“Where are the kids?” I asked.
“Sarah went to Josie’s family’s cabin for the week. Leigh took Alex and Chelsea to the ranch. I also got Imodium, Pepto, and some Kaopectate,” he said. “Do you like honey in your tea?”
He waited for my answer with the sweetest, most concerned expression. He was so worried about me. It was in every line of his face.
I had to look awful. I hadn’t brushed my hair and I’d been barfing for two days straight. I probably smelled terrible too, but I was too weak and exhausted to do anything about it.
But I was glad he was here. Not just because I’d needed help, but because I wanted to see him. His presence comforted me the way Maddy did, or Mom when she was taking care of me and not the other way around.
It was so rare that anyone took care of me.
It was rare I allowed it.
“Honey?” he asked again.
“Yes, thank you.”
I ate the soup and drank the tea and fell asleep again. When I woke up, it was getting dark outside.
I got up wrapped in a blanket and wandered into the hallway. Justin was on the sofa on his laptop. Probably getting some work done. When he saw me, he put his computer on the coffee table. “Hey, you’re up.”
“Yeah.” I nodded over my shoulder. “I just need to use the bathroom.”
“Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head. “No. What time is it?”
He looked at his watch. “Seven fifteen. You were asleep for a few hours.”
“You changed your clothes,” I said.
He looked down at his white T-shirt. “I ran home and got my stuff.”
I nodded again, too tired for more words.
I used the bathroom, happy I was hydrated enough to need to. Justin had cleaned. The room smelled faintly of bleach.
I decided to take a shower. My legs were wobbly, but I felt gross and slightly self-conscious with Justin here. When I looked in the mirror, it was worse than I thought. I looked like absolute hell. I was pale, I had deep black circles under my eyes. I was getting undressed and I lost my balance and fell a little into the wall. A second later Justin knocked on the door. “Are you all right in there? I heard a thump.”
“Yeah.” I steadied myself. “I’m just getting ready to take a shower.”
“Okay.” A pause. “Do you need any help or…?” I could hear the grin through the door.
He actually managed to draw a laugh out of me. “No, Justin. I think I’ve got it.”
“All right, all right, I’m just trying to be useful.”
He was being nice to me, but this was the first time in almost a week he’d been playful with me.
I knew I’d broken something between us that night on the lawn. It was the price for my honesty. I just hadn’t anticipated how high it was or how much I would hate paying it.
Why did I think that he’d want casual sex with me? The idea seemed absurd to me now.
So maybe we couldn’t be more than what we were. Our lifestyles didn’t fit. But why did I want to cheapen the friendship that was there?
Because I didn’t know how not to.
I didn’t know how to be with someone that I had these complicated feelings for, I’d never done it.
He had every right to be upset.
When I came out of the shower, he’d stripped the bed and remade it with fresh sheets. He’d opened the window over the bench seat to air out the room. There was a new bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand. I stood in the doorway, watching him with his back to me, putting the last pillowcase on my pillow.
He looked over his shoulder and saw me standing there. “Oh, hey. Sorry, I tried to get it done before you got out.”
“Thank you.”
I was wrapped in a towel. I couldn’t stomach putting on my dirty clothes again for the short walk to my room.
He set the pillow on the bed and smiled a little at me, and I felt myself blush.
I’d been fully ready to go home with him the other night. He’d had a boner pressed right into my stomach. But this was a different kind of intimacy than that and one I wasn’t used to.
“How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Better. Still tired.”
He looked away, like he wasn’t sure he should be looking at me half-naked like this.
