Seth follows Storm’s lead, coming to stand at my other side. He glances down at my plate for a moment before helping himself to a piece of bacon, which he munches while making direct eye contact with me. I shoot him a glare, although I suppose I can share the other breakfast that Mum brought over earlier. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Killian had already brought me food. She seemed calmer in general today, and hugged me when she arrived, but I know we have a long way to go to get back to normal. It will take some getting used to the fact that our relationship isn’t what I originally thought it was, and I wouldn’t be surprised if our relationship changed a little as a result. But that’s all right, though; I want normal to be different this time around. I want us to be able to talk about Maria and the rest of the family we lost, to be free to share things with each other without the fear of damaging our relationship. And speaking of the new normal...
I eye Kit sitting on top of the fridge, where he has made himself a new little home, it seems. I don’t know why under the bed is no longer the cool place and the top of the fridge is, but it sure makes it easier to feed the little arsehole. He bit my toe this morning for no reason as I got milk out of the tiny fridge, and when I demanded why, he just looked at me so sweetly before showing me his new home above the fridge. I will never understand goblins.
“The first game is today,” Storm says, pulling my attention back to the guys. Just that one sentence is enough to make my stomach drop, and suddenly the relaxation I was feeling all morning melts away.
“Already?” asks Killian, straightening up on his stool.
Storm nods grimly. “I knew they would want to launch into it fast, but I didn’t expect them to start this quickly. I guess it’s in their best interests to keep us on our toes, but still…” He shakes his head, scowling.
“Okay,” I say, trying to sound reassuring - although whether that’s meant for the others or for myself, I have no idea. “Okay, that’s all right. We still have time to prepare though, right? When is it supposed to start?”
“They have summoned everyone to the new arena in half an hour,” Storm explains to me, and I suddenly lose all my appetite I just had. Fuck. So much for preparation - I had expected to have at least a day or two to get ready and plan some way of winning before being plunged into the tournament. This is way too soon. I’m still reeling from the truth about Maria, and now they expect me to go out there and compete?
But I guess they won’t care about that, will they? They are immortal gods, and they’re used to getting what they want. It figures that they would also apparently act like impatient children. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m suddenly scared shiteless, though - we don’t even know what these “games” are going to be. I feel woefully unprepared, and I’d be willing to bet everyone else is thinking the same thing I am right now: we’re fucked.
“We didn’t get a chance to practice my new powers,” I say, not liking the dismay in my voice but unable to help it. “What if they want me to fight?” The question isn’t directed to anyone in particular, and I can feel a wave of panic threatening to crash down on me. I will myself to breathe normally, but it doesn’t work - my heart is suddenly pounding out of my chest as I glance between the others - the others, whose lives could be on the line if I mess this up. Did it get hot in here all of a sudden?
Seth frowns for a moment, and then his eyes go wide with realisation. “Hang on a second,” he says, undoing the belt on his hip under his suit.
“Not sure how that’s going to help right now, brother,” Killian mutters.
Seth shoots him a look. “Get your mind out of the gutter. I just remembered I have these,” he says, pulling the twin daggers Peyton gave me out of the holsters where he’s strapped them down. So much has happened since he took them away that I damn near forgot all about them. He glances down at the daggers before looking back up at me, and I see a flicker of concern in his eyes - which he struggles to hide behind a businesslike expression. I feel longing and worry coming off of him, and something passes between the two of us. “They are magical, right?” he asks softly, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound this nervous before.
He’s worried about me, I realise with a start. They all are.
I clear my throat. “Yes. If I throw them, they always hit their target,” I explain as I accept the belt from him, and I run my fingers over one of the daggers, appreciating the feeling of having it in my hand again. “Pey gave them to me so I could fight you guys, but you got me first.”
“Okay,” Storm says, putting his hands on his hips. “Okay, that’s a start. If you don’t have to aim them, then make them your first line of defense.”
“And my powers?” I ask hesitantly, not sure if I really even want to know what I’m capable of.
Storm’s expression darkens. “Powers like ours come at a cost, Karma,” he warns me, and I furrow my brow.
“What do you mean?” I ask, thinking back to the time in the prison when I unleashed them. I had never felt anything like that before.
“How do you think the higher gods ended up so corrupt and power hungry?” Storm asks me, pulling up a free stool and sitting down. “Higher gods’ powers are seductive,” he warns me. If you take too much power into yourself, you run the risk of losing your humanity and sense of reality. And even if you don’t, you have to remember that our powers are connected to our emotions. They have the ability to amplify our personalities and desires. If you’re not careful about your reasons for using them, you could end up wiping out every part of your soul that is good.”
“Is that what happened to the others?” I ask quietly.
“They were cruel and cold before they took advantage of their powers, but yes,” Storm replies, looking tense. “Any redeemability was lost when they gave themselves over to their abilities. That’s why you need to try not to use your new powers if you have to, Karma. You might think you can control them now, but that kind of thinking is what leads you to becoming like them. Do you understand?”
