“Agreed,” Michael said resolutely.
I was actually surprised at how quickly he agreed with me. I expected him to put up at least a few minutes of resistance and try to argue about how we should seize the opportunity to save ourselves and get out while we still could. But Michael knew in his heart that I was right. We weren’t the kind of people to leave anyone behind (even if the person was the guy that Michael had once wanted to pummel into the ground for trying to steal his woman).
When we got back to the cabin, it was well after dark but at least we had made it without having to stop again. We were all exhausted and starving, but we were here.
“Let’s eat and sleep and pack up whatever we don’t want to leave behind and anything that we’ll need to take with us to Canada. In the morning, we’ll go to the store and get what we need. Then it will be go-time,” Michael said as Adam was sweeping his hand above the top of the cabinet, searching for another full bottle of whiskey.
When he let out a relieved sigh, I knew that he had indeed found one.
“Now see,” Adam said as he pulled the bottle down. “This is why it’s important to always keep a spare handy.”
He popped the top and took a hearty swig of the amber liquid before passing it off to Michael. Thankfully there was still plenty of food in the cabin too, so I pulled out some stuff to make sandwiches and then the three of us took all the food and the whiskey to sit down on the couch. We stared into the empty hearth as we filled our stomachs and coated our insides with the warming tingle of alcohol. Once he had been satiated, Michael went to get some more firewood to start the fire.
“I don’t even know what to bring with me,” I said to Adam as we lingered on the couch and nibbled the crusts of our almost-eaten sandwiches, which we downed with large swallows of liquor. “I mean, we’ve packed up plenty of times before, but never with the intent of leaving forever.”
“I guess the stuff we have doesn’t really mean very much if you ask me,” Adam answered.
I thought for a second that maybe the alcohol was making him philosophical. “As long as we have each other, right?”
I laughed.
“Yeah, you’re right. But aren’t you the one who always makes sure we have whiskey and a blanket? You seem to always be prepared.”
“True,” Adam chuckled. “But I’ll tell you something that I was not prepared for.”
“What?” I asked out of curiosity.
“I wasn’t prepared for you to choose Michael.”
It felt as if my heart had gotten stuck in the bottom of my throat for a second. I thought we were over this. I thought that my decision was accepted now and that we were all just moving on. It wasn’t that I didn’t still have feelings for Adam, because I did. But I knew that it was Michael that I would be with and it was time for all of us to move on from the days of all being together—even if a part of me still wanted to stay wrapped up in those times.
“I mean, I was surprised at the beginning, when you first chose him,” Adam clarified. “I realize that there’s been some back and forth with all of the weird circumstances. But I really thought that when you went to make that choice, that it would be me.”
“You did?” I asked, acting as if I was completely shocked by it when in fact, I wasn’t. There had always been a small part of me that had teetered on the edge of choosing Adam. I had in my heart always known that it would be Michael, but I would have been lying if I didn’t admit to at least having considered the fact that the pull toward Adam was a strong one. I think that Adam knew it too. I think that’s what made it so hard for him to accept. He knew that it was almost him.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” he said as he cozied up against my shoulder.
“If I hadn’t chosen anyone, if I had wanted to stay together with all of us, would you have been okay with that?” I asked.
Adam took in a deep sigh and then tilted his head against mine. It felt cozy, as if we were the oldest and best friends in the world. It felt like a place that I never wanted to leave. In the back of my mind, a thought echoed. I wanted him to say no. I wanted Adam to tell me that he would never have accepted the possibility of all of us staying together, because I knew that Michael never would. I wanted to know that it wouldn’t have ever been a possibility by any stretch of the imagination because I didn’t want to be tormented by the chance that maybe, just maybe, it could have been that way.
“Yes,” he said with a sweet certainty. “I would have accepted anything just to be with you.”
He closed his eyes as the whiskey started to take its soothing and sleep-inducing effect after a long and physically tedious trek through the mountains, and for a small second, I thought about it. But then I realized that there was only one answer that I needed to know, and that was Michael’s. He couldn’t have lived with it, and I couldn’t live without him.
Michael came back in with an armful of firewood and started a cozy fire. Before we settled in for the night, we packed our bags—one backpack each. This time, it wasn’t packed for just survival. This time, it was packed with the intention of never returning here again. We grabbed our passports, and I tucked my mother’s note into the interior pocket of my backpack. I had a couple of photos that I tucked safely inside as well; one of them was of Julian and I when we were in high school. Damn I still missed him so much. That stupid quote about time dulling pain and making things easier was obviously written by someone who hadn’t known real pain.
I looked over and saw Michael trying to shove one of the fur blankets into his backpack and it looked like it was taking up the entire space in the pack.
“Why are you bringing that?” I asked him. “I thought you said we should only bring the things that are the most important to us.”
“This is one of the most important possessions I have,” he said.
I smiled. “Because of the nights that we made love under the stars?” I asked as I reminisced about some of the most sensual moments that we had together.
“No,” he said. “Because it was the night that you left.”
My smile quickly reverted into a frown and I felt my eyebrows squeeze together until they hurt.
“Why would you want to remember that night?” I asked. “I try to forget about it on an almost daily basis.”
I tried not to beat myself up over that decision of having left them that night, but it does still continue to haunt me.
“Because that was the night that I truly realized that I couldn’t live without you. After that night, I vowed that I would never again let you go. This blanket reminds me of both how much I love you, and how close I was to losing you. It keeps me sharp and makes me feel.”
I wasn’t really sure how to take that explanation, or whether it was a good thing or not. But if the blanket was important enough for him to fill the space in his one bag with, then it was definitely important enough not to leave behind.
“Well, I’m glad you’re bringing it,” I smiled. “I love making love you beneath that blanket and I can’t wait to have countless intimate nights under the stars of whatever sky we end up beneath once we finally figure out where we are going.”
“Me too,” he said as he stopped trying to shove the blanket in and came over to kiss me lightly on the forehead.
“Alright, enough of the mushy shit,” Adam said as he came out of the bedroom with his bag packed. “You guys all packed?”
“Yeah,” I said as I looked around the cabin and felt fairly satisfied that I had gotten everything of utmost importance.
“You?” I asked.
