ceiling, far too low, too ugly, don’t you think, and I read
recently it could contain asbestos, should we test it?
Poison porridge – DON’T be lazy, you, come over, no!
This minute – I will hold you by the hair, face up, and file
and sand and let the dust fall down and seep into your
pores, into your lungs, your eyeballs too, I’ll breathe in
with you, Ava, seal our fates together – might just be
benign, who knows! A risk I’d take, I’d taste the brackish
water dripping from the waste pipe if you did it too, oh
Ava, I want to wrestle you beneath the gunnera, and
paint your face magnolia, and lie down on a beach and
tie your wrists with strawberry laces, oh, last night I had
this dream I walked in on the chairman of The Trust, he
had my double on all fours, he called her Talbot, I felt
bad, but then I noticed she was loving it, and with my
face, and when I woke up I was shuddering exactly like
the fridge, Goodlord Goodlord Goodlord fuckheads!
What were they thinking pressing send on such a name,
it doesn’t matter, unimportant, NOW, we’re getting deep,
spit that gum out, it’s no time for foreplay, Ava,
honestly what were you thinking too, with your delight,
your partnering, please find attached a drawing of what I
think you’d look like fast asleep and buried like a digger,
Ava, there’s a clock – it’s at the corner of my vision,
speeding, lagging, you won’t see it, but it’s there – still
time, still time, it says, my captain’s hat fits snug, so chic,
there’s just no need for any other clothing, so
unseasonably warm these days – still time, still time, your
fucking fault – it is – it all is, Ava, dopey bitch, if I’d had
water for my mill, if I had grabbed that bird and killed
that bird and eaten it for breakfast – where would I be?
Too late for thoughts like that, Ava, Goodlord, no use, no,
shhh, Ava, no need to press reply, I’m here – you see,
you see now don’t you, yes, I’m here, we have to board
this train together Ava,
darling… darling…
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This book began life as a short performance piece written for the Chisenhale Gallery as part of their programme for Nikita Gale’s show, In a Dream You Climb the Stairs (2022). My thanks to Amina Jama and Amy Jones who commissioned that original text – without you this might not exist.
I’m grateful to have radical press Rough Trade Books behind this – I drunkenly told Nina Hervé and Will Burns that I was writing ‘a very long email’ quite early on and they were immediately on board. Thank you both for your support, patience, careful editing, and for applying pressure when I needed it. Thanks also to Kate McQuaid, my agent Claudia Young, and to designers Craig Oldham and Eliza Hart for making this a real and beautiful object.
Thank you always to my friends, my parents, and to John – who knows not to enter a room if I’m inside muttering to myself, and who I love.
