🌎 🌎 “Path to Manhood” by Dane C. Hawkins

The next day Niecey wakes up over 30 minutes before the alarm she set the night before. Even though she got to bed really late she still feels rested and relaxed as if she got a full night's sleep. It doesn’t make any sense to her, but she is glad because she thought it was going to be a tough morning. She has never experienced that euphoric feeling people have when they are in the midst of a new love interest and how it will make you feel energetic. She gets dressed and has a couple of hours before work to try and get some schoolwork done. Unfortunately, she is finding it difficult to focus. All she can think about is the night before. Going over the dinner and the conversations in her mind again. She has to tell someone. That is the only way to get it off her mind. She calls Reesa, who she is dying to tell anyway. Reesa is once again telling her she predicted it. Reminding her that she is the one that told her to stay at school on the weekend so that she could spend more time with him. She is very excited for her sister. Just being a few weeks pregnant she has no idea when she will have that type of excitement in the future. Everything she is doing these days is in preparation for the family she is building with her husband. At 23 everyone assumes she is old enough to be ready for it but a part of her is terrified of the unknown journey ahead of her and hearing about her sister’s experiences is a temporary escape. After about 25 minutes of hearing about Lucas, Reesa decides she has to meet this guy for herself even though she doesn’t tell Niecey and makes her get off the phone to try and do some work. Niecey is eventually able to do a little work but after about 20 minutes she has to head to work at the bookstore.

Lucas wakes up with the same inexplicable energy even though he does sleep a bit later than Niecey has. He wakes up and gets dressed then heads over to the cafeteria with one of the friends he has in the program. He wants to call to say good morning to Niecey but knows that she is supposed to be doing school work and doesn’t want to be a distraction. He knows that phone call will probably turn into another long conversation. As he has breakfast, he tells his friends all about his date the night before. They joke about how excited he seems just to talk about it, which makes him calm down a bit. But it definitely doesn’t stop him from thinking about Niecey because as he finishes up his food, he considers grabbing some breakfast for her and running it over to her at the dorm. He reconsiders since he doesn’t want to go overboard and do too much. Especially after hearing the jokes from the guys at the table. He pretty much spends the entire day in that same cycle of thinking of a reason to stop by and see her at work or call her dorm and then stop himself to avoid coming on too strong. After all, he is going to see her that evening to go to the movies anyway.

That night Lucas shows up to Niecey’s dorm to pick her up promptly when they planned so they can make it to the theater in time for the 07:30 P.M. showing. They talk about how each other’s day has been and give each other a general breakdown of the day. Neither is going to admit to the other that they thought about them all day and there is nothing else about the day that really matters at that moment. They arrive, buy tickets and go to the concessions line to get some snacks when Lucas notices some of the people he knows from the university coming into the theater in a group. They see him as well and make their way over to speak to the couple, giving Lucas fake looks of surprise as if they didn’t know he was going to be there. Lucas plays along out of embarrassment hoping that Niecey doesn’t notice how fake it is as he introduced her to them. As they move on to go get their seats Niecey turns to Lucas. “If you want to sit with your friends, we can.” Lucas hasn’t considered it and looks surprised that she even mentioned it. “I told you I don’t want to share you with them,” he responds, cracking a smile. She laughs at his endearing joke but says “I’m really okay with it. I want to know your friends, too.” But Lucas isn’t interested in being with anyone but Niecey right now. “We’re all going to be here all summer. You’ll have plenty of time to get to know them. I barely know them.” And that is the end of that debate. The rest of the night is very similar to the previous night that was full of great conversations between them. Only this evening has to end much earlier since Niecey has to get up bright and early to meet her family at church just as she has promised her mother the weekend before.

The next day Niecey is once again up bright and early. She gets up and begins to get dressed but she is operating on autopilot. She is getting prepared for church just as she has every Sunday morning since she was old enough to get herself ready. But her thoughts can’t be further from that upcoming Sunday service. At least not for her. All she can think about is the young man who is beginning to feel like he will become her first boyfriend. She has never even given herself the opportunity to grow feelings for a guy before and now she can’t stop the way she is feeling if she wanted to. And when she arrives at the church she finds her family already standing outside waiting for her as they greet others, her sister can see it all over her face. Her parents are oblivious to her exuberant mood but even Marvin notices. Obviously because he hears about what is going on from Reesa since Niecey saw the two of them whispering to each other as they try to mask their huge grins.

