I’m so sorry I did what I did. Only a saint wouldn’t hate me now, but I hope you’ll at least find the goodness to read my short letter to the end.
I was contacted recently by a Mr. Kawasaki, of Kawasaki & Suzuki Law in Kanazawa. I couldn’t believe he was able to find me, for until then no one had. He said you asked him to start divorce proceedings and wanted to know if I would cooperate to make it go smoothly or if I intended to fight it. I told him I haven’t decided. I think it’s better if you and I meet first. You have every right to be angry with me, but please understand that I’m probably more fragile than you are now. Part of it is the result of learning belatedly of my father’s death. I always knew something like that could happen, but I didn’t expect it to before I came back from this period of needing to be on my own.
Also, I find myself in a bit of trouble these days. It has nothing to do with you, but rather with where I’ve been and some people who the police there said viewed me as an easy target. I know it’s asking a lot, but I would feel more settled trying to reconnect with those I left behind without the pressure of explaining.
I don’t know where you’re living now, but because I expect you’re still in contact with my brother, I’ve sent this letter in care of him. I’m including a separate note to him, asking that he relay this to you. I’ll be in touch with you again soon, after returning to Ishikawa. Even if you’ve decided I can’t be forgiven, I hope you’ll suspend your judgment of me until after we meet—if you’ll be so good as to see me when I’m back.
Nozomi
A thrill coursed through him that confused him at first—the sort of boyish excitement of learning that a beautiful girl has reciprocated one’s obsession with her. But he realized that his feeling was more complicated. He was relieved to know Nozomi was all right, and beneath that was the hope that her return might allow him to put his life back in order, initially by hurrying their divorce, and perhaps even by having the money she’d taken returned to him. A more convincing apology might be nice, too, but it was the least of his concerns.
His anger at her began percolating inside him again, and he wondered if Mariko would ever be capable of doing to him what Nozomi had.
18
Mariko returned home in time to meet Riku at the bus stop down the street, something she rarely did. To Sedge’s dismay, she didn’t enter the house first to greet him but waited in the small bus shelter for Riku to arrive. Out the kitchen window, as Sedge marinated fish and cut vegetables to make dinner, he watched them walk home together, neither of them talking.
He guessed what was on her mind after she’d overheard Takahashi talk about Nozomi. He expected her to doubt him now—his constancy if nothing else—even though she had admitted the possibility of taking her husband back one day.
Riku entered first and disappeared inside the bathroom. Mariko grabbed the small broom she kept in the genkan and stepped back outside to sweep in front of the house, though Sedge had recently done it himself. He walked to the genkan to welcome her home.
“I’m sorry you had to be there for my talk with Takahashi. At the time, I know, it was awkward. But on reflection I’m glad you were there. I hope you believed what I said and feel reassured.”
“I guess you’ll have to meet her when she comes back. Your wife, I mean.”
Sedge didn’t answer. All afternoon he’d been thinking about Nozomi’s proposal to meet and wasn’t sure what he’d do when the time came to see her. He’d come so far since meeting Mariko.
Riku emerged from the bathroom and asked Sedge, “Are you making dinner? The house smells like miso.”
“I just stir-fried some eggplant and ginger with miso, shiso leaf, and sake. I thought I’d do my part for once and make dinner tonight.”
“Thank you for doing that,” Mariko said, stepping back inside and laying the broom against the wall. “I’m not feeling all that well.”
“There’s a kid at school who was talking about fasting. He says it helps build muscle and sharpens your mind, even though you’re starving your body. I thought I might try it sometime.”
“Is that your way of saying you don’t trust my cooking?” Sedge said.
Riku laughed.
“I won’t let you do it,” Mariko said. “Not while you’re living with me, anyway. You’re still growing. It’s absurd to think you don’t need to eat.”
“I live in the kura now,” he said. “I can do whatever I like.”
“If that’s what you think, you can pay rent and half our bills, too.”
“What about Sedge?”
“Sedge, too.”
“If we both pay half, you’ll be doing really well.”
“You’re right. I wonder why I’m working in a ryokan when I’d clearly be more successful as a businesswoman.”
Riku laughed again and, saying he had no money to pay her anything, left through the front door. After he stomped across the gravel in the walkway beside the house, it was quiet again where they stood.
“I was horrified to be there this afternoon,” she said.
“I know you were. I’m sure he planned it with that in mind.”
“When you left, he told me we reflect badly on the ryokan. But aren’t we just a scapegoat for it not doing as well as he’d like? There are rumors that the ryokan’s in financial trouble and Yuki wants to cut back staff. I’ll probably be the first to go if it happens. Lately Takahashi and Yuki disapprove of everything I do. But they only became that way when you started teaching me.”
Sedge was sorry to hear about all of this. “Takahashi said he knew nothing about your husband. He seemed to be telling the truth.”
“I’ve heard nothing myself. Who knows where he is or what he’s doing.”
They stood awkwardly in the genkan. “Does Takahashi often go to the tea lounge now?” Sedge asked.
“Since you left, he comes every day.”
Sedge checked his anger. “I made tea. Come have some.”
She shook her head. “I’m going to lie down upstairs. Can you call me when dinner is ready?”
An hour later Riku came back and announced that he was hungry. Sedge had set the table and was nearly finished making dinner, so he asked Riku to call Mariko to join them. From the bottom of the stairs Riku shouted to her.
“Why don’t you go up and tell her instead of breaking everyone’s eardrums like that? She’s not feeling well, you know.”
Riku answered him seriously. “Because she told me I wasn’t to come upstairs anymore. Now that I’ve moved out, I’m not to go up to your rooms. I have no choice but to shout.”
