“You know. Tussle.”
“Don’t think that just because you have the desire that the aforesaid desire is necessarily right and proper in a given situation.” Again, she sounded like she was quoting.
“That’s not what the Law says.”
“It’s exactly what it says. I know. I wrote the damn Law.”
He backed away. The fur in her tail bristled. Sensibel was dangerously fragile.
“The whole point of having the Law is to teach raccoons that they need to anticipate the consequences of their acts.”
“If we don’t move on soon, there isn’t going to be a consequence.”
“Okay, I’ll go quicker. Question One. Ensure that your prospective partner isn’t carrying a disease. (Hint: it’s a good idea to check her/his/their/desired pronoun/gums.) Are you carrying a disease, Bandit?” Sensibel tilted her head in a questioning manner.
“No.”
“What happened to your fleas?”
“They all jumped with one accord onto Meatbreath when we were fighting.”
“Okay. No diseases: check.”
“Aren’t I supposed to ask you the same question?”
“A Pond lady never has a disease. Next question. Oh, here is where we come to Specific Acts. Parties contemplating a Conjunctive Relationship, however brief, must consent beforehand to each act of a conjoining nature that is contemplated or which might be reasonably be expected to occur during the Bonding Process. Then there are a number of specified Acts, each requiring explicit consent. Are you ready? May I have your consent to smell your anal glands?” Sensibella paused. “I’m thinking maybe we should go through the entire list first and then check them off.”
“Totally! Get it over with.”
“May I lick your muzzle all over?”
“May I roll on the soil you have lain on?”
“May I give you love bites on your ruff?”
Where did she get this stuff from? Off the Net? No, probably from her sisters. What had she told him long ago in the willow tree? “Never underestimate the sexual imagination of four sisters.” Then he remembered Frisk biting him mischievously on the ear that same day. Was that a love bite? Or was it simply Frisk being Frisk?
“Will you consent to snuggle up in a cherry tree while it is blossoming?”
“You can’t use the Law to give people nice ideas.”
“Why not? We use the Law to stop people from having bad ideas. I just thought I’d throw in something special for partners to try. The law is so boringly solemn.”
“Sensibel?”
“Yes, love?”
“You said partners.”
“So?”
“Define partners.”
“I didn’t put it in the Law because everybody knows what partners means. It takes two to tango.”
“Partners plural means having more than one partner.”
“Oh shit!”
“You should have thought of that when you put in the consent situation about having your tail lovingly braided by many nimble hands in a catalpa tree under a full moon.”
“I have to revise the fucking Law.”
“Maybe nobody will notice,” Bandit said.
“I’ll proceed to the end quickly. Do you consent to play-fighting? Check. Do you consent to playing rough? Check. Do you …”
Bandit was beginning to grin.
“Bandit, good heavens, your tongue is hanging out obscenely. You look like a Drooler.”
He pulled his tongue back in his mouth. It was wet. Yes, he’d been panting. The atmosphere in the tower was feeling urgent. “Skip to the end,” he said. The mighty dust-covered bells were sweating. At any moment they were going to break out in desirous bongs.
The last clause. She recited it breathlessly. “Do you consent that each situational agreement entered into heretofore will apply equally to repeated acts of the particular nature, (a) during the duration of the intended coupling? (b) during any and all subsequent couplings?”
“ Check! check! check! check! All done. Let’s get started.”
“Oh, I really do want to give it a try. You’re a good raccoon, Bandy, and you’re a safe person to explore the conjugal act with. But we have to go through the consent protocols properly, or else we’ll be back to the days of Meatbreath dropping out of the sky on Aunt Slypaws.”
