“Because otherwise it gets chaotic. And out of control. And I’ve lived that way before. I won’t live that way again.”
“Your dad?”
“Yes. He was a mess, Sadie. I took care of Kate, but my dad was like another child at a certain point. He made bad decisions, and it was up to me to clean it up. Cover it up. Before my mom left he was okay.”
“He never got over your mom?”
He lifted a shoulder. “Probably at some point he was just an alcoholic who liked booze. Probably there was a point where he’d forgotten why he ever started drinking. But that’s just a theory. There was always so much to take care of.”
“It explains you.”
He looked at her, his eyes blank. “I failed him, though. In the end.”
“What?”
“The night he died. Whenever Dad got drunk, I used to take his keys and hide them. That was my routine. Dad was drunk every night, for the record, so I knew to hide his keys every night.”
“Eli, you should have never had to deal with all that.”
“But I did. We don’t get to choose our lot, we choose what we do with it. Except...the night my dad died I decided not to go home after my shift. I was out. Connor and Jessie lived in the cabin Kate lives in now. My dad and I were in the main house. I hadn’t moved out because he needed someone. And I knew he needed someone. But that night, I figured he was probably passed out so I didn’t need to go home. Went out with a bunch of guys from the department instead. And a call came in over the radio.”
“Oh...Eli.”
“Yeah, well...it’s been a long time. And my dad was not a father to me, not really. But that doesn’t change the fact that I let him down. He was impaired, always. And he needed someone to help manage his decisions. I wasn’t there and he died.”
“You can’t honestly blame yourself...”
“You blame me for not saving you from abuse I didn’t even know about. Of course I blame myself for this.”
“Eli, I don’t really blame you...”
“You do,” he said. “And I understand. It’s because I’ve promised to protect people. If I just said screw it like...like Connor does, then I wouldn’t expect better. And no one else would, either. But if I say I’ll take care of it, I better. And I haven’t always. I’ve failed a lot of people.”
“I’m sure you’ve helped more people,” she said, her stomach clenching.
“But I failed where it really matters.”
“But it was his fault.”
“Does it matter?” he asked, turning his back to the view, leaning against the railing. “Does it matter if you know you should feel a different way about it?”
She thought about how she’d felt when her blame had poured out of her back in the woods. About how she’d been carrying that feeling around, buried deep and low, for years.
“I guess not,” she said. “But...you shouldn’t feel that way.”
He lifted a shoulder. “Sure.”
“Do we get some sort of...accolades for exposing just how screwed up we both are?” she asked. “Because I figured this just-sex thing would involve a lot less talking.”
“Then why are we talking?” he asked.
“Because. I spent a lot of years listening for a living and never met anyone I wanted to talk to. And...I want to talk to you. But I don’t always like the things that get said.”
“Neither do I.”
“Maybe we should stop talking, then,” she said, moving to him and curling her hand around his neck, kissing him.
“I have to be at work in an hour.”
“I can get a lot done with twenty minutes. Just you wait and see.”
* * *
Sadie was actaully nervous. Like...upchucking nervous. The barbecue was today. Booths were being set up. Volunteers were on hand, paid workers were on hand, individual vendors were on hand.
Over the past week she’d finalized everything for the barbecue, bought new linens for the B and B, and perfected her menu, and also during that past week, she’d been sleeping with Eli, either at his place or hers.
She liked to think that had something to do with how well things were going. If for no other reason than being with him made her feel very good.
She paced the open field area where everything was being set up. The good thing about getting local businesses to participate was that everyone basically saw to their own booth once she directed them.
Barbecues were already being fired up for the cook-off, very large pots of beans and potato salad were either heating or chilling. Beer on tap was at hand. Kate and Jack were in the large uncovered arena ready to do some rodeo work and to show some basic roping techniques.
And Jack was even coordinating a round of mutton busting, with prizes donated from the Farm and Garden. She wondered if Connor had checked with his insurance about that. She imagined not.
Jack and Kate had proven to be enthusiastic additions, and their passion for the events was contagious. It was also enticing a whole new segment of the county to the barbecue.
The only booth that was empty was Alison’s. And it was starting to make Sadie wring her hands in despair. Well, she could get pies from the grocery store for the contest if she had to. But she doubted it would make for as special a dessert booth as she’d planned. In fact, without the homemade stuff, it felt like a “why bother.”
