“What’s going on?” I ask.
“We were talking about the crypto meeting, as you so eloquently put it,” Dan answers.
“Are you coming?” I ask Rebecca.
“That’s what we are trying to figure out,” she answers. “One of us needs to stay here. I think it should be Dan due to the whole, his leg is broken and he’s a hot mess thing. And he thinks it should be me due to the whole, he’s the boss thing.”
“Both good arguments,” I say.
“Yeah,” Dan says. “But since I’m the boss, I’ll make the final decision.”
“Can we get Dr. Guilder’s take?” I ask. “I mean, you don’t want to risk re-injuring yourself.”
Dan laughs at me. “That is rich coming from you, Sydney. I’ve never known you to care about the health and well-being of yourself.”
I don’t answer, the truth of it feels a little raw. Why don’t I take care of myself? My hand rises to my belly. And if I can’t even look after my own body, how am I going to look after a baby?
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Dr. Guilder looks up from her computer screen and smiles. “Hello,” she says, her eyes flicking back to her monitor. “Did we have an appointment?”
“No,” I admit. “But can I make one?”
“I have some time now,” she says, standing and coming around the desk. “Come on in.” She leads me through to the same exam room. Blue’s nose taps my hip as we follow.
I climb back on the padded table and she takes her spot on the stool. Blue sits on the floor next to me, his head even with my knee. “What can I do for you?” Dr. Guilder asks.
“I’m not sure,” I admit, a little flustered now that I’m here. It seemed like a good idea after I left the cafeteria. Talk to a doctor…that makes sense. But what do I want to ask?
“It’s very normal for first-time parents to be a little lost,” Dr. Guilder says, her blue eyes shining with kindness. “Especially with your lifestyle. I’m sure you’re wondering how this will change things.”
“Yes,” I say, releasing a long exhale. “I’m afraid I won’t know what to do.”
“You won’t,” Dr. Guilder says, her voice upbeat. “But you also will.” She shrugs. “Every baby is different, and they don’t come with manuals. I can’t tell you the details of how your life will change, but I can advise that you create space for massive shifts.”
“How do I do that?” I ask, grateful she’s getting to the root of my problems.
“You’re going to need help. All mothers do. You’ll want to be somewhere you feel safe.” She pauses, her eyes holding mine. “Have you decided where to have the baby yet?”
I shake my head. “It feels like…” I trail off, fear choking off the rest of the sentence.
“If you make that decision then this will all be real.” I blink at her on point response. She smiles at me. “It’s normal, Sydney. Everything you’re going through—it’s all normal. And maybe that’s why it feels so very strange to you. You’re not used to being normal, are you?” I shake my head again, my voice locked in my chest with my heart, which is hammering like a freaking maniac. “I understand. Often the things we are most afraid of—once we face them, they turn out not to be so bad.”
“I’m used to facing scary things,” I say. “Just not ones like this.”
“No, taking on responsibility for another human life is a big deal.”
“I’ve been responsible for lives before,” I say, my voice low and a little scary, the predator-protector in me rising to the surface.
“Not like this,” Dr. Guilder says.
I nod. I’ve saved countless lives and taken countless others. I can’t even remember all of them. I’m sure their mothers mourned them, though. I stole other people’s children’s lives—they were all adults and deserved it, but still, I cut their lives short. And now I’m bringing my own child into this cruel world. My vision starts to spot. What the fuck is going to happen?
“Sydney.” Dr. Guilder is suddenly at my side, her hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?” I can’t answer. “You need to breathe, Sydney.”
Blue’s head lands heavy on my knee and he shifts his weight against my leg, grounding me, pulling me back from the brink. I take in a stuttering breath. The tear of velcro sounds and then Dr. Guilder wraps my bicep in a blood pressure cuff. Her face is grave as she pumps it.
I focus on Blue instead, laying my hand on his head. He closes his eyes as I pet him. “I don’t like how high your blood pressure is today,” Dr. Guilder says, ripping off the cuff. “It wasn’t like this when you came in before.”
“I’ve been through a lot since then,” I say with a smile.
Dr. Guilder’s face is pinched when she sits back down on her stool. “Sydney, I get the sense that telling you what to do may have the opposite effect.” I don’t respond. This woman may be a little psychic. “But I want to be clear about something. While you are young and healthy, stress is dangerous for you and this baby. I understand you don’t want to give up your life—no woman does. But when you’re pregnant, you have to change the way you do things, at least a little. Or else it can have dire consequences for you and your baby.”
Blue raises his head and looks at me, his mismatched eyes filled with adoration I don’t deserve but so deeply need. “I’m fine,” I mumble in the most pathetic attempt ever to avoid having this conversation and facing this reality.
“You are not fine—your blood pressure is too high and it wasn’t just a few days ago. You could be in danger of preeclampsia, which is life-threatening. If I prescribe you medication, will you take it?”
“Yes,” I nod.
“Good.” She turns to the computer on her desk. “And I want to see you again in a few days. I really think,” she turns to look at me, “that if you make a decision about where you’re having this baby, you’ll feel better. You just had a mild panic attack, Sydney. That is not good for you or the baby.” Her gaze falls to Blue. “It’s a good thing he was here.”
“He’s always by my side,” I say. “That’s one thing you can count on.”
“Dogs are not immortal, Sydney.”
“This one is,” I say. She looks at me funny but doesn’t respond. I smile down at Blue. He won’t ever leave me. That is one thing I know for sure. Everything else though…
