“I don’t want to lose you, either. But I don’t think we have a choice. Unless…”
“Unless what?” He bent closer to hear, their lips only inches apart.
“Unless you love me.”
Her gaze locked with his, the hope in her eyes tugging at his soul. But his heart was doing battle with his ribcage. If she’d asked for a forever friendship, he could’ve given it to her. But instead, she’d asked for the one thing he couldn’t give… love.
“I care about you, Brooke. A lot. But love is bigger than four letters. It’s—”
“Don’t say any more.” Her face turned away from him. “I understand. I get that you don’t love me.”
He couldn’t let himself become dependent on her. What if she didn’t really love him? Or what if she changed her mind? He refused to care so deeply that he’d be destroyed if he lost her.
“What’s wrong with the way it is now? I’ll admit I’m the one who keeps breaking the rules, but we could set some new boundaries. What if we don’t touch each other at all? Keep a minimum distance between us. Say, three feet.”
She shook her head. “I can’t be with you, Cole. It hurts too much.”
“Maybe you could keep your own place, and we could get together once a week. Gus needs you. He’s been miserable since you left. Look how happy he is now.”
On cue, Gus stuck his head between them, pushing his wet nose against her face. Brooke lifted her hand to caress his head. “I’ll only be here three more weeks. Then I’m going back to stay with my parents.”
She’s leaving me!
He wanted to yell at her, “You can’t go!” But instead, he asked, in as calm of a voice as he could muster, “Who’s going to deliver the baby?”
“I’ll have to find someone in Bellaire, or Nowhere, as my sister calls it.”
How could she sound so calm?
He couldn’t find a drop of saliva in his mouth. He’d come dangerously close to caring too much. When did I lose control?
Taking slow breaths and ignoring the blood pulsing in his ears, he tried to persuade her to at least stay close by.
“I’ll make sure you have a safe place to live here in Houston. There’s no need to move away and change doctors before you have the baby.”
“I think I should go home. We need space, Cole.”
How could she sound so calm?
“But, Harper calls your hometown Nowhere. That doesn’t sound like a great alternative to me.”
“Well, she calls you Soul Killer, so that’s not any better.”
His throat constricted. “Is that what I’ve done to you? Have I killed your soul?”
Her thick lashes blinked over glistening eyes, and she lifted her hand to his cheek.
“You didn’t kill it, Cole. You brought it back to life. You were sweet and kind and caring. Yes, you made me want things I couldn’t have, but at least now I know it’s possible. You set the bar high for me. When I’m ready to date again, I’ll hold out for someone who treats me like this.”
Why did her words, so positive and affirming, tear through him like a jagged knife? He didn’t want her to be with someone else.
She wiped her face with her hands and pushed herself to a sitting position, swinging her legs to the floor. She was going to walk out the door if he didn’t act fast.
“If you stay here with me, you’ll never have to worry about anything,” he said. “You can count on me. I won’t let you down.”
“Cole, you’re treating your soul like it’s Shrek.” Her chin trembled. “You’re going through the motions and doing everything perfectly, but you’re not feeling anything. I want more. It has to be real. Your foot rubs are amazing. But the fact that I can feel something so good means I can also feel pain. You can’t have one without the other.”
Her assessment was right on target. Over the years, he’d built and reinforced the protective barrier around his heart. It was safe. It was comfortable. Perhaps he hadn’t experienced the emotional highs Bran and Finn had described, but he also hadn’t suffered as they had.
“I’m sorry, Brooke. I wish I could give you what you want, but I can’t.” His eyes were as dry as his mouth. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
He perched beside her on the couch, dying to reach out and touch her. The inches between them stretched like miles.
“This isn’t your fault. You’ve been honest from the start.”
Had he? At the moment, his entire life felt like a lie.
She took a deep, shuddery breath. “I want you to know I’ve been allowed access to the archived records at Hayward Home. I don’t know if I’ll find your file or what will be in there if I get to read it. But if there’s anything I can do to help you get answers without violating my ethics, I’ll do it.”
Why was she still trying to help him? He didn’t deserve it.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know,” she said. “You never asked me to, and I respect you for that. But you’ve done so much for me. I’m hoping I can find a way to pay you back.”
His whole life, he’d blamed his lack of knowledge about the circumstances of his adoption for his inability to love. Yet Brooke had offered him a possible lead, and he wasn’t even excited about it.
She stood up and smoothed her shirt. “I’m a little afraid, no matter what you learn, you’ll find a way to twist it around and make it a judgment on who you are. I’m going to tell you something I say in counseling all the time… You are amazing and special. You matter. Other people’s opinions don’t. If anyone doesn’t recognize how valuable you are, the problem is with that person, not with you.”
