“What do you think?” he asked.
I tried to be diplomatic. “You need to do what you think is best. If that means no more fostering then—”
“Not about that.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Do you think you’d want to foster MJ and Sofia again?”
I sighed. I wasn’t prepared for this conversation. “I don’t know. I need to talk to my aunt.”
“We just thought since you obviously still care about them…”
“I know,” I whispered, “but it’s not that simple.”
“To be honest, we never really understood why you gave them up in the first place.”
When I didn’t respond, Tim continued. “I asked MJ once, but he wouldn’t say. Richard thought maybe there’d been some sort of incident.”
I could only imagine what he was thinking. “No, nothing like that.” I took a deep breath and continued. “To make a long story short, it was my aunt who wanted to give them up. Not because she didn’t bond with them, but the opposite. She became very attached to Sofia, and when their mother resurfaced and wanted to regain custody, my aunt couldn’t deal with it. She thought if she had to give them up it was better to cut ties sooner rather than later.”
“That’s always a possibility when you foster,” Tim said. “But you know that going in.”
“Yes, but this was our first time fostering and we weren’t emotionally prepared. My aunt only agreed to take them in on an emergency basis because I asked her to. The whole thing was my idea.”
“And they won’t let you foster alone because you’re a single parent? That seems very shortsighted.”
I shook my head. I really didn’t want to have to tell him about my suicide attempt. “It’s more than just that.”
“I understand it’s harder as a single parent,” he continued. “I could never do this alone. But, Grace, unlike most of us, you can afford to hire help.”
Tim waited for me to explain. When I didn’t, he said, “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable sharing.”
I laughed. “Except you really want me to.”
Tim laughed too. “Of course, I want you to! Richard and I have been trying to figure this out since the day we met you.”
“And what have you come up with? Surely you must have a theory.”
“Well, like I said, at first we thought something bad must’ve happened, but MJ denied it. And as we got to you know better, we really couldn’t picture it. Now Richard thinks you don’t want the responsibility, that you want your freedom.”
“Is that what you think too?” I asked.
“No. I think that’s what Richard wants.”
We both laughed.
Tim hesitated then said, “I think the real reason is you only want MJ, not Sofia too.”
I stared down at the blanket.
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Tim continued. “Not everyone is as crazy as I am and wants a bunch of kids. My husband, for example. He thinks one is plenty.”
“That’s not it,” I said. “I should’ve tried harder with Sofia though. It’s just that when I’m with her, I can’t help thinking of Amelia. And my aunt was so good with her, I gave myself permission to step back. That’s still no excuse.”
Tim reached for my hand. “No one blames you, Grace. It’s completely understandable.”
“To you, maybe.”
“To everyone,” Tim said. “And MJ didn’t want to be separated from Sofia?”
I shook my head. “But it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because that’s not why they don’t live with me.” I stared at his expectant face. “They wouldn’t approve me. That’s why it had to be my aunt.”
“CPS wouldn’t approve you?” Tim roared, startling baby Aaron, who began to cry. Tim picked him up and rubbed circles on his back until he quieted down again. “That’s ridiculous,” Tim said, his voice low again. “Did Serena tell you that? Because I’ll call her right now and tell her she’s crazy.”
He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and looked like he was actually going to call, so I said, “Don’t. She had nothing to do with it.” I realized then there was no way out of this, so I took a deep breath and told him the whole story.
Tim was still indignant. “You made a mistake. We all screw up sometimes. Are they going to hold it against you forever?”
“Not forever. But Janelle told me I’d need to wait at least a year.”
“I think you should apply now. Serena’s already looking for a new placement. You know, Grace, not all foster parents get into this for the right reasons. Some of the homes—”
“I know. I’m going to talk to my aunt. I promise.”
I decided the best time to broach the topic with Aunt Maddy would be over an alcohol-infused Sunday brunch. She was on her second mimosa when my phone rang. I was surprised to see Deena Gonzalez’s name in the caller ID.
“Is this a good time?” Deena asked when I picked up.
The restaurant was loud, and she must’ve heard the noise. “Actually, can I call you back?”
“I just need to know if you’re available to meet with someone from the FBI’s LA field office next week. The meeting shouldn’t take more than a couple hours.”
