But… she said, what if I don’t want to eat shit?
And then I felt a pain – sharp – at my thigh,
looked down –
his hand with the cigarette was resting on my leg,
under it a hole was newly melted in my tights, a circle of
hot pink skin.
Hey! I said angrily.
They all looked at me blankly, he didn’t move his hand
away, continued talking,
It’s not up to you, he said to the girl,
it’s just the way things are – eat up.
I felt the pain again – another hole.
Watch where you ash! I said.
He looked down confused, then laughed.
I felt angry in a foggy way. I marched inside but
like a toddler – slightly wobbly on the steps.
Watch out, Paddy Ashdown! He called after me.
Inside I found the curly-headed guy.
Shall we go back to mine? I said.
Definitely, he said, just let me say goodbye to Matt.
The name hit distantly –
a lone firework in someone else’s garden
thump.
My brain began to ache,
everyone looked unfriendly in the room,
each person seemed to stare into my face as they
walked past – questioningly. Threateningly.
The curly-headed guy came back with Matthew –
yes, that Matthew –
whose face I found I couldn’t
see as if it had been censored – blurred-out.
Can Matt come for a nightcap too? It could be fun.
The eat-shit man pushed past me roughly,
stumbling for the bathroom.
Instinctively, I stuck my leg out and he
tripped, fell into the carpet face first, hard.
What the fuck? He said his voice all woolly.
It felt good.
I laughed.
The curly-headed guy laughed too, confused.
