“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” My throat tightens with emotion as I say words I hadn’t uttered since the accident. “It has been-,” I need a moment to calculate and think. Was it the morning of the crash? Or the day before? Does it matter if I’m precise? I’m fairly certain I’m damned for hell already. “-two weeks since my last confession.”
The estimate should be close enough. Being more specific will only require me to relive more of the trauma.
I wasn’t there, but I still imagine the squealing of the tires. The way her heart must have stopped, frozen with the horror of seeing what’s going to happen right before it does. What final thoughts came to her mind?
“What do you wish to confess, my child?”
The soft voice of the priest brings me back from the scenes I can’t escape whether waking or sleeping.
“Impure thoughts.” I swallow hard. “About a man.”
Heat lights my cheeks on fire from the inside out. I wipe my sweaty palms on the knees of my jeans.
The enclosed space of the confessional feels smaller than ever before. What once was a vast place to play as a child constricts like a coffin now. I’ve aged more in the last two weeks than my entire nineteen years.
“Now that can’t be too terrible,” the priest replies in a soothing manner. “After all, attraction to the opposite sex is a gift from the Lord. Unless…” he clears his throat. “Is the man whose attention you long for married?”
Not anymore. As of two weeks ago, he’s a widower. The admitting brings tears to my eyes. Damnit. I’ve been crying so much these last fourteen days that the ache in my throat is constant.
“No, Father. He’s recently single.”
I play with the wedding band on my finger. After the accident, I asked for it. To remember her by. I never expected to wear it, really. I just wanted to feel close to her, like I could carry a huge part of her life with me.
For two days, the little circle of gold inlaid with diamonds rested on my dresser where I would notice it first thing in the morning and kiss it last thing at night. Right after saying my prayers.
But the morning after the funeral, I woke up with it on my hand.
And that wasn’t the only new thing in my bed.
“Then what troubles you about this, my child. Tell me how you’re sinning.”
How the fuck does he sound so calm and innocent? My heart is dragging me along like a runaway horse, and I got caught with one foot in the stirrup.
This is difficult enough already. Is he going to make me spell it out? Like he doesn’t know.
My fingers twist and war with each other in my lap. Why didn’t I think to bring a tissue with me? Now I need like twenty of them.
I sniff and cringe at the sound of the snot in my nostrils. Even now, while I feel the Lord might strike me down for my iniquities, I long to be sexy. To remain desirable.
I might as well get it over with, delaying won’t make it any easier. I keep my voice down in case anyone lingers outside.
“I’m having impure thoughts about my father, Father.”
* * *
Can’t wait to get started? Yes, Father is available for early reading on Kindle Vella starting with episode 49 of Obedience by M.T. Ames.
OR
M.T. Ames projects can also be found at ReamStories.com/TirzahMMHawkins. Other Authors You May Enjoy:
Tirzah M.M. Hawkins is an author of all things dark and disturbing including horror, fantasy, and snippets of sci-fi. She started writing stories when she was ten years old. Some of her favorite stories at that age were The Hobbit and The Chronicles of Narnia.
After watching too many horror movies at a young age, she’s only been able to sleep with her feet uncovered at night for a few years now.
She lives with her husband Daniel, cat Juno, dogs Zelda and Ajax, the two goats Milo and Jasper, Simba the horse, and three unnamed chickens who are too old now to lay eggs and just cost money.
Her favorite hobbies are reading, writing, researching, singing, painting and listening to music. She believes that my writing is most influenced by J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephen King, and George R.R. Martin. Tirzah’s Party is on Ream
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