I nod slowly, swallowing the lump in my throat. I suppose I should have guessed that there was a caveat to using these kinds of abilities, but I don’t know what I was expecting… Letting out a long sigh, I step back out of my seat, running a hand through my hair and chewing my lip as I consider what Storm said. The problem isn’t that the higher gods’ powers made them evil; the problem is that they were evil before their powers corrupted them. If they were cold and cruel from the beginning, then that means half of me is the same as them, doesn’t it? My father was one of them - maybe the most evil one of the lot of them. What if there’s a part of me that is like him, like the higher gods? Somewhere, deep down, could I be just as petty, power-hungry, and bloodthirsty as they are?
I want to think all my personality has come from my mother and the parents who brought me up. But what if I take too much power? Will I become like they are - heartless gods who rule with no emotion? What kind of destruction could I be capable of?
The idea is suddenly too much for me, and I can’t bear the thought of looking at the others right now. “I guess I’ll go get ready then,” I say, and before any of them can say a word, I turn around and walk back to my room. I just need to be away from their knowing looks and the fear they are feeling. I can almost sense it, like it is coming off of them in waves. I don’t even know if they know it, but I could see it in their eyes: they’re wondering the same thing that I am. They’re afraid of what I could become - of what these powers could turn me into.
I turn before I reach my room and hurry into the bathroom, quickly closing the door behind me and sagging against it like I’ve just run a hundred miles. I find myself gasping for air, sucking in deep breaths as if all the oxygen has gone from the world. I clamp my eyes shut, afraid of what I’ll see if I look in the mirror.
It’s as I’m struggling to get a hold of my emotions that the door behind me is slowly pushed open, and I stagger a couple of steps back. I’m surprised to see Seth standing in the doorway, his golden eyes wide with concern as he takes in the sight of me. “Get out,” I tell him, not meeting his eyes. “Please. I can’t… I don’t know if…” I trail off, putting a hand against the wall to brace myself as if one wrong move will send me falling to the floor.
Seth doesn’t say anything. Instead, he takes me by the hand, pushes me to sit on the toilet, and kneels in front of me, taking my hands in his. “I’m not going anywhere,” he tells me, and I’m in too much of a state to argue with him. Instead I just focus on the feeling of his hands as I look into his bright, thoughtful eyes. “You’re having a panic attack, Karma,” he says slowly. “I used to get them a lot as a kid.”
I raise my eyebrows a little at that. “You got panic attacks? I find that hard to believe.”
“Well, believe it,” Seth tells me, his expression serious. “I was always the small one, and no matter how hard Killian tried to protect me, the other schoolboys would beat the crap out of me whenever he wasn’t looking. So every time the school bell went for lunchtime, my heart would beat so fast I would think it was ending my life, and it felt like no matter how much I breathed in air, I wasn’t getting any oxygen.” He breaks eye contact, glancing away from me, and I realise with a start that he’s blushing a little. I’m surprised he’s admitting this to me, and not just because it’s clear that these are painful memories; my relationship with Seth has run hot and cold at best, and only recently have we started to become close. He’s colder and more closed off than Killian, and I never would have imagined him coming clean about upsetting times from his childhood.
Seth clears his throat before continuing. “Anyway, I ended up spending more and more time in the nurse’s office, which helped me escape the playground for a little while, at least.”
“W-what did you do?” I ask, eyes going wide.
“Eventually it would stop,” he explains, “and I would calm down. It was only in the aftermath that I remembered I was still alive, that I was okay, and that I could sit still until the bell went off for the next lesson. It wasn’t a great way to spend my recesses, but it was better than thinking I was going to die.”
“Please say you got revenge on those boys when you got your god powers,” I say, because that is something I would do. He smirks, turning his head to the side... and feckin’ hell, it makes him look more sexy. Have I ever looked at Seth this way before? I know that he looks like Killian, but there are subtle differences that I’m only appreciating now. I focus on Seth’s lips, the dimples the smirk has caused, and his bright eyes, which are like pools of liquid gold, even in the dim light of the bathroom.
He gives me a crooked smile. “Maybe I just need a karma goddess to help me get karma,” he replies, though I have a sneaky suspicion that Seth did get revenge and doesn’t want to tell me. He’s too much of a goody-two-shoes. Nice to know some things don’t change.
“Then you’re out of luck,” I tell him, and I can feel my face fall. “I’m not just a karma goddess anymore. I’m a half monster instead,” I say, and once again it becomes harder to breathe. Why is it that whenever things are starting to look up for me, some other horrible revelation hits me and sends me back to square one?
“Listen to me, Karma,” Seth firmly tells me, placing his hands on the sides of my face, and lifting my head so I have to meet his gold eyes. They almost glow, and the gold swirls around like a beautifully painted picture that you never want to look away from. “My father was a monster. A cold bastard who left a poor human woman to give birth to twins and raise them all by herself. When my human mother died, he knew - and he still left us to be brought up in foster care.”
“Seth…” I say quietly, “I had no idea.”
“And do you know why?” he asks. “It’s because, in spite of all the horrible things he did, I am not like my father. Neither is Killian. Not one part of our souls are like his. And if we can get by without turning into our father, then that means so can you.”
“How do you know?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
Seth strokes my cheek, and I lean into his touch, allowing my eyes to flutter shut for a moment. “Karma,” he says, “I know you. You are kind, and sweet... and way too annoying to be evil.”
