“You were dreaming about her again, weren’t you?” Mia asked softly.
The sadness in her eyes as she slowly lowered the bucket of water chased another wave of despair through my quivering body.
I quickly rushed to her side and grabbed her hand.
“Not a word to Dad, understand?”
She pulled her hand out of mine. Only now did I realize that I was completely sweaty. Without another word, I disappeared into the bathroom.
I slammed the door, not exactly gently, behind me and hurried to the sink.
As I tried to turn on the water tap, it flew across the bathroom and the cold water gushed out at me.
“Shit!” it escaped me and, in a rage, I smashed my fist against the mirror.
Shards flew in all directions, and there was something redeeming about the pain that coursed through my body. Something I had been searching for, for a long time, but I only found it in my pain. The pain I would be cursed with for the rest of my life.
“Julian. Are you okay in there?”, Mia’s concerned voice drifted distantly to my ear.
I had scared her.
The water was flooding the floor by now, and I inverted a battered bucket over the damaged faucet in such a way that the water coming out was thrown back into the sink.
Finally, I sank to the floor.
My eyes fell on my left arm, with blood running down it. It had been the glass shards that had dug deep into my skin. At that point, my arteries had grown larger and their blackness combined with all the blood formed an eerie image of the chaos I was capable of.
“Julian? Do you want me to call Dad? He still has the serum...”
“No, I’m fine, Mia!” I pressed out angrily, but immediately slammed my head against the wall behind me.
This anger inside me shouldn’t get to Mia, damn it! The last thing she needed right now was this.
“Do you need anything?” she asked cautiously.
She was closer to the door now. Too close.
“No, Mia. I’m fine. Now please go!”
I hated myself for being so dismissive. But it was necessary. I didn’t want her to see her brother like this. Weak. Vulnerable. Aggressive.
I rose, slowly and heavily, propped myself against the sink, careful because I didn’t want it to break under my weight again, and tried to control my breathing. Holding my hand under the bucket, above the cooling stream of water, I breathed deeply in and out.
How had this happened? I thought I was in control, but I had been wrong. Every single damn day, I lost it a little bit more. With every dream, it got worse. Because it was the dreams that controlled me. They revealed to me who I really was. My deepest wounds and my dusty heart.
I was not a lovable person as I would have liked to be. I was a monster. The monster that had killed my mother.
Chapter 7
Bayla
There was only garbage on the Internet. Neither under wild wolves nor in the search for missing persons cases in combination with Blairville was anything to be found. A single page, a chat in the forum on the Vanderwood University webpage, had popped up, and I had joined a heated discussion about the missing student, but it had been locked the next moment.
What remained was the website of the local news station, Blairville Daily, on which in every third picture a Joe with synthetic cheeks grinned into the camera, in every second video his wife Harriet, who wore a blond perm and like a bird of prey on the prowl attacked unsuspecting pedestrians and forced them to give interviews, or the young reporter’s daughter who apparently wrote the town’s newspaper and gathered a massive reporter team of young men around her. The only one who seemed like a normal person was their son, the weatherman, Oliver.
The more time I spent on the Bexley's page, the more I understood why Mum didn't want me to listen to the news.
Frustrated, I slammed the laptop shut.
I had given up arguing with my mother. While I would sooner or later forgive her for forcing me to let Julian take me to university, I resented her for not telling me about such important things as her new job. We were a family, and I should know about such things. But I was getting more and more convinced that Mum disagreed.
Still annoyed, I rose from the bed and hung my blue dress over one of the free hangers. The wrinkles it had gotten overnight, because I had just thrown it in the corner out of rage, stretched all over the fabric.
I had to think about yesterday again. That dinner had been the biggest disaster in a long time. Julian’s pompous manner had driven me incredibly insane. And then my mother...
I had to be careful that nothing crazy happened to my arms. That’s why I had jumped up and had run to my room. Just because of that. Upstairs, I had taken two pills and immediately went to sleep.
Fortunately, nothing more had happened. But after I had woken up this morning, I had regretted it because, right after that, the usual headache had started again.
Now I was standing here in my room, trying to clean up the mess that had been made over the last few days. I had to admit to myself that I was not tidiness personified. Clothes lined the white carpet, and between them were sheets of paper and scribbled notes.
I bent down to pick it all up, just tossing the used clothes into the nearest corner. Orderly chaos was still better than disorderly chaos.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
I didn’t have to turn around to know my mum was standing in the doorway.
Instead, I continued to sort through the paperwork I had to turn in to the office on Monday. They were the visa, my mum’s bank account details and scholarship evidence.