“Glad to hear it,” Hen lied, hoping he would not have to hear any more.
“Who was it?” Kass asked.
“His name is Leandro,” Kajja reported, craning her neck to look around. “I don’t see him. He’s just a year older than me and so good-looking.”
“A real pretty-boy; her taste is like her brother’s, apparently,” Lyla said with a smirk.
Piret elbowed her and muttered something but Kass laughed out loud. “Good taste, then.”
“We should go, if we’re done here,” Hen suggested. His leathers weren’t bothering him yet, but he had a feeling he was going to be pissing crooked for the rest of the day, and chafing might become evident in an hour or two.
Kajja made a face. “Oh, can’t we stay, I just met Silja and Maris?”
“Just one drink, Hen.” Kass clapped him on the shoulder, then slid into the seat next to Kajja. “Tell me all about him.”
“Well, he was born in the Tavern District, and his family owns a—”
Hen went to the other end of the table to sit next to Silja, who’d been a few years behind him and Piret at the Academy. He was glad Kajja had the opportunity to safely and comfortably explore sex before being thrown in with a man she’d never met. But that didn’t mean he wanted to hear all about it.
He had too much on his mind to focus, anyhow.
*
“So, Jak told you what we talked about?” Kass finally said as he was pulling on his nightshirt some hours later. “I heard the start of the conversation and meant to listen in, but I really did fall asleep.” His head emerged from the neck-hole, rumpled and shaggy.
Hen moved to help him smooth out the oversized garment without even thinking. “He did. You never said you were worried about me.”
“Of course I am,” Kass replied, scrunching up his nose and side-eying him.
“You have enough to think about without worrying about me. I’ll be fine.”
“I know you will.” Kass sniffed, still clearly offended. “But I’d rather you be good than fine. And Jak could do it for you.”
“Jak doesn’t need to spend his life hidden away up here in the High City, being neglected by a soldier who’s always working.”
“You don’t need to spend your life always working when there’s someone perfectly willing to live it with you,” Kass said pointedly.
“It’s—it’s a very kind offer, from Jak. And very thoughtful of you. Which is just why I should’ve expected it, because that’s how you are, and I—I know that and respect it. It’s one of my favorite things about you,” Hen explained.
“But…?” Kass prompted, crawling into bed.
Hen took a deep breath, then came to sit beside Kass on the bed, still in his underwear. “Kaspar. We’ve always known we’d part ways, physically, at least, before we were both 21. We’ve always known things wouldn’t be like this forever.”
“They’ll be better,” Kass said, like a promise, taking Hen’s hand.
“I know. I know that.” But not the same way he knew that Kass was his world. Kass was his life, both waking and dreaming, and it was impossible to remember a time before Hendrik had known that in his very bones. “But it’s hard for me to imagine, right now.”
“What is? That I’ll be a god?”
“No, not that, exactly.” Hen forced himself to think about things he would rather not, just for the moment, because he needed to make sure Kass understood. Nothing else mattered. “That’s always been easy to imagine. I imagine it every day. Especially when you’re naked.”
Kass laughed and squeezed Hen’s hand.
“But to imagine that my life continues in this same, mundane world, without you in it?” Hen shook his head, eyes burning for the second time that day. “I don’t understand it.”
Kass opened his mouth.
“I know. Please don’t tell me you’ll be with me; I know. I’m sure the priests and masters will help me find my spiritual relationship with you when the physical one is past.” He chuckled, but it felt dry, brittle almost.
Kass frowned. “You have to believe it, Hendrik. I feel it, I feel it more every day.”
“You’re ready,” Hen whispered.
Kass nodded.
“I will be, too,” Hen lied.
Kass squeezed his hand. “Coming to bed?”
Hen nodded and scooted back toward the wall. Kass followed, and they burrowed under the duvet and wrapped arms and legs up together neatly, fitting into each other like two halves of the same whole. Just like Piret had said.
“Okay if I just hold you, tonight?” Kass asked.
“If I want to be able to piss at all tomorrow, yes,” Hen said with a faint smile.
Kass laughed and snuggled closer, so his head rested on Hen’s chest. After a few moments of silence, just their breath in the dark, Kass said, “I’ll always be with you, Hen. I swear it.”
Hen lifted his head to kiss the top of Kass’s. Then he settled back in, wondering when he stopped believing in everything he’d known since the tender age of five.
