They both looked at him like he had chopped his own head off.
“Are you feeling all right?” Oxford asked after a moment.
Monterey groaned, letting his head fall back against the mint green wall. “I have a headache. I want my cat. And we might be on trial.”
“At least we’re not in Event Space any more,” ventured Fenella.
“Oh, yes,” said Monterey. “This is so much better.”
Forty-Seven
The Matter of the Jade Pineapple
Transcript from the Trial of Nero, Banksia (in absentia) and Aesop (in absentia). Location: Theatre of Justice, 2912. Broadcast live across Mewtopia. Judicial Administrator Felicitas presiding.
Judicial Felicitas: Nero, you are charged with the theft of the Jade Pineapple, the Basalt Sphinx and the Violet Sunflower. How do you plead?
Nero: Unfairly maligned.
Judicial Felicitas: That’s not one of the options.
Nero: I suppose I’ll settle for not guilty if you’re going to be boring about it.
Judicial Felicitas: Where’s Banksia, Nero?
Nero: I haven’t the least idea. She disappeared on a time hop over a decade ago with her special human. Lost in time. So tragic. Sadly missed.
Judicial Felicitas: Where’s Aesop, Nero?
Nero: I believe that information is covered by the Global Official Secrets Act.
Judicial Felicitas: that Act was overturned in the twenty-fifth century.
Nero: Interesting. Well, I don’t know. To be honest, I always assumed you lot grabbed her.
Judicial Felicitas: What can you tell us about the three High Artefacts that you and your friends stole from our government?
Nero: You’ll have to be more specific.
Judicial Felicitas: The Jade Pineapple. The Basalt Sphinx. The Violet Sunflower.
Nero: Never heard of them. They sound like the ingredients for a lovely salad. Are we done? I’m due for a nap.
Judicial Felicitas: Please state your name and century of origin for the records.
Fleur Shropshire: Since you don’t appear to have my Wikipedia entry handy… My birth name was Flora Shelley. More recently, I’ve been going by Professor Shelley in the twenty-fourth century as the Professor of Celebrity Spotting and Major Talent over at Aleister College. But, of course, for a few decades in the twentieth century I was best known by the professional name of Fleur Shropshire. You may have seen some of my films.
Judicial Felicitas: All archives of twentieth century media were erased after the extinction of humanity, except for some television shows featuring cats.
Fleur Shropshire: Oh. I did voice a rather darling cartoon cat for the Beeb…
Judicial Felicitas: Jelly and Marmite. An excellent animated television experience. I shared it with my kittens to prove to them humanity did not completely waste their years on the planet.
Fleur Shropshire: If you’d like me to sign something for your kittens… I’m sorry, did you say the extinction of humanity?
Judicial Felicitas: Yes.
Fleur Shropshire: When was that?
Judicial Felicitas: The late twenty-eighth century. Approximately two hundred years ago.
Fleur Shropshire: All humans were wiped out? What about those charming ladies you have working for you, with the bald heads and the signature blue hoods?
Judicial Felicitas: The Grimalkins are cats, using our natural shapeshifting abilities to blend in with humanity for the purposes of time travel.
Fleur Shropshire: Gosh. Are the other animals all right? You didn’t do anything to the dogs, did you?
Judicial Felicitas: The dogs were rounded up and sent to Australia. They’re fine.
Fleur Shropshire: What about the koalas?
Judge Felicitas: They’re not very happy about the dogs. May I continue?
Fleur Shropshire: Carry on, darling, don’t mind me.
