Shit.
This show is really fucking with my head. I keep questioning everything I say and think and do, and it’s not that I didn’t do that before, but it’s that at least I’d been confident there was a version of myself I could like. I keep questioning what’s real and what’s not and who I even am or thought I was.
“Darling,” she says, “he’s doing well because you’re his girl and you’re going to get engaged at the end of this season.”
His girl. Like she knows something. His girl.
Right on cue, Marcus and his film crew make their way to our table. We all sit around stupidly and stare at him with the required awe; noticeably, in addition to the crew and producers, a few similarly tall, square-jawed men of multi-ethnic backgrounds to assure us Marcus is totally cool, converge behind him.
“Who is that?” Rikki whispers in my ear, eyeing one of the men.
“Down, girl,” I mutter back.
Production gives us the whole song and dance: Marcus has brought some of his closest friends to meet the group of us, to give their approval. “Can’t wait for you to meet the girls,” Marcus says to his friend Grant.
It’s all a show, but it makes me want to talk to my own friends. As fast as Rikki and I have trauma-bonded, she doesn’t know me like Sarah does, can’t give me that knowing look that Sarah would every time Henry walks into the room.
And at that thought, I already want Sarah to shut up in my head again.
Priya sets me up on the balcony overlooking the city and Lake Michigan beyond, to pretend to casually talk to Rikki and Shae when Marcus and Grant approach us.
“Jac,” Marcus says on cue, “I’ve been so excited for you to meet Grant. Grant, Jac is my Southern firecracker.”
“Oh, am I?” I answer gamely. I don’t really like it, though; sounds like something Janelle has said.
“Marcus has told me so much about you,” Grant says, extending a hand, which I take. “You’re an author.”
“Guilty.”
“Oh, and this is Shae.” Marcus points to her. Rikki has disappeared into the background.
“I think we’ve met?” Grant says, extending his hand. Shae is blushing deeply.
“Oh, my,” she says. “Yeah, how are you?”
“Good,” Grant says, but I notice Shae’s hand shaking as she takes his proffered handshake.
“Well, if you two have met before, no introduction needed. Grant, you must already know what a wonderful person Shae is.”
“I do,” Grant says, though his eyes dart away as he says it.
“Great to see you,” she says through gritted teeth. “If you’ll just excuse me.”
Marcus and I watch her almost sprint back inside the bar to where the crew is, confused. Priya grabs Grant and pulls him away with her, talking quickly. I look back at Marcus, just slightly behind my right shoulder. “What was that about?” I ask.
“Producer hijinks, no doubt,” Marcus says with confidence. It surprises me, how quickly he’s cottoned on. “You think she’s okay?”
I turn fully to face him, taking a drink of my beer. “Shae seems like pretty much anything would roll off her shoulders.”
“True,” Marcus says easily. “Can I try that?” He points at my beer and I hand it to him. He takes a sip and smiles. “You have good taste,” he tells me as he hands it back to me. There’s a certain intimacy to the moment, doing something a couple might.
“I agree.”
“I found one of your books,” Marcus tells me. “At a bookstore near here. Janelle wouldn’t let me buy it. Said it might taint things or some shit.”
“That’s really thoughtful,” I say, almost surprised.
His eyebrows go up. “I just want to get an inside look into the way your mind works,” he says, like that’s nothing. “There are so many cogs I can tell are always turning in there. I’m desperate to see it.”
I laugh, flattered. “Nothing good happening, I promise.”
“Don’t I know it. Obviously, I don’t read romance books or anything. Mostly nonfiction.”
“Yeah,” I answer, slightly deflated. “Like what? I try to read a little bit of everything. I’ve found ideas from everywhere.”
“Well,” he stalls. “You know . . . it’s always hard when someone asks, isn’t it?” He scratches his neck and laughs, so I attempt to give him a halfhearted one in reply. I know it’s what he wants, my reassurance. “Oh, here we go,” Marcus continues, reaching out for a lifeline as Grant comes back over to the two of us. “Marcus, can I talk to you for a second? Jac, lovely to meet you.”
“Jac, I want you to meet Grant’s wife,” Marcus says quickly.
“Yeah. In a minute, if you don’t mind,” says Grant, and then I’m ushered off by Priya so they can have a talk.
(It turns out, when the episode plays, Shae dated Grant briefly in college. He and Marcus were friends but certainly not to the extent the show had made it seem—Grant worked in the Dallas office of Marcus’s company, and the show seemed dead-set on breaking through Shae’s unshakable exterior. She cried quite a bit; she was embarrassed. It was all sort of morbidly fascinating and sick. I can’t believe they didn’t try to pull that trick on me.)
Finally, after a couple hours of filming, Marcus asks Kendall if she’ll go on a date with him. Of course she will. Oh, my God, she can barely believe it.
I barely suppress an eye roll (or don’t, if the footage that later airs is to be believed). We are forced into filming a couple of ITMs, and then, gloriously, we are finally allowed to go to sleep.
Charlotte walks Rikki and me down to our shared room, but just before she lets us in, she calls, “Jac, can I talk to you for a minute?”