Once church is over the family goes back to their parents, home to spend time together and have Sunday dinner once it has been prepared. That gives Reesa time to catch up on the night before with Niecey. After hearing about the events from the night before, Reesa only has one question for her sister. “So, why are you waiting to kiss this boy?”

Niecey is caught off guard by this answer. She hasn’t thought for a second that she is making him wait to get a kiss. She is just doing what has felt natural up to this point. She is still just 17 and although she knows she hasn’t done as much as most girls her age, it feels normal. At least to her. She has only kissed one other boy before then and only kissed him a couple of times. The first being in junior high before everyone started to take notice of how smart she is, and things began to change. Things were so innocent then and that same boy asked her to junior prom in what was her senior year of high school. There were no thoughts of a relationship. No expectations. Nothing to mess up.

Now it is different. She sees her inexperience as a weakness and wants to make sure she doesn’t do anything to mess it up. At least now that Reesa has called attention to it. Luckily for her they are now having this conversation in front of Marvin who is now up to speed on the general situation. He is five years older than Niecey as well and has been around on and off since she was about 11 years old. So, a big part of him views her as a little sister that is growing up before him just as he does his real siblings. With Reesa trying to advise her how to get a man he goes into protector mode, volunteering his advice “Hey, don’t rush things with this dude. You take the time you need. If he’s worth it, he will wait.” Reesa gives Marvin a side eye look wanting him to leave the advising to her and silently mouths “don’t listen to him” to Niecey. Reesa knows her sister always wanted her own love story. She remembers the nights she snuck into her room to hear stories about her dates with Marvin and the ups and downs they had already had at such a young age. She encourages Niecey to make those memories for herself. Marvin isn’t going to get too involved with their conversation because he knows they have a special bond as sisters, but he does tell Niecey one last piece of advice.

“Just make sure you know he will be around longer than this summer before you get too deep. Maybe you need to let us meet this dude, too.”

Up to that point she hasn’t worried about what will happen after the summer. She knows he hasn’t made a final decision yet because he has been waitlisted at his top choice for a school. But Marvin is right. The summer is short and soon things can change dramatically but she isn’t sure she wants to mess things up by bringing this up now. So that evening she gets back to campus and got back into what is becoming her routine of schoolwork and prep for the week but the entire time she has tons of other thoughts floating around in her head. All of which goes away the moment she hears her dorm room phone ring. His call is all it takes to focus her mind. When they share conversations over the phone, they feel like it is as intimate as any physical act they could share. They feel free talking to each other. Free to really be themselves and not worry about being judged as different or nerdy or special. They don’t have to dumb anything down for one another. They can be as silly or as simple as they want and not wonder if it comes across wrong. They can be as intelligent or insightful as they want and not feel like they will be ostracized. They answer everything the other struggles with socially. They fit like two puzzle pieces. And by the time they get off the phone that Sunday night Niecey decides that no matter how much time she has with Lucas she is going to just enjoy every minute. She hopes that he eventually decides to go to college there but if it is just for the summer then so be it.

The following week they continue business as usual with school and work, only now they are beginning to carve out a regular routine of seeing each other for breakfast, lunch, or dinner based on the day. They spend as much time as they can together while remaining responsible for their school tasks. And as promised Niecey finally gets to start hanging out with Lucas’ friends in the summer programs that are also her age with a few of them already decided to attend school there in the fall and have already earned credits. The week progresses towards the Independence Day holiday that weekend which means that Lucas will be going home to New York for a long weekend. He will only be gone Friday through Monday but the way he is acting you would think he and Niecey won’t see each other for a month. Niecey isn’t looking forward to him leaving either, but she knows that even if he is there, she won't be able to stay on campus with him this time. Her extended family around D.C. and Maryland always gets together for the holiday and there is no way around that for her.

