āNo. No. But thereās a difference between just passing time and . . .ā
āAnd staying. And committing. And actually trying. Is that what you mean?ā
āI . . .ā I what? Am speechless? Confused? Scared? I donāt know what to say, or what he wants. Weāre friends. Good friends. Who have sex. Who were always going to go their separate waysālike everyone does. āLevi, this was
never meant to . . . Iām just trying to be honest.ā
āHonest.ā He lets out a noiseless, bitter laugh; stares at the hummingbird feeder, his tongue roaming the inside of his cheek. āHonesty. You want some honesty?ā
āYes. I just want to be as honest as possibleāā
āHereās the honesty: Iām in love with you. But thatās not news. Not to me, and not to you, I donāt think. Not if youāre honest with yourselfāwhich you say you are, right?ā My eyes widen. He powers on, ruthless, merciless. Levi Ward: force of nature. Sucking the air out of my lungs. āHereās something else thatās honest: youāre in love with me, too.ā
āLevi.ā I shake my head, panic licking up my spine. āIāā
āBut youāre scared. Youāre scared shitless, and I donāt blame you. Tim was a piece of shit and I want to cut off his balls. Your best friend acted supremely selfishly when you needed her the most. Your parents died when you were a child, and then your extended familyāI donāt know, maybe they tried their best, but they completely fucked up at giving you the sense of stability you needed. Your sister, whom you clearly adore, is constantly
gone, and donāt think I donāt see the way you obsessively check your phone when she doesnāt reply to your texts for longer than ten minutes. And I get it. Why wouldnāt you be afraid that sheāll be taken away from you? Everyone else was. Every single person youāve cared about has disappeared from your life, one way or another.ā I donāt know how he manages to look so angry, so calm, so compassionate at the same time. āI understand.
I can be patient. Iāve tried, will try to be patient. But I need . . . something. I need you to understand that this is not a book youāre writing. Weāre notā
not two characters you can keep apart because it makes for a literary ending. These are our lives, Bee.ā
Thereās a tear sliding down my neck. Another, a wet splotch against my collarbone. I screw my eyes shut. āWhen we went to the conference? And I saw Tim?ā He nods. āIt was upsetting. Very. But after a while I realized that I didnāt really feel anything for him, not anymore, and it was . . . nice. Thatās what I want, you know? I want nice.ā Iāve had so little of it. I was always, always being left behind. And the only way to not be left behind is to leave first. I wipe my cheek with the back of my hand, sniffling. āIf nice means being alone, then . . . so be it.ā
āI can give you nice. I can give you better than nice. I can give you everything.ā He smiles at me, full of hope. āYou donāt even have to admit to yourself that you love me, Bee. God knows I love you enough for the both of us. But I need you to stay. I need you to stick around. Not in Houston, if you donāt want to. Iāll follow you, if you ask me to. Butāā
āAnd when you get tired of me?ā Iām a wet, trembling mess. āWhen you canāt be around anymore? When you meet someone else?ā
āI wonāt,ā he says, and I hate how sure, how resigned he sounds.
āYou donāt know that. You canāt know that. Youāā
āThere hasnāt been anyone else.ā His jaw tenses and works. āSince the first moment I saw you. Since the first moment I talked to you and made an ass of myself, there hasnāt been anyone else.ā
Does heā He doesnāt mean it. He canāt mean that.
āYes,ā he says ardently, reading my mind. āIn all the ways youāre imagining. If youāre going to decide, you should have the facts. I know youāre scaredādo you think
Iām not scared?ā
āNot the way I amāā
āI spent yearsāyearsāhoping to find another who could measure up.
Hoping to feel somethingāanythingāfor someone else. And now youāre here, andāI have had you, Bee. I know how it can be. You think I donāt know what it feels like, to want something so much youāre afraid to let yourself take it? Even when itās in front of you? Do you think Iām not fucking scared?ā
He exhales, running a hand through his hair. āBee. You want to belong. You want someone who wonāt let go. Iām it. I didnāt let go of you for years, and I didnāt even have you. But you need to let me.ā
Itās difficult, looking at him. Because my eyes are blurry. Because he leaves me nothing to hide behind. Because it reminds me of the past few weeks together. Elbows brushing in the kitchen. Cat puns. Fights over what music to put on in the carāand then talking over it anyway. Kisses on the forehead when Iām still asleep. Little bites on my breasts, my hips, my neck, all over me. The smell of hummingbird mint, right before sunset. Laughing because we made a six-year-old laugh. His wrong opinions on Star Wars. The way he holds me through the night. The way he holds me when I need him.
