“Yeah, because it was horrendous. And everyone including me lets her because what difference does it make? Who needs to think about it anymore?”
I stare down at the water circling down the drain at my feet. I’m sure Barrett would agree. She sees stuff like this all the time, and she’s said as much about me. So maybe I was right, reminding Hildy of something she doesn’t think even happened probably wasn’t the best idea.
I glance over my shoulder at Bowen and nod in acknowledgement.
“Anything else?” he murmurs in my ear.
My cheeks tense as I crack a smile, “You ever had anyone chained up in Jay’s barn?” I can’t even say it without breaking into a laugh.
Bowen lets out a chuckle into my back, “No,” he shakes his head, “but…”
I whip my head around, “But, what?”
Bowen gives a shrug, “Jay does like to watch.”
“What?” I shriek, “Watch who? You?”
“Not recently,” Bowen laughs, “it was a long time ago. Shit was a lot different back then. I didn’t give a fuck about a lot of things I do now.”
“Apparently,” I roll my eyes and decide to leave it at that.
I lean forward, further this time, and let the water wash over my face and over my hair to rinse the rest of the conditioner out. Bowen stands up behind me and, once I’m ready, grasps me under the arms and gently lifts me to stand. I don’t even bother tossing and scrunching my hair like normal, I just want to dry off and get into bed. And when I let my marred and exhausted body fall onto the mattress, it feels just as good as I expected.
Bowen stretches one arm beneath my neck and wraps his other arm around my torso, pressing my back to his chest, “You give good apologies,” he murmurs into the back of my neck.
A silent laugh escapes on my breath, “That’s a relief.” It makes me feel better, even if he doesn’t know how much.
“I know you didn’t ask to relive Hildy’s repressed memories or deal with her defective best friend. But you’re my life now, baby girl. And if you give me all of you, I promise you’ll get all of me.”
I run my hand up and down his arm, from his elbow down to his calloused hand resting halfway down the front of my shorts. I believe him, but I know it’ll take time to forget Hildy nearly bursting into tears at her husband’s birthday and not feel anything but irritation whenever Hannah comes around.
But it’s worth it, right?
“Four,” I murmur into Bowen’s bicep.
“Four what?” he replies.
“Four babies…” I smile to myself in the darkness, “whether Jay watches or not.” I let out a snort, still unable to keep a straight face about that nonsense.
He’s still for a few moments and then envelopes me in his arms, “He can help me build more rooms onto this house,” he kisses my shoulder, “but you’re for my eyes only.”
Bowen is a beautiful trainwreck that appeared out of thin air, who embodies both stability and chaos. Maybe it doesn’t matter that I don’t know what he’s thinking at any given time—as if he knows what bizarre peculiarities live in my head.
As I’m about to drift off, his voice stirs me once more, “I promise I’ll get you more pajamas, too,” he whispers into the back of my neck.
Breathing into his arm, I hear Barrett’s voice in my head—again. But now she’s saying something different, repeating one phrase over and over again.
He’s a better version of Colson…
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Brett
Present
“It’s really a form of torture,” Judy draws up her knee in her chair, “but nobody sees it that way because it just seems like rude behavior. The patterns are so subtle that they can be extremely difficult to recognize. You’re the only one who really can, but you’re also being totally brainwashed in the process to the point you can’t trust your own mind anyway.”
Suddenly, Barrett’s voice echoes in my head—who’s going to believe you?
No one, that’s who. Not after he was done driving me insane and making everyone think the same. I had no best friend, no family in the same country, and everyone else poisoned by lies and deceit.
“I didn’t see it then,” I pause, smiling to myself as I recall, “but my boyfriend was the only one who never treated me like I was crazy. I mean, besides Barrett, but…” I trail off, not wanting to even think about the mess with her.
Judy smiles and gives a slow nod, “The one who’s still here,” she murmurs, “who stood with you through everything.”
“Yeah,” my smile fades, “and even after all that, I still feel like I’m not here. I still feel like I’m trapped in that room, with a monster breathing down my neck, and I don’t know how to get out. I should be happy. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything should be perfect, but it’s not. Because I’m here, but I’m not here.” My breathing gets heavier and my eyes begin to well, “And it’s not fucking fair!”
Judy gazes at me for a few moments, her eyes sparkling. That’s what she always looks like when she’s getting ideas.
Finally, she clasps her hands at her chin, “I haven’t forgotten what you said about looking past the fear.” She narrows her eyes with a determined nod, “We need to get you out of that room. And there’s something I want to try with you at our next session. When it comes down to it, it could save your life.”
●●●
There’s a Thai place about a mile from the Toyota dealership that has the best Pad See Ew on the planet. Or, at the very least, in the state. I haven’t been to every Thai restaurant in the state, but it’s the best I’ve had since I moved here. And I really like Pad See Ew.
“This place is amazing!” Valerie mumbles through a mouthful of pineapple curry, “How’d you find it?”
“My boyfriend,” I reply, swirling a few noodles around my chopsticks and securing them by pinching a cube of tofu. I’m pretty good with chopsticks, but noodles are tough. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can eat at a steady pace and not take an hour because I’m so slow. “He was born around here, and this is the first place he took me for an actual date.”