That Thursday night Lucas is catching the Greyhound home for the holiday weekend. He makes a point to spend most of that day wherever Niecey is going to be, when he isn’t in class. He even shocks her as he grabs her hand as they walk across campus after having lunch. He asks, “Will you come with me to the bus station when I leave?” He is leaving early enough that it will still be light out, so she is happy to go. She feels like it is a girlfriend type of thing to do and is happy to be in that role in his mind. They get to the bus station about 30 minutes before his bus is supposed to leave so they just sit and talk about their plans for the weekend. They sit there in the packed bus station in D.C. with her leaning into him as he drapes his arm over her shoulders, and they completely lose track of the world around them. So much so that Lucas almost misses his bus boarding. Niecey just happens to look up to see how much time they have left and realizes they are making the last call for the bus to New York. They hop up rushing to get over to the bus before it pulls off. As they rush over, they can both see that the bus is almost full, and the doors have already closed. Lucas knocks on the door as he hands the man outside his ticket to show him it is his bus. The driver opens the door after getting the signal and Lucas gives Niecey a huge hug before quickly turning to enter the bus. Just as he steps up to the first step, he feels her hand grabbing his and turns back to see what it is, and she pulls him back to her. Only this time she raises her hand to his cheek and guides his face to hers to give him a kiss. Their first kiss. She doesn’t know what she is doing but she knows she doesn’t want him to leave without knowing how passionately she is feeling about him right now and this just feels right. It is time for them to move forward another step. When they stop Lucas just looks at her for a second and she stands there smiling at him and wiping a lipstick smudge off his lip. He would have stayed there in shock for longer, but the bus driver yells, “boy, are you getting on this damn bus!” It snaps him out of it, and he starts to go back onto the bus. He has to go but doesn’t want to now. As surprised as he is, she can’t believe what she did herself. He slowly backs onto the bus and says, “I gotta go. I’ll be back around this time Monday though. First thing I’m doing is coming to see you.” Before she can get a response out, the bus doors close. She stands there grinning from ear to ear watching him do the same as he looks for a seat and up until the bus pulls off and they wave goodbye to each other.

The holiday weekends are good for both Niecey and Lucas. It is everything they expect it to be. Great time catching up with friends and family they don’t normally see. But for Lucas there is better news even though it won’t mean the same for Niecey.

Just as he said, he gets back from his trip home that Monday and goes straight to Niecey’s dorm after dropping off his things. She is there and comes right down after he calls her on the phone at the front door of the dorm. She exits the front door of the dorm and walks right into his arms but this time he doesn’t give her the big hug he normally does. This time he leans in for a replay of the kiss he has been thinking about since the day he left. It is exactly what she has been thinking about as well and she is just as anxious to kiss him again. They stand there for a few seconds sharing what now feels like their real first kiss. Not nearly as rushed and unexpected as the first one was. They eventually decide to go get some food before the cafeteria closes. They sit in the cafeteria at a table with just the two of them even though they see a person or two that they know. He eats and she keeps him company. He anxiously breaks his good news to her saying, “I finally heard back from my top college. I got in!” Being supportive she quickly says “Congratulations!” “I’ve been waiting all year for them to respond. It’s one of the top engineering schools in the country. The only thing is it is in Pittsburgh. I just don’t know how my family is going to be able to pay ten thousand dollars a year for me to go there. But I really want to go to that school.” The news is bittersweet for her although she masks it well. She is happy for him, even if it leaves their future uncertain.

She promised herself she will make the best of their relationship for as long as they have one and she isn’t going to change her mind now. This news is even more reason to cherish what time they have remaining. For the next month, although they never say it, they operate as if they are an official item. At least as far as everyone else can see. She talks to her sister to get her opinion on trying to maintain a long-distance connection once he leaves. Reesa and Marvin dealt with it when he left for the army at 18. Niecey hopes Reesa will tell her to go for it, but she is surprisingly apprehensive telling her that it doesn’t work for everyone even though it can if they really love each other. Lucas is dealing with apprehensions on his end as well. His mother gets wind of the relationship from what he tells his younger siblings and has been getting on him about not letting some “fast girls” try to trap him because they know he has a bright future. She is very protective and tries her best to shelter him, especially from anything she thinks will derail his future. So, he keeps it from her and keeps her feelings from Niecey. He has no intention of losing her just because he is leaving and once he is in school and on his own his mother can’t do anything to stop him. So, they are in ignorant bliss doing everything to make that month feel perfect. All that other stuff can be dealt with when the issues arise. Now is the time to enjoy being with one another.

