Dagan longed for his feather pillow…and yet, she looked so sweet and hopeful, all wide-eyed and morning-bright. “Let me put on pants,” he said. “Come and sit—have some tea?”
“No, thank you.” She sat on the little lounge by the window, hands folded in her lap, the picture of patience.
As quickly as possible, Dagan retreated, pulled on clean leathers, and tucked in his shirt, lamenting that he hadn’t time to take a bath first, too. Oh well, he’d just have to wash this shirt with his road clothes. Quickly, he undid his hair and combed it, then re-braided it over his shoulder neatly. Not too bad, he supposed, for someone who’d had three hours of sleep and a hangover.
Mina at his side, he swept out into the black walnut grove that gave the conservancy its name, its main crop, though plenty of other nuts, fruits, and vegetables grew wild and cultivated all over. His family had minded this grove for as long as anyone remembered, and one of his siblings would take it over when his parents decided to retire in a decade or so. As they passed beneath certain trees, Dagan reached out to run his fingers over their bark in greeting, murmuring prayers to the forest gods under his breath.
“You really did miss it, didn’t you?” Mina asked.
Dagan nodded. “I always do. I always will, I think.”
“But you’re determined to go?”
“It’s either that or waste all that training I worked so hard on.” He chuckled.
Mina was quiet for a moment, shadows passing over her pensive expression as they wandered beneath the trees. “I just can’t picture you being out there alone for moons at a time,” she finally said. “It doesn’t feel like you.”
“Oh?” Dagan pretended he had no idea what she could mean, though more than one person had said as much to him. Even members of his own family had thought it a mismatch, for Dagan to take up a lonely profession like scouting.
“You’re just the center of social life, especially for everyone our age.” She took his arm and leaned on it.
He covered her hand with his and squeezed her arm. “Oh, you were all in your cups last night long before I wandered into the settlement.”
She made a face. “Maybe, but it didn’t get really fun until you came.”
He preened a little, because how could he not? “Flattery will get you everywhere, darling. But come on, that’s about the settlement and the winery crowd. You said you can’t picture me out there alone. Why not?”
“‘Seems like you’re never alone,” she said with a shrug.
Dagan frowned. He hated to bring down a conversation, but he had to admit, “That doesn’t mean I never want to be.”
“I just don’t know who you’d be without an audience, I guess.” Mina laughed. “You’d be wasted.”
No, he wouldn’t. When
he was in the forest, on the trail, with no audience but the forest
gods, no one expected anything of him. And, unlike humans, Dagan
didn’t mind what the forest gods thought of him, whether they liked
him, whether they wanted him to behave a certain way or do a
certain thing. They just were, and he just was, and it was so, so
peaceful.
“How can I be wasted on myself?” Dagan asked with a little smile. “I want to serve the conservancy and the Heart Wood, but I also want the chance to feel something like peace. Lifecasting is so much easier out there, away from the distractions of the settlement. It’s such a strong connection, Mina, I could never feel alone.”
Mina nodded thoughtfully. “I hope it brings you all the peace in the world, Dagan.”
“Thank you, darling. That’s touching.” It was also a little bit touching that she didn’t question him further. He’d tensed up a little, waiting for it: You want peace? Never!
He’d built the trap for himself by playing the fun party boy during his wild teenage years. And now he finally had a way of escaping it, it was exasperating, having to explain himself over and over. It was nice to be accepted instead of questioned. Very nice, indeed.
They wandered for a few moments in companionable silence. Then she glanced at him, and he sensed something else. He asked, “Yes?”
“It’s been a while. Since we had a good roll in the blankets.”
Yes, now she mentioned it, it had been a while. He grinned, trying not to preen again. “You are going to miss me, aren’t you?”
“A little. Maybe.” She smiled and glanced at him sideways, then looked down quickly.
That…was not what he’d expected. Perhaps a grin and a hand in his, pulling him deep into the privacy of the grove for a stolen moment. Perhaps an invitation to share a room at the winery tonight to remind her what there was to miss. Maybe even a quick kiss and a wink to tease him, test him, and get him thinking about her now he was home for a week or so. Any of those, he would’ve known how to react to. This, on the other hand, was new. “Are you alright, Mina? Really?”
“Me? Yes, I’m fine!” She smiled and met his gaze again. “Your stories last night just reminded me that you’ll be gone as often as you’ll be here, now. At least as often. And I don’t know that I’ll like it.”
He frowned. Normally, this would be where he’d make a flirtatious joke. Instead, he was honest. “You’ll hardly notice.”
“You know I will,” she said quietly.
Suddenly, he realized his mistake. “Mina…” He stopped walking and pulled his arm out of hers but kept her hand. “What are you trying to say?”
She flushed, her brown skin going dark pink at the cheeks and ears. Beautiful. Tempting, even in other circumstances. “I’m ready. I’m ready to settle down, to start a family of my own. I’ve been ready for over a year, probably, and I’m getting restless. I just thought…” She sighed.
“Oh, sweetheart.” He squeezed her hand, stomach tying itself into knots. “I’m not surprised. You’re a beautiful little creature of garden and home, and you’ll make an excellent parent for a horde of beautiful little babies.”
“But?” she prompted, a little smile tugging at her lips.
“But I won’t. I can barely take care of myself, and I’m about to be handed the massive responsibility that comes with scouting for real and true.” He shook his head. “I’d make an absent parent, at best. You deserve better.”
Her eyes widened, almost pleading. “But I wouldn’t mind.”
She would, though—as most self-respecting partners would. And anyhow, “You don’t love me.”
“I know I could, though.”
Dagan’s instinct was to laugh, but she was being so sincere, and his stomach was so knotted up, that he managed to bite it back. “You’d hate me for being gone. Within a year, you’d find someone better suited to family life, and he’d take my place and raise my baby and you’d resent me forever.”
If he sounded certain, it was because he’d seen it happen. One of his elder brothers, Amory, was in the exact situation with his partner. She wasn’t a scout, but a trader, and he saw her maybe once a moon if he was lucky. It was hellish on them both. So even if it wasn’t common sense, and even if his training hadn’t taught him that family life was hard on a scout, he’d still be hesitant.
