you and say we’ll date, and in five months, I’ll get down on my knees and beg
you to marry me. I don’t know what will happen in the future. I don’t know if
you’re ready to be loved like I want to love you. For this moment, right now, I
want you to take a chance and open your heart to me.”
Jack caught my hand and held it gently. “Can you trust me? I need you to know my intentions are genuine…that I just really need to get to know the woman you are. Not the one you think you have become.”
“You…don’t…know…me. I’m used. Damaged. I’m no good for you…for
anyone. Go find a nice woman, who isn’t broken,” I ripped my hand out of his
and yelled. I ran from him, not knowing where I was going.
Blinded by the tears and the snow, I heard him call after me. “Caitlyn, don’t
run that way. It’s cold out here.”
The snow became so thick I couldn’t see more than a foot ahead of me. My
chest burned from the run…from the frigid air. Falling to the ground, I began to
cry. Soon, my soft cries turned into deep sobs. Wails of pain.
It’s time to give up. Stop fighting to hang on. You are not fixable, the small voice in my mind taunted.
“You’re right,” I whispered and collapsed.
Thirty
The sound of soft snoring woke me. I found Jack sitting in a chair next
to the bed. Confused, I didn’t know where I was. Glancing around at
the rich blue hues—from the comforter to the curtains and the walls
covered with pictures of Jack and Vivian—I guessed I was in his room.
“You’re finally awake,” Jack said in a sleepy voice. Sitting down on the edge
of the bed, he cupped my face. “You gave me such a scare, Caitlyn.”
“I don’t know why I keep doing things to hurt everyone, myself included,” I
said, tears falling from my eyes.
“Don’t cry, love,” Jack urged, hugging me. “We’re going to take this slow, Caitlyn. Every day, I’m going to show a little more of what it means to be loved.”
He kissed me softly, and a need to be closer to him rose inside me. I crushed
my lips to his, running my fingers through his hair. Sliding under the blankets with me, Jack embraced me and continued to kiss me… so tenderly.
My hand under his shirt, the hardness of his abdominal muscles and tight chest left me aching with need. I pulled at the button to his jeans, and he took my hands in his.
He pressed his mouth to my ear. “Just kiss me. Connect with me. What you’re reaching for isn’t what you want. Let me love you, Caitlyn. I want to show you what it’s like to be loved and respected.”
“I don’t understand you, Jack. You obviously changed me out of my wet clothes,” I said defensively. The situation angered me. Once again, I felt rejected.
Once again, unconscious, I had been manhandled.
“Thomas and Jacob changed you,” he said. “I meant it when I said I want to
take this slow, showing you what it means to be loved. When it’s the right time,
we’ll know it. Until then, can’t you just trust me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with two consenting adults enjoying each other. I don’t understand why you keep rejecting me.”
“Really search inside yourself. Is that what you want? You’re right. There’s
nothing wrong with us making love, but I feel you’re doing it out of fear. Let me hold you. Let go of your fears.” He pulled me back into his arms and held me tighter.
“I was hurt before by Christopher Ross,” I murmured.
He didn’t ask me questions. He just held me tighter, “I won’t let him hurt you
