Nothing was all right.
At the same time, we released our hands again, and the bond between us disappeared as if it had never been there.
“Enjoy your meal, sisters,” Amara said, putting some of the baked potatoes on her plate. Ivy grabbed the bowl of fried onions with bright eyes, and I had to stifle a slight smile.
Blub.
My body tensed.
I hadn’t expected that.
I pulled the cell phone out of my back pants pocket and clutched it with both hands.
Blub.
“Could you please turn the sound off while we eat, Julie?” Amara asked, and I flinched, perhaps a little too startled.
No one seemed to notice except Ivy, who raised an eyebrow. I glanced at my phone.
Blub.
I felt Grace’s questioning gaze on my phone.
I felt my cheeks flush red...and my hands shaking.
I wanted to look at my display, but the fear of Amara’s punishing gaze was bigger than my curiosity.
Erik must have been waiting forever for my answer, and I sat here, putting it off until I had my peace from the others.
“Margot, I want you to set up a meeting for tomorrow, 11 pm. The moon will be at its fullest, excellent for the rite of passage.”
Margot nodded.
I felt my energy rising within me, and an overwhelming feeling spread through my chest.
I bit my tongue.
Where was this coming from all of a sudden?
Somehow, all the chaos from this morning seemed to be settling on my body. Or maybe it had been the afternoon class at Gloria’s in the Councils District...
I shouldn’t have thought about it, because my hands started to shake, and I let them disappear under the table, trying to pinch them between my legs to make it stop. But it didn’t stop. It only got worse.
Suddenly my hands got cold, literally pricking.
This feeling was completely foreign to me, but reminded me strongly of my panic attacks, which I hadn’t had in a few weeks.
There was something new. It felt like it was about to rip through my chest and erupt out of me.
I was breathing in hard, barely getting any air.
Focus on eating, Julie. Come on.
“Julie?” Grace touched my arm but immediately let go.
“You’re cold as ice...” she blurted out in shock.
My shivering intensified, and the stinging in my chest threatened to overwhelm me. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I jumped up.
“Julie...” Amara wanted to say something, but I couldn’t stay here a second longer. I rushed out of the dining room, up the grand staircase to the last floor, where I entered my room just in time, slamming the door behind me so hard that I’m sure it was heard throughout the entire house.
But none of that mattered anymore as I looked in horror at my arms, which had turned blue.
The cool sensation came impulsively, and when I realized it was the rhythm of my heart, my breathing quickened.
What was happening to me?
A soft crack sounded, and my pendant fell to the ground.
And then it happened. The moment when everything inside me seemed to come loose. It was as if I was finally letting go of all the pent-up frustration inside me, a painful but also incredibly liberating process.
My eyes widened as the water from my aquarium instantly shot up into the air and solidified into ice. The shimmering golden fish now looked like a shimmering work of art, victims of a brutal artist. Victims of a violence that had to come from me.
Panicked, I looked at my blue hands, then back at the aquarium.
The trembling had stopped. For a moment, everything seemed to stand still.
And then memories flashed through my mind, pulling me back in time to the trigger of the countless panic attacks that had accompanied me ever since.
