"Talashnama" by Ismail Darbesh

‘You don’t have to explain that to me. But he’s still a Maulana Saheb. He’s employed, he has honour.’

‘Look Rizi, just look at me once. Please listen to me carefully. Your uncles don’t want you to come to any harm. If the two of us get married, it’s good for both of us. I know you don’t like me. I’m an ignorant man. But just see, I’ll be a good man one day. Once we’re married, I’ll build a market on your land. We can run our family with the rent from the shops. Do you know what a shop rents for now in Sadnahati?’

Riziya turned her face towards Raqib. She thought, if this is what he thinks, it’s better to die; that’s better than having him as a life companion. Chhee! What a base mindset! Nevertheless, she tried to explain once again. She said, ‘That’s not the issue. One can run one’s family one way or another. But actually, there can never be a meeting of minds between us. Try to understand that. What are you, and what am I?’

‘What are you? Just a woman! Yes, I agree, you’re educated. So what’s the big deal? Who said there can’t be a meeting of minds? You know Samsuddin, I mean Samu, from the other hamlet, don’t you? He gets drunk and lies on the street. His wife, too, is educated. The daughter of a teacher. They’re married! Their children are grown up too!’

Riziya lost control over herself now. She had never seen someone as hellbent as this in all her life. She retorted angrily, ‘Listen to me! Let me tell you my final word. Actually, you are not worthy of me. If you want to marry me, you have to be worthy of me. But you are not. How are you worthy?’

Blood rushed to Raqib’s head when he heard that. He snarled and spat out, ‘So you’re not willing! Bloody orphan girl, you grew up in our house, and you teach me about worthiness? Only that fucker Maulana Saheb is worthy, isn’t it? Go and marry him! Let’s see how he does that!’

Riziya was stunned to hear that. Was he going to make trouble! Both of them were silent for a long while. Although Raqib said what he did, he calmed down the very next moment; his appearance turned normal. And then the situation changed at once. He smiled and said to Riziya, ‘Did you get scared, Rizi? I was just joking! Achchha, all right, you do as you please. But your Hujur is indeed a lucky man. He got a whole bunch of fruits without even climbing the tree! Go, I’m making way for you. But…’

Riziya had really got scared initially. But after Raqib’s assurances, she regained her composure and sat down on the cot. Raqib said to her, ‘Sit a while. I’ll just go and have some tea. I need tea at this time. I’ve got a headache. I’ll go to the kitchen and be back.’

Riziya nodded in assent. After Raqib left the room, Riziya felt quite cheerful. So she had finally been able to convince him. She felt happy about her achievement. She pondered, one had to reach the root of the problem. If a rotten cat fell into the well, how could merely removing the water suffice? The cat had to be removed and thrown away. Riziya had been able to remove the rotten cat now. If her Chhoto Mama pressurized her and insisted that she marry Raqib, Riziya would simply smile. Raqib himself would disagree with the marriage. She felt some compassion for Raqib. It occurred to her that once everything was sorted out, she would certainly give a part of her land to Raqib; she wouldn’t deprive him. Riziya believed that every person had both a good and a bad side to them. Whichever of the two was awakened, was subsequently expressed. She had been able to tame Raqib. It was easier to tame a wild tiger in the forest than the one in the mind! Riziya felt relieved at being rid of a complicated problem in her life. Raqib returned after about ten minutes. Riziya could hear him humming a song as he came up the stairs. She was pleased. So Raqib’s inner self was indeed likeable! As he entered the room, she observed that he had a cup of tea in each hand; he extended one towards Riziya.

‘Here, Rizi, have some tea.’

‘But I don’t have tea at this time. Actually, I should go now. So it’s final then? You’ll tell Mama that you won’t marry me. All right?’

‘Yes, it’s all right. We agreed, didn’t we! Come, have the tea. And tell me why you like Maulana Saheb?’

For some reason, Riziya now felt a liking towards the person she had disliked from her childhood, to whom she had never accorded the respect due to anyone, and with whom she had never spoken politely. She felt a bit embarrassed at Raqib’s query. She took the cup from him. She took a sip and said, ‘I like him. He likes me too.’

‘Did he tell you that he will live here?’

‘Yes.’

They conversed as they had the tea. The tea was a bit tasteless. How could menfolk prepare tea, Riziya wondered! She finished her tea.

‘So won’t he continue to be the imam of the mosque? Will he live as a ghor-jamai?’

‘I don’t know. He may continue as imam.’

The conversation between them proceeded at a leisurely pace. But suddenly, Riziya felt that Raqib’s words were floating past her. Much as she tried to keep her eyes open, her sight turned hazy. Raqib’s face seemed to blend into darkness. She felt dizzy too. She had no sense of what she was saying to Raqib. After a lot of effort, she managed to say, ‘Why do I feel like this? I feel terribly sleepy. I’ll leave now.’

‘Just sit for a little while. You can go after that. Don’t you take a nap in the afternoon? I’ve behaved very badly with you from the time you were small, I swore at you. Please don’t keep all that in your mind!’

‘Hmm.’

‘You be here. Let me take away the cups. I’ll be back at once.’

‘Hmm.’

Raqib rushed out. He returned after about five minutes. He observed Riziya yawning frequently. She was really very sleepy. When she tried to rise, she fell down. Raqib held her. He laid her down on the cot.

