09. In theory, we expect people to be accepting of all religions, yet if someone doesn’t understand our dogma or belief system or religious background, we consider them just “not at the level” to understand it. We can claim that every path is valid, but many people don’t realize they believe theirs is just a little more effective.
10. We think people who judge others over petty things are terrible, but we’re judging them…for judging…
11. We expect people to not make jokes at our expense, despite the fact that often the cheapest shot at humor is in tearing other people down, and at the end of the day, we’re quick to go for the lazy (and mean) jibe that gets a laugh when we need to feel a little lifted.
12. We expect that people value themselves, and stop disparaging themselves but we also expect them to lift us up when we do it ourselves (or we even think our constant self-deprecation is endearing).
13. We expect people to change overnight, whether it’s eating better and taking control of their health, getting out of a toxic relationship or job—whatever it is, when other people self-sabotage, we think a
pep talk will do the trick. That’s rarely the case—we need only to look at our own detrimental habits to see that.
14. We roll our eyes and shoot dirty looks at people who don’t behave the way we think is considerate and appropriate—who are too loud in public, who are late or messy or in some way unkempt, yet when we’re tired and stressed and behind schedule, we don’t care if we loudly take a work call while on line for coffee, or hold up a waitress or cashier to accommodate a random need. It’s fine when we’re loudly laughing and talking over brunch because we’re excited, but it’s annoying when someone else does the same thing.
It’s only not a nuisance if we’re doing it.
15. We expect complete honesty from others, and yet when that
“honesty” is something we don’t want to hear, it’s “mean,” and when it’s our turn to tell the truth, we avoid doing so until there’s no other choice.
16. We expect unconditional love from the people who are closest to us, as if that will be enough to make up for the fact that we do not love ourselves.
62
YOU DON'T
have to
“LOVE YOURSELF”
PERFECTLY
in order to
BE WORTHY OF
SOMEONE
ELSE'S LOVE
When people say that you need to “love yourself” before you can love someone else, what they mean is that if you are subconsciously seeking a relationship to fix your life, give you direction, or make you feel better, you will perpetually choose the wrong person, and you’ll never really have the kind of relationship you want. Unfortunately, what gets communicated is that you have to wait until you love yourself—and every aspect of your life
—before you can be worthy of finding and committing to the right person.
What it sounds like is if you don’t have love, it’s your own damn fault. It’s because you aren’t good enough yet, because you haven’t mastered enough, because you haven’t done enough to earn it. What it sounds like is that you shouldn’t accept love until you think you’re ready for it, and that we are only meant to evolve autonomously, and once we’re in a relationship, we can stop.
But you are not going to be ready for the love of your life when they show up. Nobody is. And if you deny yourself that relationship because you think you need to do more work beforehand, what you’re really doing is missing out on the most effective growing tool there is.
Love is a grand magnifier: It shows you what you love and what you dislike about yourself and your life. The right relationship will encourage you to address that fully and work on it. The right relationship will help you learn to love yourself. It is meant to change everything, and it always does.
So learn to thrive in the meantime. Use the days you have on your own to be your own person, and do what you can only do on your own time, and by yourself. But never confuse that for the idea that you cannot be loved before you are completely loving, that other people are only obligated to be as kind as you are to yourself, that you’ll be ready for love when it comes.
Yes, the way you treat yourself will dictate and determine how other people treat you, but the work of being a whole, evolved, complete, loved and loving human being is not how well you can thrive in isolation and solitude, it’s how you can stand up for yourself, demand respect, choose love, and learn to keep moving and evolving even when the person you’ve always been looking for is finally standing right beside you.
Loving yourself is letting yourself be loved, too.
63
30 QUESTIONS
you need to
ASK YOURSELF
if you still
HAVEN’T FOUND
THE RELATIONSHIP
YOU WANT
01. Do you think of relationships as something you earn for being
“good enough” or something you develop when you’re strong enough to open your heart?
02. What does “love” mean to you? Is it just a good feeling? Is it companionship? Is it comfort? Is it direction for the future?
03. How could you possibly get those things in your life if not through the company and proclamation of undying intimacy from someone you probably don’t even know yet?