In August, Niecey’s birthday approaches just before it is time for him to leave. He has already had to leave a day here and there to rush to get things together in Pittsburgh without dropping out of the summer program. Now, this first weekend of the month will be about nothing but celebrating her birthday. Her actual birthday is Monday, but he planned a full weekend for them. They hang out with friends that Friday and have plenty of one-on-one time that Saturday. He tries to make sure they have the opportunity to do everything they have enjoyed doing together all summer. A movie matinee. Reservations at her favorite local restaurant. Her favorite dessert. A walk along the waterfront at night. He makes sure there is nothing forgotten that day. When the day finally comes to an end, and he walks her to her dorm safely she decides that she doesn’t want the night to end and asks, ”Do you want to come up to the room with me for a while?” As she watches the shock fall upon his face in reaction, she is holding back her own shock at what she has just implied. She doesn’t want him to reject her, but she has never done anything like this before. So, when he takes her hand to follow her into her dorm not only is she nervous about getting caught sneaking in, but she is also anxious about what happens next if they make it to the room.

When they get to the room Lucas immediately starts to ask her if she is sure she wants him to stay. She hasn’t told him, but he knows she has never been with anyone before, and he doesn’t want her to do anything she isn’t ready for yet. He is barely experienced himself, having only been with one person a few times prior and his nerves are all over the place, too. She stops his continued questions of reassurance by placing her finger on his lips to stop him from talking. She has made her decision and she isn’t going to second guess it now. She kisses him to let him know she is ready for what comes next. They continue to make out for a while and eventually she reaches over to him and starts pulling his shirt off. As excited as he is becoming as he starts to help her remove her clothes, all he keeps telling himself is to be gentle. He has heard horror stories of girl’s first time and he wants to make sure this won’t be something she looks back on negatively. What he has done previously was just sex. This time he felt like he is making love. This felt like the most intimate thing either of them has ever done before. When they are done, he makes sure she feels okay, and they lay there with her back nuzzled into his warm chest and all he can think about is how he doesn’t want to leave her now. He has never felt this close to anyone, and he is leaving to go to his dream school, but it feels like he is going to be leaving his dream woman. Overcome with emotion he begins to tell her how he is feeling. “I am not done with ‘us’ when I leave here next Saturday. You know that right.”

Niecey was surprised by the sudden proclamation. “I didn’t know what happens next…but I’m glad to hear you say that. I don’t want this to be it either.” He then begins to speak again and says, “Bernice, I think I lo…” but before he can get the words out completely, she shushes him to stop him from saying it. Her heart would break knowing the first person to love her was leaving in a week and as long as he didn’t say it she could deny it. It was already bad enough she thought she was feeling the same way. They didn’t speak anymore words after that. They just laid in each other's arms until they fell asleep. Niecey silently masking the tears running out of her eyes onto her pillow.

The next morning Niecey ignores her alarm that is supposed to wake her to meet her family at church. She isn’t going to rush away from Lucas now. He has her undivided attention. They eventually get up and Niecey cleans up before they go to eat breakfast. Then they go to Lucas’ room, and he sneaks her in while he cleans up. And they decide to stay in for a while longer after he gets rid of his roommate. Then they go out to lunch and go back to her room to ‘stay in’ for a while after lunch.

