“Oh.” His expression was teasing. Gentle. “I didn’t know that was possible.”
“Me neither.” She chuckled weakly, and then forced herself to continue.
“Today is September twenty-ninth.”
A beat. Adam studied her, patient and curious. “It is.”
She bit into her lower lip. “Do you know what the chair has decided about your funds?”
“Oh, right. The funds will be unfrozen.” He seemed happy, his eyes brilliant in an almost boyish way. It broke her heart a little. “I meant to tell you tonight at dinner.”
“That’s great.” She managed a smile, small and pitiful in her mounting anxiety. “That’s really great, Adam. I’m happy for you.”
“Must have been your sunscreen skills.”
“Yeah.” Her laugh sounded fake. “I’ll have to put them on my CV. Fake girlfriend with extensive experience. Microsoft Office and excellent sunscreen skills. Available immediately, only serious callers.”
“Not immediately.” He looked at her curiously. Tenderly. “Not for a while, I’d say.”
The weight, the one that had been pressing into her stomach since she’d realized what needed to be done, sank heavier. Now—this was it. The coda.
The moment it all ended. Olive could do this, and she would, and things would be all the better for it.
“I think I should be.” She swallowed, and it was like acid down her throat.
“Available.” She scanned his face, noticed his confusion, and clenched her fist in the hem of her sweater. “We gave ourselves a deadline, Adam. And we accomplished everything we wanted. Jeremy and Anh are solid—I doubt they even remember that Jeremy and I used to date. And your funds have been released, which is amazing. The truth is . . .”
Her eyes stung. She closed them tight, managing to push the tears back.
Barely.
The truth, Adam, is that your friend, your collaborator, a person youclearly love and are close to, is horrid and despicable. He told me things thatmight be truths, or maybe lies—I don’t know. I’m not sure. I’m not sure ofanything anymore, and I would love to ask you, so badly. But I’m terrifiedthat he might be right, and that you won’t believe me. And I’m even moreterrified that you will believe me, and that what I tell you will force you togive up something that is very important to you: your friendship and your
work with him. I’m terrified of everything, as you can see. So, instead oftelling you that truth, I will tell you another truth. A truth that, I think, will bebest for you. A truth that will take me out of the equation, but will make itsresult better. Because I’m starting to wonder if this is what being in love is.
Being okay with ripping yourself to shreds, so the other person can staywhole.
She inhaled deeply. “The truth is, we did great. And it’s time we call it quits.”
She could tell from how his lips parted, from his disoriented eyes searching hers, that he wasn’t yet parsing what she’d said. “I don’t think we’ll need to explicitly tell anyone,” she continued. “People won’t see us together, and after a while they’ll think that . . . that it didn’t work out. That we broke up. And maybe you . . .” This was the hardest part. But he deserved to hear it. He’d told her the same, after all, when he’d believed her in love with Jeremy. “I wish you all the best, Adam. At Harvard, and . . . with your real girlfriend. Whoever you may choose. I cannot imagine anyone not reciprocating your feelings.”
She could pinpoint the exact moment it dawned on him. She could tease apart the feelings struggling in his face—the surprise, the confusion, a hint of stubbornness, a split second of vulnerability that all melted in a blank, empty expression. Then she could see his throat work.
“Right,” he said. “Right.” He was staring at his shoes, absolutely motionless. Slowly accepting her words.
Olive took a step back and rocked on her heels. Outside, an iPhone rang, and a few seconds later someone burst into laughter. Normal noises, on a normal day. Normal, all of this.
“It’s for the best,” she said, because the silence between them—that, she just couldn’t stand. “It’s what we agreed on.”
“Whatever you want.” His voice was hoarse, and he seemed . . . absent.
Retreated to some place inside himself. “Whatever you need.”
“I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. Not just about Anh. When we met, I felt so alone, and . . .” For a moment she couldn’t
continue. “Thank you for all the pumpkin spice, and for that Western blot, and for hiding your taxidermied squirrels when I visited, and . . .”
She couldn’t bring herself to go on anymore, not without choking on her words. The stinging in her eyes was burning now, threatening to spill over, so she nodded once, decisively, a period to this dangling sentence with no end in sight.
And that would have been it. It would have surely been the end. They would have left it at that, if Olive hadn’t passed him on her way to the door.
If he hadn’t reached out and stopped her with a hand on her wrist. If he hadn’t immediately pulled that hand back and stared at it with an appalled expression, as if shocked that he’d dared to touch her without asking for permission first.
If he hadn’t said, “Olive. If you ever need anything, anything at all.
Anything. Whenever. You can come to me.” His jaw worked, like there were other words, words he was keeping inside. “I want you to come to me.”
She almost didn’t register wiping wetness off her cheek with the back of her hand, or moving closer to him. It was his scent that jolted her alert— soap and something dark, subtle but oh so familiar. Her brain had him mapped out, stored away across all senses. Eyes to his almost smile, hands to his skin, the smell of him in her nostrils. She didn’t even need to think about what to do, just push up on her toes, press her fingers against his biceps, and kiss him gently on the cheek. His skin was soft and warm and a little prickly; unexpected, but not unwelcome.
An apt goodbye, she thought. Appropriate. Acceptable.
And so was his hand coming up to her lower back, pulling her into his body and stopping her from sliding back on her heels, or the way his head turned, until her lips were not brushing the skin of his cheek anymore. Her breath hitched, a chuff against the corner of his mouth, and for a few precious seconds she just savored it, the deep pleasure that ran through them both as they closed their eyes and let themselves just be, here, with each other.
Quiet. Still. One last moment.
Then Olive opened her mouth and turned her head, breathing against his lips, “Please.”
