“Oh yes, hi,” she smiles at Samira before taking a seat. “I’m sorry to interrupt your lunch. I was about to call you tonight and now I might as well tell you here.” She fishes a chip from my paper plate. “Stress eating,” she explains before stuffing it in her mouth. “So, Ben is back.”

Two things happen at once at Miranda’s words: my cheeks heat up and Samira stiffens in her seat.

“She had a date with him,” Samira suddenly blurts out, making both me and Miranda snap our heads towards her. Miranda's eyes widen in surprise, whilst I shoot Samira a disapproving look

“You… you had a date with Ben?” Miranda looks stunned.

“It’s not what it sounds like. He contacted me via the app Bea set up and—”

“But you hate him! I came to give you a heads up that Sim-Sim has invited him to the wedding and you’ve been dating him all along? Amelia! Can I remind you how much he hurt you?”

I guess that’s fair. She’s right, of course she is right. However, a persistent little voice in the depths of my mind insists that this time, things might be different.

“He’s changed.” I mumble causing both Samira and Miranda to laugh. Since when are they on the same side?

“Amelia! You’re forty-one years old. When will you grow up? People don’t change.”

“Now that’s a lot of bullshit. As you just pointed out yourself, people grow up.” Ha, that’s a point for me. “Besides, we’re not dating. We went for dinner, nothing else.” Liar! Immediately my cheeks burn.

Miranda gives me a suspicious look. “So, I don’t need to worry that you’ll cause a scene at the wedding?”

“I don’t cause scenes.” I put the last word in air quotes. I am anything but a scene maker.

“What I meant is you acting like a lunatic because you’re trying to avoid him.” Oh, okay, that does sound like me.

“No. Ben and I spoke. We’re good.”

“Okay. Excellent,” Miranda grins and nibbles on another of my chips. “I have a favour to ask, though. My cousin Peter has no date. Can I put him on the table with you so he has someone to talk to?” Now it’s my turn to narrow my eyes.

“Is that a set up?”

“No!” she replies way too quickly and her tone makes me suspicious.

“It is a set up,” Samira mouths to me and grins.

“Please?” Miranda pleads.

“Fine.” I really have to learn to say no.

“Wait, why was Ben on that kink app?” Miranda sits up and leans forward.

“He’s a pleasure dom,” Samira smirks.

“I don’t know what that is,” Miranda replies.

“He puts a woman’s pleasure first.” Samira explains.

“Sounds like a pickup line to me.”

“That’s what I said,” Samira exclaims and holds out a hand for a high five. I’m not sure how much I like them becoming friends and ganging up on me.

“Okay, I need to hear more,” Miranda stares at me.

“Sorry, can’t do, we have to go back to work.” I’ve never been more eager to get back to work.

“Fine. But I really want to know the whole story. I’ll call you and we meet up for coffee.” Miranda picks up her handbag from where she placed it on the floor.

“Okay.” What else can I say?

I pull my phone from my jacket pocket as the train rolls through the outskirts of London. I have another message from Ben.

Ben

How has your day been?

He has texted me a few times and I’ve ignored all of them. Every time I have convinced myself that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing, doubt sets in again.

That phone call was something else. It’s crazy to think that I let him talk me into it but in that moment, it felt… right. It's hard to articulate, but it didn't feel odd or weird; instead I felt safe. It was like something I’d been looking for. I can’t describe the thrill it gave me to call Ben “sir”.

I have wondered if it was Ben or if it was just the submissive thing that made it feel so right for me. Truth is that I can’t imagine doing this with some stranger, some random person who I didn’t know. The fact that Ben was familiar definitely helped.

But then where is this going? I’m an analytical person. Whatever happens in my life, my brain will immediately create possible scenarios on where this could lead and all the issues that could come up. But with this situation I can’t imagine what could happen next because I have zero experience with it. It’s not a normal, everyday situation and I can’t see an end point. And that scares me. It makes me feel out of control. I can handle normal situations. You meet a guy on a date and there are two outcomes, you fall for him or not. You start a relationship or you don’t. But Ben and I know we won’t start a relationship. How can we? So, what, we are friends with kinky benefits? And what if he meets someone and has to cut me off? What if he wants kinky stuff I don’t want?

But what if it does work out this time. What if we kind of rekindle the feelings for each other again? Oh, here is my inner optimist again, painting rosy scenario of a fairy tale ending.

Argh, I’m so confused. I close my messaging app again. Until I have some clarity in my head there’s no point in texting him.

Now I just need to ignore that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That longing to hear his voice.

13

Like a Virgin

Ben

I straighten my cuffs as I weave my way through the wedding crowd. I haven't seen or spoken to Amelia since our phone sex session and I'm feeling on edge. She has ghosted my messages and I can't help but worry that it was too much too quick for her and so she’s pushed me from her life again. The call was not what I had expected, but it had me rock hard at the end and I had to wank off with her whispered "sir" still in my ears.

On my second sweep of the banquet hall I finally spot her at a table tucked away in the far corner. I'm not sure why she’s not sitting with the rest of our friends up front near the top table and a frown forms on my face. A bloke is sitting next to her, the spotlight from the ceiling reflecting of his bald head. He is persistently leaning in for an intimate chat, their faces almost brushing against each other. Without a second thought my legs guide me towards her, but just before I reach the table she utters something, rises from her chair, and strides away. It's only when she catches sight of me that she halts in her tracks, a flush of embarrassment instantly colouring her cheeks.

I grin and let my eyes travel over her body. She’s wearing a flowery dress with a frilly skirt and a low-cut top. Too low cut for my liking, given the stares that guy is giving her.

"Amelia," I greet her and gently cup her elbow to drag her further away from the table.

"Hi, Ben," she replies with an edge of hostility in her voice. Why is she angry with me again?

"You’ve been avoiding me." I lock eyes with her. I need to see the truth; I need to see if I pushed her too far.

"I… Ben, I think I made a mistake." As her gaze drops, a surge of panic floods through me. My heart races... I'm about to lose her, I can feel it.