When people complain, it’s because they want others to recognize and validate their pain; even if it’s not the real problem, it’s still a form of affirmation.
09. They do not filter out certain aspects of an experience to catastrophize it.
People who jump A-Z and only think up worst-case scenarios usually do not have the confidence that they can take care of themselves if something unexpected were to arise—so they prepare for the worst and rob themselves of the best in the process.
10. They do not keep a list of things people “should” or “shouldn’t” do.
They recognize that “right” and “wrong” are two highly subjective things and that believing there is a universal code of conduct to which all people need to adhere only makes the person who believes that consistently disappointed.
11. They do not consider themselves a judge of what’s right or wrong.
Especially when it comes to offering friends advice, they don’t assume their ideal response to a situation is the solution everyone needs.
12. They do not draw general conclusions from their personal experiences.
They do not draw their own generalized conclusions about the human race based on the small percentage of the world that they experience each day.
13. They do not change their personality based on who they’re around.
Everyone fears rejection, but not everyone gets to truly experience the kind of acceptance that comes from being yourself unconditionally.
14. They can stand up for themselves without being aggressive or defensive.
Though it sounds like a contradiction, aggressiveness or defensiveness is indicative of insecurity. Calmly standing up for oneself is indicative of inner resolve and self-esteem.
15. They do not assume that this is always the way their life will be.
They are always conscious of the fact that their feelings are temporary, be they good or bad. This makes them focus on the positive and let the negative go with more ease.
18
10 KEY THINGS
WE MISUNDERSTAND
about EMOTION
01. The long-term effects of emotional abuse can be as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse7.
Emotional abuse is often not taken as seriously because it cannot always be “seen.” But the severity of the long-term effects of any type of abuse aren’t all that different. Emotional abuse is similar to physical abuse in that it systematically wears away at a person’s self-confidence, worth, and concept. Emotional abuse can manifest in a variety of ways, including but not limited to controlling, threatening, degrading, belittling, criticizing, shouting, etc.
02. Emotions outlast the memories that created them.
We take past emotions and project them onto situations that are in our current lives. This is to say, unless we heal what happened in the past, we’re always going to be controlled by it. Furthermore, our irrational fears and most severe day-to-day anxieties can be traced back to a cause, which needs to be addressed to effectively stop the effect.
03. Creative people are depressed for a reason8.
The expression and experience of negative emotions are correlated with activation in the right frontal cortex (as well as in other structures such as the amygdala) or in other words, the same areas that are activated when consistently being creative and putting abstract meaning to the concrete reality of whatever your current experience is.
04. Fear doesn’t mean a desire to escape. It means you’re interested.
The emotion most associated with fear is interest, believe it or not.
It’s even been said that fear has two invisible faces: one that wants to flee and the other that wants to investigate. This is to say, nothing is generally “scary” to us unless some part of us also wants to
understand it, knows we are a part of it, and feels as though it will become part of our experience.
05. Feelings other than happiness are not marks of failure. Health is having a spectrum of emotion.
Negative emotions are good for you. In fact, maintaining a consistent experience of only “happiness”—or any emotion, really
—would be a sign of mental illness. It’s simply not how our minds and bodies are structured. In other words, you’re not supposed to be happy all the time. Listen to what your body is telling you. Negative emotions are a signal that something isn’t right. The emotion doesn’t have to be fixed; the thing that it’s signaling your attention to does.
06. Emotions can “predict the future,” or in other words, gut feelings are real.
A study at Columbia University9 which is being called the
“Emotional Oracle Effect” essentially proved that people who trust their emotions can predict future outcomes. Because they tap into it regularly, they have a window into their subconscious mind, which is more or less just an unconscious well of information.
07. We can relive social pain more than we can physical pain, which is another reason some researchers believe it is, in a sense, more damaging.
When there aren’t any psychological factors that play into physical pain, or rather, there’s no innate instinct that we need to process or readjust ourselves to survive, we let the memory go. However, our brains will prioritize rejection or other social emotion or humiliation, because we need to remain in the “tribe” to survive.
08. Stress may just be the most dangerous emotion (especially when it’s consistent) and yet it goes unaddressed more often than other feelings.
Relaxing isn’t something you should do to pamper yourself; it’s absolutely essential. Stress debilitates every part of you, and it’s in one way or another interconnected with the top causes of death around the world: accidents, cancer, heart disease, suicide, etc.
09. Social media is actually making us more emotionally disconnected.