Judicial Felicitas: I believe you are wearing the Violet Sunflower on your lapel.
Fleur Shropshire: I don’t think so, sweetie. I have a felt sunflower, and a topaz sunflower, and an opal marigold, and a gold marigold, and a mother of pearl rose, and I suppose this sunflower here looks a bit opal-ish, but, funny story…
Judicial Felicitas: The Violet Sunflower is a High Artefact. It is an extremely delicate and powerful piece of thirtieth century technology that should not be used to ornament a film star, however beloved she may be for voicing an adorable cartoon cat.
Fleur Shropshire: You know what, I think I did have a Violet Sunflower, just here. See where there’s a hole in the tweed? I suppose it must have fallen off.
Judicial Felicitas: Witness dismissed.
Judicial Felicitas: Please state your name and century of origin for the records.
Anne Boleyn: Anne Boleyn, sixteenth century.
Judicial Felicitas: Please explain why you were located in the twenty-fourth century when our operatives detained you.
Anne Boleyn: I was found guilty of high treason and executed by order of my husband, Henry VIII of England.
Judicial Felicitas: I’m so sorry to hear that, madam. It’s that kind of behaviour that led to the extinction of humanity.
Anne Boleyn: I’m not the least surprised.
Judicial Felicitas: Are you aware of the three High Artefacts that were stolen from this century by the criminals Nero, Aesop and Banksia?
Anne Boleyn: That would be the Jade Pineapple, the Basalt Sphinx, and the Violet Sunflower.
Judicial Felicitas: You know their functions?
Anne Boleyn: I believe the Basalt Sphinx is used to enhance the intelligence, communicative skills and general higher powers of cats. Including talking like humans.
Judicial Felicitas: Actually, the origins of the Higher Feline Society date back as far as the twenty-fourth century. It’s not known what evolutionary spark developed our superior powers, allowing our eventual conquest of the planet formerly run by humans.
Anne Boleyn: Cats are excellent at many things, but not record keeping, it seems.
Judicial Felicitas: Exactly!
Anne Boleyn: Who needs history? Just one more book to push off a table.
Judicial Felicitas: What was your function at Aleister College in the twenty-fourth century?
Anne Boleyn: Professor of History.
Judicial Felicitas: Fascinating. Did you personally have access to the Basalt Sphinx?
Anne Boleyn: No, Melusine from Admin kept it pretty close to her chest. She drank her morning coffee out of it.
[general hubbub in court, hissing of many cats in attendance]
Judicial Felicitas: She drank her coffee out of a High Artefact?
Anne Boleyn: It’s shaped a bit like a mug, you see.
Judicial Felicitas: And what of the Jade Pineapple?
Anne Boleyn: That one contains the secrets of time travel technology, yes? The time hoops, the postcards, all of it.
Judicial Felicitas: [hisses audibly]
Anne Boleyn: I believe Banksia stole it.
Judicial Felicitas: This trial will determine whether Banksia, Aesop and Nero stole the Jade Pineapple!
Anne Boleyn: No, I mean Banksia stole it again. This was before I came to the twenty-fourth century. She and her pet human ran off with it, and no one has seen it since. The Colleges didn’t need the Jade Pineapple to continue their work, of course, as they’d already built all the technology they needed to run the time travel program. But there were more glitches every year, and no one knew how to fix it. I imagine you have much the same issues yourselves.
Judicial Felicitas: Please do not speculate about our time travel glitches.
Anne Boleyn: It’s all been a bit of a mess. Event Space spiralling towards self-destruction. Scattered copies of travellers, running around being all homicidal and difficult. It wasn’t sustainable. We could see the writing on the wall. Not to mention your Grimalkin troops, bearing down upon us. That’s why the Anachronauts ditched all their research projects to hold parties in their favourite travel spots. We were, oh, what’s the phrase? Help me out, Nero.
Nero: Fiddling while Rome burns.
Anne Boleyn: That’s the one.
Judicial Felicitas: What of the third High Artefact? The Violet Sunflower that was until recently resting upon the tweed lapel of your colleague, Professor Shelley?
Anne Boleyn: That’s a really interesting one. The Violet Sunflower. Used to create the opal implants. Useful for communication and the like, but its true function is memory control. That’s where the real power is, isn’t it? Deciding what other people remember. Changing the past by literally rewriting memories. So convenient, in a bureaucratic society.
Judicial Felicitas: Cats have no use for bureaucracy.