When Riziya woke up to the sound of the Maghrib azan, the room was in complete darkness. She could hear Tahirul reciting the azan. After being disoriented for some time, she realized that she was still lying on Raqib’s cot. When she sought to sit up hurriedly, she felt an acute pain in her body. Her clothes were dishevelled. Her pyjama was wet and pulled down. Notwithstanding her inexperience, it was not difficult for Riziya to figure out what had happened to her! She felt at a complete loss. She just sat dumbfounded. She felt as if she was no longer in this world. Had this happened to her of all people? She couldn’t believe that someone would do this to her. Was there a sleeping pill in the tea? So Raqib had remained a beast till the end!

What could a humiliated, dishonoured, raped woman do at such a moment? Riziya had no clue about what she would do! What ought she to do? She felt like breaking into tears. But the curse of something called disbelief seemed to have stifled her voice. Shock and bewilderment had made her immobile like a stone. She wept, and instead of making a sound, a suffocating feeling of repentance made her gasp for air. She was seized by a huge sense of shame. She had to leave at once.

Riziya returned to her senses and left the room. Her legs were unsteady as she went down the stairs. She descended to the veranda below and sought to cross the courtyard. Raqib’s Ma spotted her. Boro Mami and the others had returned from the wedding!

‘Hey, stop! Why are you here? Didn’t you know that none of us were at home? What were you doing upstairs at this time?’

Riziya was unable to say a single word. The environment here was not conducive for her to make even the slightest complaint. She walked away circumspectly. As soon as she reached her house, she went to the bathroom. She was awash with nauseous hatred. She vomited violently. Chhoto Mami shouted out, ‘What happened, Rizi dear! Why are you vomiting? Where were you all evening? Is it something you ate?’

Riziya did not reply. She felt exhausted after having vomited a lot. She sat down in the bathroom itself. What had happened to her? The scenes floated by again and again in her imagination. Emptying out all the water stored in the bathroom, she washed herself from head to toe. So that not even the tiniest sign remained. After that, a silent sob burst out from deep inside her. The salty tears from her eyes wet her again.

Riziya didn’t sleep a wink all night. Her lonely female heart scorched by a deep sense of self-hatred and remorse, she simply wept with her face buried in the pillow. When she got up from bed the next day, it was late in the morning. She could hear the sound of shouting in the other house. She pricked up her ears and heard Boro Mami quarrelling with Rahman’s wife. Apparently, late last night, Raqib had packed his things and gone away somewhere. After returning from the wedding, Rahman’s wife had taken off all her ornaments, and those were missing. Cash was also missing from the cupboard. He had taken Boro Mami’s own ornaments too and disappeared. Raqib was a fugitive.

Although everyone in the household was shocked that Raqib had left without telling anyone anything and stolen from his own house, Riziya was not surprised at all. A futile rage gnawed away at her head.

fifty

Reshma Bhabi had said to Riziya, ‘Be strong, Rizi.’ But she had no idea about the magnitude of the wrong committed upon her. Rape was the name of the ultimate act of oppression on a woman, which was more horrific than even death. Riziya wanted to tell her, but she couldn’t. She wept and repented. When she hadn’t been able to tell Reshma Bhabi, then who else could she tell? Riziya didn’t know how she could be strong. The girl whose outward firmness had been evident all these days was now so panic-stricken and terrified that she had confined herself to her own world. That world was desolate and devoid of a single soul. There was no one there whom Riziya, mentally and physically vulnerable, could tell of her plight. She hadn’t bathed or eaten. Her Chhoto Mama could simply not understand what had happened to the girl! She seemed to have withered in a week. If she was asked to be taken to the doctor, she buried her face in her hands. Salaam Miya interpreted it wrongly. He thought that it was the marriage that she was unhappy about, and was doing all this out of stubbornness. Everything would become all right eventually. He didn’t pay much attention either.

Of course, Riziya was steadily trying to be strong. But Reshma Bhabi had no idea how difficult it was to be strong under her circumstances.

Tahirul was worried that he might face major opposition for the first time now. There wasn’t a single imam in Muslim localities where a hundred per cent of the musulli accorded him the honour due to a worthy imam. In fact, there were some musulli who were opposed to him from the beginning. Their numbers were so negligible that he never had to worry about them. He had faced opposition from Maruf and his friends as well. There were some among them who used to recite the prayers as they stood in the assembly behind the imam and then repeat the prayer. They were of the view that if they disliked the imam, thought him to be unworthy, or if they suspected the imam, why should they pray behind him? After all, the people prayed inwardly, repeating after him! Nonetheless, they had to do that. Even if they were bound to a gathering fearing discord, their minds cavilled. So they recited the obligatory prayer again, all alone. This class of musulli had grown in number of late. While leaving his spot after the conclusion of the prayer, Tahirul observed that quite a few people were reciting prayers by themselves. But the afternoon Asr prayer was a brief affair. Had all these people been unable to join the prayer gathering? He later got the news that all of them were repeating the prayer. Tahirul was displeased, he felt insulted. So many people had begun to dislike him. But why?

The imams of mosques usually faced a particular problem. They sought to handle both religious and worldly matters smoothly, and at the same time. In most cases, they failed. On the one hand, worldliness beckoned, and on the other was a deep belief in the afterlife. Caught in between, they suffered extreme problems.

If the matter of his intimacy with Riziya had been broadcast, then that fact was not at all favourable as far as an imam was concerned. More important than losing the job was the fear of losing the honour bestowed by Allah! And if your honour was lost, you were finished. Once word spread, there would be no place for him in nearby localities. Tahirul had retreated into himself. He felt a bit angry with Riziya. Not exactly angry – one could call it a great annoyance. He thought that she was a foolish girl. Instead of keeping matters of the heart between two people confidential, the crazy girl had herself gone and told a few people. Tahirul had not really told anyone. And he had definitely not told anyone in Sadnahati.