Epilogue
My Heart’s Unexpected truth
In one of your relationships over the years, you may have experienced a period of time when nearly every word, glance, or incident—no matter how seemingly minor—turned into an argument, hurt feeling, or hang-up. Maybe there was an underlying current of tension in all your interactions with that person, and although you may have gotten along at one time, little between you felt relaxed or loving anymore.
Several years ago, that situation existed among Lolly, Jenna, and me for a few months. The problem wasn’t that we weren’t committed to connecting with our heart, it was that we weren’t actually listening to what our hearts were saying. For many of us, the heart’s intuitive pings can be challenging to hear and even more challenging to heed; this is especially the case if our heart’s messages are different from the conventions or expectations that we or society have put on ourselves. At the same time, if we don’t live by our heart’s truth, no matter how uncomfortable (or new) the messages may be at first, we may stay stuck in dysfunctional relationship cycles or be unable to relieve tension or resolve conflict with others. Though I knew all of that on an intellectual level, it took one memorable morning with Jenna before I truly understood it in a real way.
Jenna was the first person to join Lolly and me on our team at The Holistic Psychologist. If you read How to Do the Work, you may remember the story: The day we launched Self Healers Circle, our site’s external server crashed, overwhelmed by the number of people trying to enroll in it. Lolly and I, eager to help those who wanted to join our community, spiraled into a panic as we tried to keep all the plates spinning. That was when Jenna, a long-time member of the community, followed her heart’s intuitive ping and messaged to say that she saw and shared the same vision and was there to help. We read her message only seconds after she sent it, which was notable—and, as it would turn out, synchronistic—in a community of millions.
We talked by phone, and it became clear that Jenna shared our values, vision, and healing journey. She offered a professional partnership that Lolly and I didn’t realize could be possible, and the three of us worked together virtually for several months before Jenna flew from California to Philadelphia, where Lolly and I were living at the time, to finally meet in person.
Very quickly, Jenna established herself as an essential member of our team, bringing communication and leadership that complemented the strengths Lolly and I had, enabling each of us to focus on specific areas of our fast-growing business. Our professional relationship blossomed swiftly and synergistically, and we became fast friends as well.
A few months after Jenna joined us, Lolly and I moved to Los Angeles, a transition that we had been considering for some time after feeling more aligned with both the weather and the opportunities offered there. Jenna, who had also relocated from the East Coast to California years before, moved to an apartment in Venice Beach within walking distance of our new place, and we continued to work closely together, now in person.
For the first year, the three of us worked smoothly and collaboratively as a team. On most days, Jenna would make the short walk to our apartment in the morning and we’d all have coffee together; then we’d work until lunch, eat together, and continue to work, often late into the night. As more people from around the world joined our Self Healing movement, Jenna, Lolly, and I started spending even more time together, our “office” hours blurring into later nights, earlier mornings, dinners, and weekends together.
Pretty soon, the three of us had weekly rituals, like Taco Tuesday and Farmer’s Market Friday, when we’d shop for produce and flowers in the open-air mall steps away from our front door. We started celebrating milestones together as a team, like when How to Do the Work hit the number one spot on the New York Times best-seller list and our membership community expanded to new reach around the world. We even began to celebrate birthdays and holidays together.
Over time, however, tension, irritability, and insecurity began to creep into our relationship, slowly and insidiously at first, like oil settling on water. We started arguing about small things, including silly stuff like someone forgetting to pick up an extra item at the grocery store or someone not using one specific word in a text. Though Jenna spent much of her time with us, she still had her own apartment a few blocks away. She’d often get sad at night after we finished work, wanting to be home but also not wanting to leave us. Lolly and I also felt conflicted, wanting her to stay but also unsure what to do with the sadness and guilt we’d sometimes feel after she did leave. The three of us began to cut one another off, act passive-aggressively, and take things personally. The more time we spent together, the more the tension grew and thickened, becoming so heavy that it felt palpable.
With care and compassion for one another, we realized that we were struggling to communicate as a team, both personally and professionally. All three of us were committed and willing to have difficult conversations, but no amount of loving confrontation or mature dialogue seemed to change the dynamics among us.
