‘That’s not what I’m saying. You’ve just… thrown me a little. I don’t understand what it is you’re hoping to get from this.’
He stares at her. What the hell was he thinking? That she would welcome him with open arms? Perhaps tell him how ecstatic she is to see him before dragging him up to her bed?
What is the point of his being here?
‘I’m missing you,’ he says. ‘I’ve been missing you for a long time.’
She remains silent for an age, as though his words have bowled into her thoughts and knocked them for six. And then she says, ‘I’m not sure what you want me to say to that.’
Which really isn’t helpful, thinks Cody. Toss this starving dog a bone, at least. Let me know I’m not wasting my breath.
‘You could tell me you’re missing me too. We haven’t spoken since Christmas.’
‘And whose fault is that?’
He wants to tell her that, in his humble opinion, it’s her fault. When he phoned her at Christmas, she made it painfully clear that not only did she not want to exchange presents, she didn’t even want to arrange to meet up for a festive drink.
‘Do you still care about me?’ he asks.
‘I should probably be the one asking that question.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Cody, when you were reported as a missing person in February, I was constantly on the phone to the police. I was frantic with worry. Nobody knew where you were or what had happened to you. We all feared the worst. And what did you do when you escaped and got back home? Did you bother to call me, to let me know you were safe?’
‘I… I didn’t know you’d gone through that. I didn’t know you’d been informed.’
‘Cody, it was a missing persons inquiry. And not just any person. You’re a police officer. Of course they came to me. You know very well that’s what they’d do.’
She’s right, of course: it would be standard procedure. The truth is, he hadn’t thought it through. Hadn’t considered that she would be brought into it. And yet he’d thought so much about Devon when he was tied up in that house, waiting to die. He’d even said his goodbyes to her.
That was then, but what about afterwards? Why had he not contacted her at that point?
Because, he thinks, I was afraid. Scared that I’d find out that she wasn’t that bothered about life without me in it.
‘They asked me about your state of mind,’ Devon says.
‘Who?’
‘The Missing Persons cops. They’d dug into your background, of course, and they wanted to know if what you went through might have explained your disappearance.’
‘What did you tell them?’
‘I was torn, Cody. Part of me was desperate to tell them the truth about you, in case it helped them to find you. I kept picturing you standing there with a rope around your neck or sitting in a car with a hosepipe connected to the exhaust. I wondered if telling them about your psychiatric problems might help them to narrow down the search. But at the same time, I knew beyond any doubt that you wouldn’t want me to tell them your big secret. I knew you were worried that it might lead to the end of your career, and your career was always so precious to you.’
He wonders if there is a slight dig there about his job being of more value than his fiancée, but he decides not to rise to it.
‘So what did you choose?’
‘I lied. God help me, but I lied. I told them yes, you had gone through a terrible ordeal, but you’d made a remarkable recovery and were fully compos mentis. I did that for you, Cody, because I knew it’s what you would have wanted me to do. So please don’t ask me if I care about you. Caring about you has ripped me apart.’
He notices her lip is quivering, her eyes glistening.
‘Thank you.’
She nods. ‘So have you?’
‘Have I what?’
‘Made a full recovery.’
‘I had an assessment recently by a psychologist. She issued me a clean bill of health.’
‘That’s not what I asked.’
She knows me too well, he thinks. The psychologist’s report means nothing, especially given the way it was obtained. Cody still wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming and lashing out. Devon became the victim of one of those outbursts. Can he honestly claim it could never happen again?
‘I’m better than I was,’ he says.
She nods again, seemingly grateful for his honesty. And then she leans forward in her chair and lowers her voice and puts the central question yet again.
‘Cody, why have you come here?’
He wants her back. More than anything. He likes to think that he is well enough now for it to work. But can he risk it?
And even if he could be sure of his own behaviour, that’s not the real issue, is it? The problem is Waldo, who is still out there and who undoubtedly intends to make his presence felt again. Does he really want Devon close to him when that happens? How much more of a risk to her safety is that?
‘I came to ask…’ he begins.
