As I pretend to drift off to sleep.
But over time, I’ve played the part so well, infused it with so much of my own fury, my own apprehension, I fear I’ve forgotten where I end and this weakened version of myself begins.
I wonder if there’s never been a difference.
The tears are real, after all. The darkness that sweeps over my very soul, unfaked.
“Did I?” I force a faint smile to my lips. The faint part is the easy bit, the smile itself feeling like I’m trying to lift a fallen beam off my leg at too strange an angle to fully get a grip on it.
Az nods at my plate of food, which is almost empty. “I’d say that’s an improvement of its own.”
I forced the food down today, only at the pestering of my magic, who refused to stop screaming in my head until I finished my meal.
It will help nothing to starve yourself, he’d told me.
I know that well enough. But it’s something I can control. A simple act of defiance that even Az can’t take away from me.
I’m not sure what, who that makes me, that I would harm myself just to spite him. Just to remind myself that I am my own, and not simply a pawn in his games.
It’s difficult to remember when I’m too busy reminding myself to act as if I love him.
I do so now, examining the face I’ve memorized over the years.
Az hasn’t been sleeping.
I can tell by the faint bruises that have formed underneath his eyes. I hear him pacing all hours of the night on the other side of the wall that separates our quarters.
Even in the daytime, he acts strangely. His hands have developed a tremor, his eyelids a strange twitch.
“You look ill,” I say. It’s effortful, but I manage to infuse my voice with concern.
Az takes in a deep breath. I don’t miss how he clenches his hands to steady the tremors. “The Others are more difficult to control than I expected. It takes extreme focus to reign over their minds. I’ve found when I sleep, the control slips.”
My heart beats wildly, and I can’t decide if it’s out of hope or fright. On one hand, this will be the first weakness Az has revealed. On the other…
“A pack of mere attacked a group of Meranthi citizens a few nights ago when I dozed off,” he explains.
Pain swells in my throat. “Anyone we know?”
Az shakes his head. “Not personally, no. But I never meant for our own to suffer.” He straightens. “I’ll just have to be more vigilant.”
I fight the urge to gape. “But Az, you can’t just stay awake all hours.”
He offers me an appeasing smile. “What? You don’t have faith in me?”
No. No, I don’t.
“I found a healer who specializes in this sort of thing,” he says. “Turns out there’s an elixir that keeps the body from needing sleep.”
I find my gaze slipping to his still-twitching hand.
“That’s enough about me, though,” he says, sitting on the bed next to me. I tense at his nearness, the way his shoulder brushes against mine. “Do you feel…do you feel that you’re getting better?”
I stare at the empty mirror frame across the room, allowing my gaze to trace the pattern of war and bloodshed the artist found fit to carve into the gold.
“Some,” I say, my throat dry. “I just…” I bite my lip. It’s dry too.
“You just what?” Az slips his fingers into mine, resting both of our hands on my leg. His thumb caresses my skin, occasionally slipping and brushing my thigh.
I want to vomit, bile swirling in my gut, but I hold it in.
This won’t work if he knows just how disgusted I am by him.
“Well, I’m lonely, Az.”
He frowns, sadness overcoming his sage-green eyes as he looks me over. “I know I’ve been busy with ruling matters. I’ve been so consumed with creating a kingdom where I can keep you safe, I haven’t been here for you. That will change, Asha.”
Despair constricts my throat at the idea of Az spending more time with me, but I swallow it down. “Thank you,” I say, and I think perhaps it’s the worst lie I’ve ever told. “But I know you’re busy with important things. This is the beginning of your reign, the dawn of a new dynasty. The groundwork you lay now will determine the fate of Alondria for centuries to come. You can’t neglect that just because I’m a wimp.”
Az smiles down at me, and for a moment, he actually looks like himself. Like the Az I remember, before greed and lust for power devoured my friend’s heart from the inside.
It hurts. It hurts worse than anything, seeing what can become of someone who used to be good.
“I won’t neglect anything, Asha. I promise. This kingdom is somewhere our children will be safe by the time I’m done with it.”
I have to stop breathing in order to keep from reacting to that. Our children. Az made me his queen, even if it was in a manner that utterly ignored marriage laws that had been held for centuries. Overlooked the fact that Kiran is my husband and I his wife.
Recently, I hoped Az making me his queen was more about making a public sign to the people that he’d ruined Kiran. What’s a bolder statement of power than to take the previous king’s bride for your own?