I think of the past few weeks with him. Of a lifetime without him. Of what it would do to me, to have even more and then lose all of it. I think of everything Iāve made myself give up. Of the cats I wonāt allow myself to adopt. Of the gut-wrenching work that goes into mending a broken heart.
Levi cups my face, forehead touching mine. His handsā they are my home. āBee. Donāt take this from us,ā he
murmurs. Ragged. Careful. Hopeful. āPlease.ā
Iāve never wanted anything more than to say yes. Iāve never wished to reach for something as I do now. And Iāve never been so utterly, petrifyingly scared to lose something.
I make myself look at Levi. My voice shakes, and I say,
āIām sorry. I just . . . I canāt.ā
He closes his eyes, staving off a violent wave of something. But after a while he nods. He just nods, without saying anything. A simple, quick movement. Then he lets go of me, puts his hand in his pocket, takes something out, and sets it on the table. The loud click echoes through the room. āThis is for you.ā
My heart gives a hard thud. āWhat is it?ā
He gives me a small, pained smile. My stomach twists harder. āJust something else to be scared about.ā
I stare at the door long after he is gone. Long after I canāt hear his steps anymore. Long after the noise of his truckās engine pulls out of the parking lot. Long after Iāve exhausted my tears, and long after my cheeks dry. I stare at the door, thinking that in just two days Iāve lost everything I care about, all over again.
Maybe bad things do come in threes after all.
24
RIGHT TEMPORAL LOBE: AHA!
MIGHT BE A bit late in the game to pull my mad-scientist origin story out of its holster, but Iām sitting in the dark, staring at a less-than-flattering reflection of my splotchy face in the balcony doors, the purple of my hair nearly brownāa trick of the light. Someone just ransacked my pockets and stole my most important belongings, and that someone is me. Iām feeling very Dr. Marie SkÅodowskaCurie, circa 1911, and I guess itās self-disclosure oāclock.
Originally, I wanted to be a poet. Like my mom. Iād write little sonnets about all sorts of stuff: the rain, pretty birds, the mess Reike made in the kitchen when she tried to bake a cherry pie, kittens playing with yarnāthe works. Then we turned ten, and we moved for the fourth time in five years, this time to a mid-sized French town at the border with Germany, where my fatherās eldest brother had a construction business. He was kind. His wife was kind, if strict. His kids, in their late teens, were kind. The town was kind.
My sisterās best friend, Ines, was kind. There was lots of kindness going around.
A couple of weeks after moving, I wrote my first poem about loneliness.
Frankly, it was embarrassingly bad. Ten-year-old Bee was an emo princess of darkness. Iād quote the most dramatic verses here, but then Iād have to kill myself and everyone who read them. Still, at the time I fancied myself the next Emily Dickinson, and I showed the poem to one of my teachers (full-body cringe intensifies). She zeroed in on the first line, which would roughly translate from French to āSometimes, when Iām alone, I feel my brain shrink,ā and told me, āThatās what really happens. Did you know that?ā I hadnāt. But in the early 2000s the internet was already a thing, and by the end of the day, when Reike came home from an afternoon at Inesās place, I knew a lot about The Lonely Brain.
It doesnāt shrink, but it withers a little. Loneliness is not abstract and intangibleāmetaphors about desert islands and mismatched shoes, Edward Hopperās characters staring at windows, Fiona Appleās entire discography.
Loneliness is here. It molds our souls, but also our bodies. Right inferior temporal gyri, posterior cingulates, temporoparietal junctions, retrosplenial cortices, dorsal raphe. Lonely peopleās brains are shaped differently. And I just want mine to . . . not be. I want a healthy, plump, symmetrical cerebrum.
I want it to work diligently, impeccably, like the extraordinary machine itās supposed to be. I want it to do as itās told.
Spoiler alert: my stupid brain doesnāt. It never did. Not when I was ten.
Not when I was twenty. Not eight years later, even though Iāve tried my best to train it not to expect anything of me. If aloneās the baseline, it shouldnāt