“I’ve thought about that a lot, too,” she said. “In the year leading up to Sean’s death, he was so distant, so secretive. He took what he called ‘business trips,’ but he didn’t say where. And I knew something was going on with his company, but he was vague, and I didn’t push him. What if I had probed a little more? I trusted that he’d come to me when he was ready, but it never happened.”
Michael looked out the window. “I had a long time to prepare, but still I held back so much. All the things I didn’t ask her because I was afraid it would hurt, all the conversations she tried to have with me but I stopped. I was just so scared of losing her.” He shook his head then looked at her. “I can’t imagine the shock of what you went through, but I guess what I’m saying is that losing someone slowly is terribly painful, too.”
Ellie swallowed, determined not to turn away from the pain he was exposing to her. “How long were you together?”
“Almost ten years.”
Almost. It was like being trapped on the wrong side of a chasm, impossible to cross, and seeing the life you missed on the other side.
“I try to remember to be thankful now, even in difficult times...” She smiled. “Like today, for example. Thank you for helping me. Without you, I don’t know where I’d be right now.”
Michael nodded, studying her for a moment, and then a little smile cracked on his face. “I definitely wouldn’t be here right now without you.”
Ellie laughed. “I’m pretty sure you’re getting the short end of the stick on this one.”
She offered the cup of hot chocolate to Michael. He took a drink. “I’m not so sure about that.”
Something about the softness of his voice made her heart quicken.
Michael stuck his hand in his backpack and pulled out homemade granola bars, a package of almonds and two oranges. He spread them out over the tablecloth.
“We both need to eat,” he said. “We have no idea what the night will bring.”
The comment made her shiver in fear. Would Aidan or his workers trace their path here? Even without them, there were plenty of dangers on the mountain.
Ellie took another warm drink and grabbed a handful of almonds. Then she took a deep breath and reached into her jacket pocket for the envelope. She still wasn’t sure if she was ready, but she couldn’t put it off any longer.
She opened the sealed flap. As she pulled out the folded paper inside, a shiny brass key slid out with it, tumbling onto the table. Michael picked it up, studied it, then placed it in the palm of her hand. Her skin was bright pink and trembling—from the cold or something more? Maybe it was both. She stared at the key for a moment then slid it back in the envelope. Her gaze settled on the folded letter. She opened it, her heart pounding.
Dear Elizabeth,
If you are reading this, it’s because I need you to go ahead of me. Leave my passport in the chest for me, and leave some of the money. I promise I will be right behind you. Follow the directions to the safe house I’ve found for us and wait for me. The place is ours, and no one knows about it. Trust me. And tell no one you’re leaving. No one.
All my love, Sean
The letter was typed, but the words No one were double underlined with blue ink. Below the letter was a map of the Virgin Islands and instructions for which planes to take, which buses, how many times to switch taxis to make sure no one was following her. Sean had thought through this very carefully. That meant he had understood the danger he could be in—danger he’d been exposing them both to.
Ellie felt an unexpected surge of anger at her husband, who, despite his love for her, had put them both in danger. He had loved her, hadn’t he?
“What does it say?”
She swallowed visibly. “It’s...it’s instructions for a place. In the Virgin Islands?”
She handed Michael the letter and looked at him expectantly, like she needed confirmation that it was real. He took the letter and read it. She didn’t feel the tears spilling over until Michael looked up at her. She brushed them away and gave a wry little laugh. “Some good that promise to ‘be right behind me’ was.”
Michael reached across the table as if to take her hand, but instead he looked away.
“When I was searching through your garage, I saw pictures of you and Sean,” he said.
“I took them all down after he died. I just couldn’t walk around the house seeing a picture of this life of ours that was gone.”
“I understand,” he said. “From everything I could see in those photos, you looked happy together.”
“I thought we were.” But how could that be true when Sean had been hiding something this important from her? She shook her head. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Ellie’s eyes moved down to the letter again as color flooded her cheeks. Her brow knitted and her lips moved, but no words came out. Michael thought back to the photo he’d found of her with Sean in the Grand Canyon. She’d had the kind of smile full of love that reminded him of the way he used to feel. Would either of them smile like that again?
He hadn’t talked much about Sunny to anyone, but maybe she would get some comfort from it. Maybe he would, too.
“Sunny and I had this dream to turn an old cabin into a little retreat for us—the line camp where I found you on our property. It’s nothing much, but it was supposed to be a place for just the two of us.” He shook his head slowly. “That’s not what God intended for us.
“I’ve tried to live with all these reminders of the life we wanted together. But it’s hurting my parents to see me suffer, and my pain isn’t going away.” He glanced at Ellie for signs of judgment, but there were none. “I’m leaving this summer. I’ve tried to make sure the ranch can run without me. I told them it was just for a few months, to get myself back on my feet. But if God wanted me to stay...”
Had Ellie, too, doubted God’s path?
“How did your parents take that news?” she asked.
“Not well.” They’d started a full-scale campaign of guilt.
“I can’t do anything, even pretend to understand what God has in store for me,” she said. “But I know, when Sean died, there were moments I was so angry. Angry at him for dying. Angry at myself for keeping my thoughts to myself to make our marriage run more smoothly. Angry at God for allowing this loss.” She let out a long sigh. “One of my good friends from childhood stayed with me those first weeks. She reminded me of my sixteen-year-old self, worried about our ranch, with no idea where my life would take me. I never could have pictured where I would be now. So, I decided I would just trust that I have no idea what’s in store. I can’t imagine it. All I can do is trust it.”
Michael met her gaze as the weight of her words sank in. All she could do is trust it. God had given him a loving and close family, and a good life on the ranch. God had led him to Sunny, a woman he’d loved with all his heart. He had accepted all of this as God’s will when it had brought him happiness, but now, when he had felt the pain of life, he was no longer ready to accept it? Whose life was only full of the good moments?
He looked over at Ellie, thinking about her words, her wisdom as she navigated roads not so different from his.
“I wish it felt like the good outweighed the sadness,” he said.
She gave him a hint of a smile. “Don’t we all. But that’s not always how life works.”