Then, one Friday morning, Jenna stopped by our apartment bright and early, around 6:00 a.m., and asked if she could talk to us each privately. She was on her way to see a friend in town for coffee at the farmer’s market before Lolly and I were to meet them for our usual Friday-midmorning ritual.
The apartment that Lolly and I shared was fairly small, so Jenna and I found a quiet space in the back bedroom and closed the door. I sat on the bed and faced her as she sat across from me, making eye contact and taking a deep breath. I could tell she needed to share something that was weighing on her heart and mind: her face was flushed as she looked at me, choosing the words to speak. Seeing that she was on the verge of sharing something that appeared difficult to say, I gazed calmly at her. I intentionally connected to my heart while holding space, sitting in silence, and giving her the time to say whatever she wanted or needed to.
Jenna took a deep breath, put a hand on her heart, and began by acknowledging the escalating tension among us. She said she’d been spending time looking inward, connecting to her heart, and exploring her role in the rising tension, which was true to her character: Jenna has spent most her life intuitively and intentionally dropping into her heart, listening to its truth, and following its guidance. She also said that the work we were teaching in Self Healers Circle that month—a course on Courageous Authenticity, which is about speaking and living by your heart’s wisdom—had been inspired by her recent realization of her own heart’s truth.
Courageously speaking from her heart, Jenna shared that she loved both Lolly and me as more than just friends or colleagues. She had romantic feelings for both of us, and although she had no idea how I’d feel or whether we’d be open to exploring a different kind of loving relationship with her, she wanted to honor her heart and explore its truth. She suggested that we take as much time as we needed to figure out how we felt and that no matter what each of our heart’s said, she was committed to continuing our work together. If her feelings weren’t reciprocated or an expanded relationship dynamic wasn’t meant to be, she would accept that, and we could create boundaries moving forward to better define our professional relationship.
As I watched Jenna and listened to her speak, my heart began to race. A mix of nervousness and excitement flooded my body. At the same time, I felt a huge sense of relief, even though I couldn’t discern whether it was relief for me, relief for Jenna, or relief for all three of us. What was clear to me at the time, though, was that Jenna had just identified the unspoken basis of our underlying conflict.
Still sitting on the bed, I didn’t say anything to Jenna other than to thank her from my heart for sharing. I knew I needed time to process what she had told me before I responded; I also knew she wanted me to drop into and connect with my own heart’s truth before I did. She smiled lovingly, and we hugged before she left to meet her friend, which gave me the opportunity to take a moment to process our conversation. It also gave Lolly and me a chance to explore our individual responses to what Jenna had shared.
Lolly and I decided to go for a walk to a nearby coffee shop. Because Jenna had also spoken alone with Lolly, I didn’t have to update her on what had happened. Instead, we looked at each other and each asked how the other felt. Our conversation didn’t last long: We discovered quickly that we were both open to and curious about what Jenna had shared and were also willing to step into that curiosity. I knew that Lolly had always seen and wanted the best in and for me, and I felt the same way about her, helping us make a decision to grant that exploratory freedom to each other.
Looking back on the situation now, both Lolly and I can see the different ways in which we each ignored our heart’s intuitive pings. I would feel a tightness in my heart when Jenna talked about dating other people, or Lolly would roll her eyes when Jenna mentioned seeing an ex, each of which was our own way of suppressing or overlooking our heart’s messages. That morning, it became apparent to both of us that we hadn’t been living by our heart’s truth and that all three of us actually felt the same pull toward a possibility of expanded love. And although I didn’t have an example of what a nonconventional relationship could look like, my heart was urging me to follow its pings. At that point in my journey, I knew I had to listen.
After Lolly and I left the coffee shop, we met Jenna and her friend at the farmer’s market. We didn’t say anything about what had just occurred; instead, we all wanted to take the time and space to reintegrate with one another without the pressure of communicating or talking about a decision. So we strolled, chatting and taking in the kaleidoscope of colors and aromas that filled the market, including those of fresh orchids, lilies, ripe melons, and peaches the color of a California sunset. To me that morning, the farmer’s market seemed even more vibrant, more beautiful, more alive, effusive with the scent of fresh citrus, the abundance of freshly cut flowers, and the sense of expanded joy and restored harmony in the two most meaningful relationships in my life.
