One smile, his sea-green eyes crinkling, and every vow I swore to myself goes up in flames.
He crosses the hall in the span of a second, and then he’s picking me up, engulfing me in a hug so tall and tight that my feet dangle off the ground and I can hardly breathe.
“You have no idea how much I missed you,” he says.
He doesn’t know that actually, I do.
When he sets me down, it’s too soon for my fluttering heart, but it’s worth it to get to see his tanned face again, especially the way he looks at me like I hung the moon.
“Well?” he asks, scrunching up his nose in a way that always had me giggling as a child, and hasn’t failed yet. “Are you happy to see me?”
Happy.
I like how when Andy says it, it doesn’t seem so far out of reach.
And besides, if happy is what Andy wants from me, then happy is what I’ll be.
CHAPTER 53
BLAISE
The discussion of how the Queen of Mystral fooled everyone into thinking she was of noble birth soon devolves into an argument between Asha and Kiran over whether the Old Magic should have recognized her at the council meeting. Eventually, Ellie speaks up and suggests that perhaps I might benefit from some rest if they moved the conversation elsewhere.
Part of me is relieved, thankful to my friend for noticing my needing a break to think, but the other part of me fears being left on my own. Of what will be left of me once the noise is gone.
As it turns out, I don’t have to find out just yet. After exchanging the slightest of nods with Ellie, Evander stays behind as the rest of the group files out of the room.
He perches himself on the end of the bed, resting his back against the post and bringing his knees to his chest. It gives him a boyish look that’s almost humorous, and I wonder if he’s aware of it. I have a feeling he does; one thing Evander does best is making himself the fool so others feel more comfortable.
I can’t help but love him for it.
We sit in silence for a moment, and Evander clears his throat. I can’t stand it, the awkwardness between us, so I say, “So I died. Pretty sure you haven’t done that yet, in your attempt to master all the experiences the world has to offer.”
He doesn’t laugh, and I cringe inwardly.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, and I can’t bear to hear him apologize, not when the mess I’ve gotten myself into isn’t his fault.
“Please don’t be. Remorse isn’t all that flattering on you,” I say, nudging him with my leg underneath the blanket.
But Evander isn’t joking.
“Fates, Blaise. That awful woman…she kept you locked up. All that time, I thought you were mourning your father.” He squints and grits his teeth. “No, I knew.” His fist goes to his gut. “I knew here that something wasn’t right. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I wrote you those stupid letters, like that was at all helpful.”
I find myself reaching across the bed. I can’t reach very far, so my hand lands on his shin, but I hope it’s comforting just the same. “Your letters were the only thing that got me through. They were the only ray of light in a world of darkness. So don’t you dare apologize for them.”
Evander swallows, and his tanned throat bobs, like something’s stuck inside it. “I should have helped you. I should have known something was wrong.” His gaze dips to my belly, and I realize I’ve rested my other hand upon it subconsciously.
Immense sadness plagues his face. “You were twelve,” he whispers.
My throat is burning, and it’s the best I can do to nod.
“Was it…the father…” Evander clears his throat. “Was he… Was he your age, too?”
Something in my heart goes very, very numb as I shake my head.
Evander buries his face in his hands and takes a deep breath. “Just give me a name, and I’ll hunt him down.”
“It wouldn’t be much use. I never knew his surname,” I realize, numbly, for the first time.
Evander emerges from his hands, and when he looks at me, it’s with a grief I haven’t witnessed since Jerad’s death.
Jerad’s death that he takes responsibility for.
Just like he takes responsibility for this.
“It was a long time ago,” I say, and though it’s not a lie, it feels interchangeable with one on my tongue.
Evander shakes his head in disbelief. “You always seemed so…so happy. I was so worried about you after your father passed, but then you showed up in the palace foyer with that bright grin on your face, and I just thought…”
I squirm on the bed.
“I thought I’d never seen someone grieve and come out the other side looking like that.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him that the smile was for him, so he wouldn’t have to bear my pain.
I don’t think I have to tell him. The way he looks at me, I know it dawns on him.
He tries to hide it, but there’s no concealing the flicker of realization in his sea-green eyes. No hiding the dots beginning to connect.
