And she shut the door behind her.
Chapter Nine
Perdie whapped her vintage Louis Vuitton briefcase onto the kitchen table and kicked her heels off as she made her way to the fridge. She bent over in search of something sticky or salty or sweet or any combination of those things. Ravenous. Ah yes, this glass container of salted caramel topping will do. She shoved the spoon in her mouth, caramel sticking to the roof.
Footsteps neared from above, and Lucille’s very off-tune rendition of Clairo’s “Pretty Girl” echoed in the staircase.
Lucille halted at the bottom of the steps, Bananas trailing at her feet. She spied Perdie in the middle of the kitchen.
Perdie shrugged, spoon in mouth. “Wha?”
“You had sex,” Lucille gasped, her voice loud. She yanked out her earbuds and scuttled over to Perdie, Bananas’s nails clicking on the hardwood behind her. “Wait a minute, but with whom?” She tapped a finger to her chin and circled Perdie’s body, eyeing her suspiciously. Perdie pulled the sticky spoon from her mouth, chewing on the caramel. “Did you have sex with Frank because he gave you a promotion? You know you’re not supposed to do that, right? He doesn’t pay you enough. Jill worked as a dominatrix in college and she made way more money than you.”
Perdie swallowed hard and let out a sigh. “I didn’t get the promotion, Luce.”
Lucille’s mouth dropped. “What? But your thing with the settlement, and all those hours you bill, and what about how they promoted Bill Wagner last year and he’d never even argued a motion in front of a judge before.”
Perdie frowned. “Wow, do I talk about work that much?”
Lucille nodded. “Yeah, and that’s how I know how shitty this is.” She opened her arms and stalked into Perdie, squishing the sticky jar between them, Perdie’s body stiffening in the embrace. “I hate those legal fuckers. You want me to put poison ivy in their offices? I can send it in a mixed bouquet.”
“I thought that settlement was going to see me to the next level but turns out it still wasn’t enough. It never feels like anything I do is enough. They wanted someone who could bring in big business. How am I supposed to bring in big business if I’m not a partner?”
Lucille rested her head on Perdie’s shoulder, rocking them back and forth together. “Remember I used to help you study during law school and it all seemed so impossible because you could barely keep your eyes opened? You figured out a way then. You’ll figure out a way this time too.”
“If by study you mean steal Adderall for me, then yes. But thanks.” Perdie extracted herself from Lucille’s embrace. “You’ve always supported me the best.”
“I know.” Lucille placed her hands on Perdie’s shoulders. “I don’t have any Adderall, but I have edibles. We could brainstorm a new plan?”
Perdie, Lucille, and a snoring Bananas sprawled on the overstuffed leather couch together in the open space of the living room. Large feathered throw pillows piled between them and the biggest bowl of cheese popcorn rested on Lucille’s lap.
Lucille shoved a fistful of popcorn into her mouth, the errant kernels tumbling down her Solange nightshirt. “Okay, okay, okay. Here’s what you should do.” She chewed loudly and pointed a wobbly finger at Perdie. “Quit the firm, burn the building to the ground, walk away like Angela Bassett in How Stella Got Her Groove Back, and work at the flower shop with me. I’d give you a million promotions, and I’d only ogle you a little bit.” She tilted her head. “You do have great tits though, so it’s not like it would be my fault.”
Perdie had changed into flannel pants and a tank top before she and Lucille each consumed a weed gummy. They’d considered splitting one until Lucille insisted that the only feminist choice was for each of them to take a full dose. “It’s what Susan B. Anthony would’ve wanted,” she’d said as they unwrapped jumbo gummy bears from individual plastic packages. “Although, contextually speaking, Susan B. Anthony was pretty problematic.”
Perdie pulled at the topknot on her head, snuggling deeper under the faux-fur blanket with Bananas tucked into her armpit.
“I can’t quit the law.” Perdie stroked the soft, smushed folds of Bananas’s face, marveling at how many silver furs had infiltrated the canvas of his once all-black muzzle.
“Why not?”
Perdie sighed. “Because I’m good at it.” Bananas inhaled a loud snore in agreement. “Plus a fuckton of student loan debt. I gotta keep you in Solange shirts somehow.”
Lucille nodded. “When she’s right, she’s right. Next idea.” She tapped the top of her head. “You could sleep with Frank in exchange for partnership. Fuck your way to the top.”
Perdie huffed, warranting a glare from Bananas. “Gross. He’s a total misogynist.”
“Ah-ha. So, it wasn’t Frank you had sex with. Are you going to tell me who it was? I know you did something with someone, Perdita Stone. I haven’t been your best friend for twenty years for nothing.” She coughed after shoving too much popcorn in her mouth.
A vision of Carter Leplan kneeling between her legs and stroking himself off with her red silk panties flashed before her eyes, making her stomach flip. She didn’t want to cry right now, and she really didn’t want to tell Lucille.
Lucille’s snapping fingers appeared before her eyes. “Hello, hello, Ground Control to Major Tom.”
Perdie shook her head, but before she could say anything a peal of maniacal giggles escaped her. Damn edibles. She started wheezing in between giggles before answering Lucille. The words came out in a jumble. “I let Carter Leplan go down on me on a table in a private conference room after finding out they hired him on as a partner instead of promoting me.” She blinked up at Lucille.
Lucille gulped her popcorn, eyes wide. But then puffs of laughter escaped. “Hold the front fucking door, what?” She started laughing too, until the two of them were both giggling on a couch together.
When their laughter died down, Lucille caught her breath. “How? How?”
Perdie waved a hand. “Doesn’t matter. But he’s at Joy and Schulz now, virtually my boss, and I am fuuuuuuuuucked. In so, so many ways.”
Lucille shoved her hand into her silky black hair. “That’s so much worse than I thought.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey. Light bulb.” Lucille pointed her index finger in the air. “Brilliant idea by Lucille, you’re welcome. Call up that Noah guy? He seemed to like you. Wasn’t that the plan to get over Carter anyway?”
“Wasn’t exactly sparks between the two of us. But he could have a potential case for Joy and Schulz.”
“Holy shit, you didn’t tell me that. What are you waiting for?”
“He has my card. He hasn’t reached out. Don’t want to be pushy about it.” Perdie shifted under her blanket. “These kinds of things require finesse. Professionalism.” Forget the fact that she’d passed out drunk on his couch.
“Are you kidding? Time is of the essence. You’ve gotta take the bull by the horns. Take the snake by the rattle. The balls by the dick—wait, no...maybe not that last one. Anyway, what’ve you got to lose? You’re already pretty much rock bottom.”
Perdie chuckled. “You have such a delicate way with words.”
Lucille peered beneath long, dark lashes. “Besides, I thought he was kinda sexy.”