Eventually Niecey’s phone begins to ring, and she knows it is her parents looking for her now that she missed church and their family dinner. After a couple of hours, she even gets a knock on the door. As they scatter to make sure they are presentable she hears Reesa from the other side of the door announcing herself as well as Marvin. Once they come in, Reesa is surprised to see Lucas in the room and gives Niecey a look that says Oh, I see what you’re doing with a smile on her face. They have briefly met Lucas one other time when they stopped on campus to bring something to Niecey so they know exactly who he is. Marvin is not one to go easy on him. “Slim, is there a reason you her dorm?” Reesa makes him stop and proceeds to tell Niecey that their mother is upset that she didn’t come home today and has been talking about coming to campus to get her that evening. She now knows she better call her before things get out of hand. When she does, she is told to be home immediately following class to celebrate her birthday on Monday. She complies and genuinely has a good time celebrating with family outside being reprimanded a few times but all she can think about is getting back on campus late Monday night to get back to Lucas. And when she finally does, she sneaks him into the dorm again and they are back at it. And that is how they are for the remainder of the week until it is time for him to leave.

That Saturday morning comes a lot faster than either Lucas or Niecey likes. They don’t want to part ways, but summer school is ending, and the summer program Lucas is in is over. His uncle comes down the night before to pick him up and is ready to leave to go back to New York soon. It is time for him and Niecey to say their goodbyes and neither of them wants to. His uncle sees that they need their privacy and leaves them alone while he sits in the car. They don't exchange many words. They just hold each other for a moment and Lucas rubs a tear from her cheek as she fails to hold back her tears. It is enough to make his eyes water, but he doesn’t let himself cry. It will only make it more difficult. They kiss one last time and he got into the car with his uncle. It starts to pull off and then stops suddenly as Lucas rolls down his window to say “I have your number right here. You have mine, right?” Niecey smiles and shakes her head yes, pulling the small piece of paper out with his home number on it to show him. They once again say goodbye and Lucas and his uncle pull off and drive off into the distance.

Later that morning Niecey’s parents arrive to pack up the few things she has in her summer dorm room to take back home. She will be moving into her permanent dorm room for the school year when the fall semester starts back up in about two weeks. For now, she will be back home with her family until school starts. That evening they don’t expect to talk to each other. Lucas is going to be back home for only two weeks after being away for nearly three months. He has a lot of catching up to do and time to spend with his family before he is gone again. Niecey understands that. Unfortunately, his mother doesn’t understand the situation with Niecey and once again goes into lecturing him about not chasing little girls when he is on the verge of making something out of his life. She refuses to allow him to even use her phone to call back to D.C. long distance to speak to Niecey. In those first couple of days back home he finds himself sneaking to talk to his siblings about it hoping his mother doesn’t hear and counts down the days before he gets to Pittsburgh where he may be able to use his dorm phone to call her. His uncle is the closest thing around he has to a father, and he tries to tell Lucas’ mother that Niecey seems like a nice girl, but it falls on deaf ears. On his second day back, his mother goes to get the dirty clothes from his room to clean and sees the piece of paper on his dresser with Niecey’s home number on it. Once she realizes what it is, she takes it and rips it up throwing it in the trash on the way to the laundromat. It is gone and he hasn’t memorized anything beyond the area code he knows from school. He is devastated but worse than that he can’t do anything but hope that she eventually calls before he leaves for school and that his mother doesn’t answer the phone.

In D.C., Niecey has been waiting to hear from Lucas for a few days and is beginning to get disappointed that she hasn’t yet. She also hasn’t been feeling good and that doesn’t help the matter at all. She tries to spend more time with her sister, who is close to finding out the gender of her baby, in an attempt to keep her mind on something other than the fact that she hasn’t heard from Lucas. She doesn’t want to call him before he calls her because she doesn’t want to impose on his family time, and she also doesn’t want to feel like she is chasing after a man. She never wants to question him, but she can’t help but have some insecurities creep in. Once a week had passes and she hasn’t heard anything from him she begins to worry that maybe something has happened to him, and she decides to call even though her sister tells her not to. She sneaks and makes a long-distance call on her parents’ phone without them knowing about it and when the phone is answered on the other side it is an older woman’s voice. It is Lucas’ mother and when she hears a young woman’s voice asking for her son, she says he isn’t home even though she is standing there looking at him as she speaks. She asks who is calling to know who it is and recognizes the name from the stories he has told his siblings and realizes he has not been listening to her warnings.