Jenna’s decision to speak her heart’s truth that Friday morning forever changed the dynamics among the three of us. The mutual tension, arguments, passive-aggressive comments, and hurt feelings dissipated almost immediately as our communication became more honest, efficient, and effortless. We became not just romantic partners but also better friends and even more productive colleagues. Emotionally, we evolved into a more fulfilling love that has allowed each of us to both honor and be valued for being who we are, as we grew our relationship and love together as a whole. I remain forever grateful to Jenna for her courageous authenticity and her ability to honor and to speak her heart’s truth because her honesty allowed me to access my own.
In my whole life, I never thought that this would be where I’d land—in this expanded relationship—yet here I am. It surprised me, and I imagine part of you may feel surprised, too. And, please know, I am by no means suggesting that this is the path for you or your relationships.
I continue to share my journey with you to illustrate the toll that disconnection from your heart can take. And to show the power of connecting with and acting from your heart. Your heart will, of course, offer different whispers: a new home, a new city, or a new career or no career at all, as varied as we are as human beings. As I hope you know realize, your heart’s messages are worth taking the time to hear, interpret, and heed. They are your own source of deeper guidance. Your heart is speaking to you right now, and its wisdom is limitless. The question is: Are you willing to listen?
Your human heart is incredibly powerful and capable of love in so many different and unique ways. Each of you has a heart that holds an infinite capacity for love, however that love looks for you.
To all of your hearts reading these words right now: You already are the love you seek.
Acknowledgments
As with anything I ever create, I want to express my infinite gratitude for every one of you who felt inspired to pick up or share my work. It is as we become open and curious to each other’s ideas and perspectives that we are given the opportunity to see ourselves and the world around us more clearly.
While I can’t possibly name everyone who’s impacted me thus far on my journey, I’m grateful for all the relationships that have or will crossed my path and allowed me to expand my own ability to know and love myself so that I may continue learn how to better know and love another.
To our global community of Self Healers, thank you all for helping to support my own journey toward authentic Self-expression in this world. It is through my interactions with each of you that I see so much of myself and, as a result, feel less alone.
To my family, especially my dad and sister, who continue to allow me the space to prioritize my own healing and to rebuild a stronger foundation of more trusting and secure relationships—thank you both for your support in my process of becoming.
To my life partners, Jenna and Lolly, who continue to show me the most expanded love I have ever known. Lolly, I am eternally grateful for and ever inspired by your inherent ability to fully embrace yourself and your natural curiosity to understand other perspectives. Jenna, I am eternally grateful for and ever inspired by your inherent ability to be fully connected to your heart and your natural tendency to live a heart-led life.
To all the teachers who have passed on their wisdom and lived experience throughout the ages, may my own journey offer insight and value to our shared collective wisdom so that all who come next may be of benefit.
To all our ancestors, it is through my reconnection to all who have come before that I become more aware of my connection to all there is and all there will ever be. May each of you reading this begin to reconnect with your own infinite nature.
To my team—Brittany, Cristen, Furkan, Mike, MJ, and Tia— thank you for your daily work to embody these teachings and your collaborative efforts in service of our community.
To Dado, who has become an integral part and inspirational champion of all my creations, thank you for choosing to share your gifts to help spread such life-changing messages.
To Sarah Toland, whose open and curious desire to truly understand and translate this work helped to create this beautiful gift to the collective.
To the team at Harper Wave—Amanda, Emma, Karen, Julie, Yelena—who continue to see our vision and wholeheartedly support the creation of these works, and to the Harper Wave design team—Jo, Leah, and Suzy—whose dedicated efforts produced such beautiful artwork, and the production team whose tireless efforts made this book possible.
And finally, to all of you who will continue your own journey back to your heart’s truth, who will collectively join our global movement to change the world around us, and who will inspire others to do the same.
Notes
