Jules: Then how come you don’t know what it’s like to have sex . . . like as the way you are?
Mack: It’s a long story, Jules.
Jules: What, you have other friends to talk about it with? Tell me.
There’s a pause. I nibble on my lip while I wait for the next message.
Mack: I wasn’t always this way.
Jules: What way were you?
Mack: That picture I sent you. The first one that’s hung up on the wall. That wasn’t a catfish. That was me, or maybe still is me, who really knows. But that was me a few years ago. Before I became what I am now.
My heart sinks in my chest. What does he mean? Does he mean . . . he transformed into a fish?
Then my mind spins because if that’s true, then that could mean other things are true. Like . . . FishKiller1234. They walk among us.
Although, Mack doesn’t seem to do any walking. Instead, he has a tank. A tank he lives in.
Jules: You used to be human.
Mack: I guess so. I don’t know if I’d even take it that far. I think I always felt a little different. Like maybe I didn’t fit in. I used to worry about things other people didn’t. And then one day, those worries started to come true.
Jules: What do you mean by worries?
But then there’s another long pause.
Mack: I don’t think I can talk anymore tonight. I’ve had a long day.
Jules: But I worry too! Maybe we have the same worries? Worrying is a totally normal human thing though!
I’m frantically tapping away at my screen for some reason. What is he talking about? What are these proverbial worries? Are they the same worries I have day in and day out? The nightmares. The dreams. Whatever you want to call them. The emptiness.
But it’s too late. He’s gone radio silent.
The conversation lasted as long as it took to fill up the tub. With my toes, I push the knob down and halt the stream of water.
Now, I’m just sitting here. Alone. In this bathtub.
Normally, I’d be thirsty from all the salt I dumped in with me. But instead, I feel filled up.
I flick the little skin tag on my arm back and forth and back and forth, thinking about Mack.
First, I think about the picture he sent me. Of the attractive man with green eyes and blond hair.
And then I think about his form now. Most people would describe it as creepy. As worthy of a horror film.
I search my brain and scan my body, what my old therapist taught me to do in challenging emotional situations. What do I feel when I think about Mack? What do I see? Where is it in my body?
The truth is, I’m not sure.
But despite all this, my hand begins to trail down my belly.
In my other hand, I’m holding my phone, our messages still sitting there. I want to will him to keep typing, but I know he won’t. He’s done. Maybe forever.
But that doesn’t stop my hand from exploring farther. Lower and lower until I’ve reached the blonde pubic hair, the little triangle patch at the top of my pelvis, and my fingers search for that familiar little nub at the center of my body.
I haven’t masturbated in . . . a long, long time. When I do, my mind is usually blank. Thinking of nothing at all. Not of a man or a woman. Like I said, looks don’t really do it for me. It has to be something else, something I rarely find in anyone.
But my mind is floating toward visions of Mack. I can’t even really see him in my mind, but I can feel him, his energy, his voice—that voice—his messages. I open my eyes and read them, and my fingers are circling my clit now. The little bursts of energy are electrical and spherical in nature. The feeling builds and builds and builds, and my hand is working faster than before.
Any thoughts about what I’m doing are quickly pushed out of my consciousness. I don’t have time to question why I’m turned on right now, but I am. I’m leaning into it instead. Until the wave of pleasure begins to wash up from my clit toward my belly, growing and growing in strength. My hearing goes fuzzy . . . like a seashell against my ear. The ebb and flow and crash and receding of each wave of water.
And then, my eyes shut.
***
Chapter 10
FishKiller1234 has taken over the forums.
It’s been a few days since I’ve checked them, but the pump in my aquarium has broken, and I need advice on a new one. And yeah, I know that nothing lives in my tank. I know that! I do.
But maybe if I just create the perfect environment, something can or will survive—or already is surviving—in there. Maybe I just can’t see it yet.
My aquarium is my own multiverse. I chuckle at the thought.
Also, I make my second ever post on the forums. This is new for me.
