up small-town fuck—”
“And stop with the asshole big-city-boy act,” I interrupt. “It was never your best look.”
Seth folds his arms. “Did you ever consider it’s not an act? That I am just an asshole big-city boy?”
“I know you’re not.”
We’re sitting facing each other on the rock, the first place we ever kissed, the twilight insects chirping around us. The sunset light washes Seth in gold, glinting in his hair, his eyes, his drawn brows.
“So what am I to you?” he asks.
And here we are again. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you spend our entire lives telling me how much you hate me, then you give me my first kiss. Last summer you sleep with me—lose your virginity to me—then don’t talk to me for a year. You argue with me for weeks, then cuddle up next to me. You tell me you ‘can’t,’ then you kiss me. And now you’re acting like it never happened.”
I close my eyes. “Seth, I’m telling you what I know is true. Jeremy didn’t kill anybody. And I’m not still in love with him, but I do still care about him; I can’t just switch that off after all this time. And you—” I look into his eyes, glinting gold. “I’m not acting like it never happened. I mean, in front of Kendall I was, because I don’t need her opinions on this, but—what do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what that was the other day,” he says quietly.
I hold out my hands, palms up. “It was a kiss.”
“Why did it happen?”
“Because I wanted it to.”
He shifts closer to me. “And now? Do you regret it?”
I force myself to maintain eye contact. “No.”
I know I should regret it. I know the last thing I need is to get involved with Seth again. I can’t see how this will possibly turn out well, for either of us.
“Do you?” I ask him.
“No.” He leans in, grabs me by the arm, and kisses me.
I fall into it like I’m drowning—his lips on mine, his hand hot on my skin. The world is red behind my eyelids.
“Sorry, kids.”
At the sound of Kendall’s voice, we jump apart, my face burning. But when I turn to look, she hasn’t even emerged from behind the trees yet. I let out a breath.
A moment later, there she is, tucking her phone back into her pocket. She looks at us expectantly. “Any progress?”
“We were talking about checking it out.” Seth’s voice is gruff as he jumps down from the rock. “The ravine. See if there’s anything there.”
Kendall’s eyes widen. “Right now?”
“You got anything better to do?”
For a moment, I hope she’ll say she does. I want to be alone with Seth again. Finish that kiss. But then, I’m not sure it would end there.
“No,” Kendall says after a moment. “Let’s go.”