Niecey now realizes he is okay and just hasn’t taken the time to call her and it hurt. He couldn’t have been faking everything he said to her. It was too real. Has he gotten back home and had a change of heart? Did she misunderstand something? She is left with nothing but questions and no way to find the answers. As the two weeks home come to an end, she still hasn’t heard anything from Lucas and resigns herself to the fact that she may not hear from him again. She always knew that was a possibility, but she truly believed he wanted to try and make it work and now just feels lost. Lucas has no idea what she is going through in D.C. and is sick with himself over seemingly losing her home number. All he has is her old dorm room number memorized but he isn’t sure that it will still work once school starts back.

Just as Niecey starts school for her sophomore year she really starts to feel sick. She thinks she is making herself sick over Lucas but her elevated temperature, body aches, and dry heaving say otherwise. She goes through her first week of school and then rushes home to see her sister and find out the gender of her baby. She arrives at her sister’s that weekend and can’t wait to hear if she is going to have a niece or nephew. Reesa is over three months pregnant now and has been waiting to talk about names until she knows what she is having. Niecey is overjoyed to find out that it is going to be a little girl. They immediately start talking about names as Marvin excuses himself from the conversation and lets them go crazy. Reesa has one rule. She doesn’t want her daughter to have a biblical name like theirs. “There are enough people named Theresa. I want something different.” They also talk about how the first week of school was for Niecey and Reesa notices how often she has been going to the bathroom. And after they get some food and Niecey jumps up and runs to the bathroom to throw up Reesa has seen enough and starts to question her sickness, eventually coming to a more direct line of questions: How long has she been sick? How long has she been nauseous? When was her last period? When they come to the realization that it should have started that week, it put Niecey on alert. A week later she is still waiting, and begins to get scared. After she and Reesa get her a home pregnancy test the truth really begins to set in and she has no idea how she will handle the fact that she is now pregnant.

It really set in for Niecey that she is pregnant, and she knows that she has to get in contact with Lucas. She calls his home number in New York a couple of times and keeps getting shut out by his mother. She is getting desperate and doesn’t know what to do so eventually she calls and when his mother answers she blurts out, “Can you please let Lucas know that I’m pregnant!” She is hoping the shock value will prevent her from hanging up on her and have to tell him about her calling. His mother stands holding the phone in her kitchen in silence for a moment until Niecey asks, “Are you still there?” While this is going on Lucas’ uncle is sitting there. He has been sitting talking to her and now is looking at her shocked expression trying to silently ask who it is. His mother then responds, “Little girl, you need to go tell one of your other boyfriends about their child. Lucas did not get you pregnant.”

Shocked at the disrespect, Niecey knows that if she goes into anger, she may lose the only chance she has to have someone listen to her. “Ma’am, I’ve never been with anyone else. I don’t know what to do. I just need to talk to him.”

Unfortunately, for Niecey his mother is set on protecting her son. Or at least that's what she thinks she is doing. She isn’t going to allow anything to derail his bright future and she has no way of knowing if this is the truth. “Well, if you can’t find the father then there are other ways to handle it. Good Luck.” Niecey then hears the phone line go dead on the other end and she just begins to cry. Lucas’ mother hangs up the phone and immediately dials *60 blocking the number from calling her line anymore. His uncle watches the entire thing and questions his sister's actions. He says, "Sis, you wrong for that shit. That’s not your decision to make. What if it really is his?” But she is his older sister and basically raised him and wastes no time replying, “Don’t give me that shit. You know how many kids are living in this apartment. One of them is yours. And Lucas is the first one in this family with a chance to get out of this broke ass neighborhood. He might help some of us out too. He didn’t mess that up. I’m not letting him mess that up. And if you want to keep a roof over your head you won’t say a gotdamn word about it after this. End of conversation!” For a grown man currently living in his sister’s home, he doesn’t have many options, so he keeps her secret.

By this time Lucas has been at school in Pittsburgh for a few of weeks. Although he is busy trying to get acclimated to his new environment and classes, he still just wants to be able to call Niecey and share everything that has been going on with her. He has already tried her dorm phone number a couple of times with no luck. At first there is no answer and then someone answers but they have no idea who Niecey is. He is stuck with no other options and has no idea how to get back in contact with her. Just a few weeks into the semester he misses her dearly. As bad as it feels for him it is no comparison to what Niecey is going through in D.C. Her future is now in question. He misses her, but she needs him. Out of fear, she keeps it from her parents and tries to operate as if everything is normal. Only Reesa and Marvin are aware of what is going on initially. They become her support system. Reesa is going through the same thing, so she helps walk her little sister through it even though it is much harder with her only wanting to go to free clinics near campus to get checks. Reesa goes with her when she can and Marvin even tries to get her into a doctor on his insurance, passing her off as Reesa once. This plan works well enough for her to be healthy and stay on top of school until she begins to gain weight around three months and goes home for Thanksgiving.

She has mapped out in her head what she will have to do to keep her parents in the dark. A little weight gain can pass as her getting older and eating badly. Her nausea is gone so she doesn’t have to worry about that. It’s just a matter of making sure her clothes are loose and not saying anything to give it away. So, when Miriam walks into her room surprisingly when she is getting dressed after a shower, she is scared to death. She clearly has her stomach showing but she doesn’t say anything before she quickly covers herself. She hopes it means she didn’t notice but that night at dinner with her parents she is caught off guard when her father says, “So your mother seems to think you’re pregnant. Baby, I told her that is crazy because even if you are there is no way you would hide it from us. So please tell her.”

Niecey just sits across from them at the table with her eyes wide in silence until those eyes begin to water and eventually the tears begin to flow. Her father is in disbelief, and it’s written all over his face. Miriam is disappointed and shakes her head. All Miriam initially thinks about is what the people at church will say but when her daughter exclaims “I’m so scared” she jumps up and goes around the table to embrace her daughter. She just hugs her tight rocking back and forth trying the best way she knows to show her love and says to her “Baby, God has blessed you. We just have to love you.”

Niecey’s parents do everything they can to support her and let her know that God will get her through this difficult situation in her life. Her family fully supports her through all the ups and downs of the process even when the decision is made that she will not be returning to school after that semester since she expects to have the baby in late May. Her families support is unwavering, even when the people at the church start to give her side eyes and whisper once she can no longer hide her pregnancy. She tells them about the situation with Lucas not being present and they never bring it up again. They always assure her that God will make a way. She is terrified but keeps her faith intact thanks to her parents. May rolls around and her due date comes and goes. By this time, she knows she is having a boy and she knows he is going to be growing up with his cousin Tammy who was born that February. She is just ready for him to come. She has been very emotional during the nine months, and everyone just chalks it up to hormones. But she had been falling in love just as this journey began and she isn’t angry that he isn’t there. She still longs for him to be a part of it all. She has all this love meant for Lucas and nowhere to direct it. So, when her son is finally born, the first week of June, she subconsciously decides to pour all of that love into him.

When he is born, she wants a unique name unlike the one her sister had chose but she feels compelled to choose a biblical name as well. She finds one of the most obscure biblical names she has ever seen and names her son Jairus. In the bible Jairus is the father of the girl that died and Jesus rose from the dead. After he is born Niecey dedicates her life to being the best mother she can possibly be. She never wants him to feel like his life is worse because of the situation she put him in. She wants to figure out how to get back to school and still become a doctor, but it just isn’t feasible any longer. What she is able to do is captivate one of the sonogram technicians who she went to who also goes to their church. So much so that she offers to let her intern with her to get her license and become an X-ray and sonogram technician. It isn’t a doctor, and she will have to intern for a year before getting a license, but it is in her field, and she can show her son an example of perseverance and making the best of a situation. She turns that into a career.

After a year or so she gets comfortable enough to start dating again. Even in that, she makes a point to not even entertain men that she doesn’t clearly see as a good father figure for her son. She also has to get past comparing everyone to the love she lost. She eventually finds love again and he is great with Jairus. Still young, she finds herself making similar mistakes, getting pregnant for the second time to a boyfriend she is falling in love with. Only this time she won’t be in it alone. He is there and they go down to the courthouse and get married before she gives birth to her daughter Damaris, who is about five years younger than Jairus. She is married with a son and a daughter. By the time Jairus turns five she is 23, the same age as Reesa when she got pregnant with her daughter, and she feels like she is in a very similar place. That feels good to her. But the walls all come crumbling down when she discovers that her husband, Damaris’ father, is unfaithful. He strayed when she was pregnant with Damaris and has been secretly seeing someone on and off for over a year. She has no choice but to leave him and never look back. There is no way to forgive and forget that transgression. Her life becomes about her children. Their guidance. Their safety. Their successes.

Marvin steps in as a father figure for Jairus and Damaris. He loves kids and he loves Niecey like a sister. He is their uncle, it only makes sense to him. He tries to make a point to teach them the things a man should teach his children. He would be the one that eventually teaches them about death…the hard way. Having a son growing up with Jairus anyway he does everything with the boys to show them how to be men. To show them what a respectable man does. Two of those things are being protective of the ones you love and always choosing to do right. Traits Jairus carries with him the rest of his life. It will also be the reason Marvin is killed.

Coming home from work late one evening he sees a single mother he knows in the neighborhood arguing with a man in the street. He can’t help but intervene when he sees the man strike her down to the ground next to their car. He immediately jumps on the man, throwing him to the ground and repeatedly punching him as the woman screams in the background. What he doesn’t realize is that even though he is helping her that woman is screaming at him to stop, and she reaches into the car grabbing the man’s gun and shoots him twice to get him off. Marvin dies just after Tammy turns 12 while Jairus is still 11. His son Russell is almost 10 and Damaris is 7. They all now look to Papa Tom as a father figure for the rest of their childhood.

That wouldn’t be their only lessons in dealing with death, as their grandmother Miriam passes away just over a year later. Niecey’s faith is tested but remains strong through all the trials and tribulations as she teaches her children how to deal with such dire situations in life. She is experiencing most of this for the first time herself, being so young when she had them. The pain and struggle has matured her a lot. She is Bernice the mother of two now, not Niecey the bright-eyed lovestruck young woman. Still, she makes sure she doesn’t let her kids focus on the bad things. The things they can’t control. She makes sure they have a strong moral compass and know the benefit of doing what’s right no matter the outcome. She shows them true love and teaches them not to be afraid to give love despite what she has gone through. She makes sure she doesn’t let her experiences taint them and keeps them in the dark on most of her story to make sure. All that love loss she dealt with at a young age is positively redirected into building up her children. Especially being a black woman trying to raise a good black man.

By the time Jairus gets to high school and sees a friend die due to senseless violence he almost seems to compartmentalize and deal with it better than most kids his age. He is hurt but he knows how to deal with loss. He has lost close family members and has never met his father before. Pain is something he has always dealt with. He tends to be the one to help others deal with it. He is very giving of love and cares deeply. He becomes a momma’s boy and overprotective big brother. He would never leave home and leave his family the way he felt was done to him. That is why Bernice urges him to go to school somewhere away from D.C. when he ends up getting multiple scholarships to college. Just as she had when she was his age. That’s how he ends up in Atlanta. She sends him there fully confident he is ready to take on the world.

She has no way of knowing that in the winter of his junior year of college she would get a phone call that she desperately needs him to be there for. It is a lazy Sunday afternoon and Bernice’s phone rings unexpectedly. She thinks, who is calling me on a Sunday? and answers her phone to an unfamiliar voice. It is a man’s voice and he seems very hesitant to speak, which frustrates Bernice, but she tries not to be rude. “Hello. Are you there? Can I help you with something?” The person on the other end eventually speaks up and asks to speak to Niecey. She is confused because not only does this voice sound unfamiliar, but she hasn’t gone by Niecey for well over a decade. “Who is asking?” And she hears a response she never thought she would hear to that question.

“This is Lucas. She and I used to know each other in college.” He doesn’t even realize he’s talking to her yet and after twenty years and a lifetime he isn’t the first thing that comes to mind as she responds “I don’t know any Luka or Lucas. How do we know each other? I haven’t gone by Niecey in forev...” she stops her sentence in shock as if she sees a ghost. She thinks it can’t be him. After sitting in silence for a moment he breaks the silence and says,

“Bernice? Is this Bernice Thomas? I’m sorry, I assumed...We met during the summer after your freshman year at college. I was at a summer program.”