I’d missed almost a whole day of work today. I’d have to log in tonight after Emma went to sleep.
My job had always been flexible. I could pretty much do it whenever I wanted to, as long as I logged in for the morning stand-up and put in my hours. But now, if I didn’t work while the kids were in school, I couldn’t get anything done. I got up at 6:30 to get them out the door, made them a hot breakfast because that’s what Mom always did, even though it meant cleanup and less time to sleep. I took Chelsea to preschool, worked from 9:00 to 4:30 basically nonstop. Then it was pick up Chelsea, homework with Sarah, activities, laundry, chores, dinner, bath time, and my whole day was gone.
I had no idea how single parents did this. I had no time for anything, let alone myself.
But for Emma, I would make time. It wasn’t even a question. I would fit her into the complicated web that was my life. Because when you’re in love, you do hard things.
And nothing about anything was easy right now.
CHAPTER 40 EMMA
Today was my birthday.
I felt better this morning. I’d been small for the rest of the day yesterday, but I was glad I came home with Justin.
He’d made dinner after picking up Chelsea, served me a plate, put me in bed, and I watched TV while he worked at his desk by the window with noise-canceling headphones on. I lay there and I mostly watched him instead of the show. It was grounding. It calmed me having him nearby. I felt my edges unravel again, the gradual untightening until I was almost back to normal.
It wasn’t lost on me that Maddy pushed me to go with him instead of staying with her.
She would never let someone else take care of me unless she was sure they could do it. And he could. I hated that he had to, but he could.
Mom couldn’t. She never had. It was very much the other way around and that had never been more clear to me than now.
Neil had to know by now what she’d done. Was I going to get a call to pick her up? Would she be standing on the curb with her bags, no money and nowhere to go? Or worse, would the call come from the police station when Neil reported the missing things she took?
I hated that this was what I got to think about today.
It’s funny because I realized Maddy was right. Mom would forget it was my birthday. The only call I’d get this morning would be one where she needed something.
And Maddy was right about something else too—I did care more about Amber than I cared about myself. I needed to think about that. I had to unpack this situation with my mother. I didn’t like the way I was living or the responsibility I’d assumed for her.
I wanted to block her. Even just for today. But this went against everything I’d spent my life doing.
All I ever did was wait for Amber. Sitting around hoping she’d come home or the phone would ring. But the calls were never good. They hardly ever brought me any sort of happiness—in fact, they usually did the opposite.
If I blocked her, it would feel like clocking out of a job that I’d been at with no breaks for the last twenty years. If I did it, it would not only keep her from calling, it would keep me from knowing if she didn’t—and both things would protect my peace. And I hadn’t felt peace in a really, really long time. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave her in the world with no one.
Even if she could do that to me.
So I settled for turning off my ringer instead and I got up to go find Justin.
I came downstairs still in my pajamas, following the smell of bacon, glad I was actually in the right headspace to eat with everyone. When the stair creaked as I made my way to the kitchen, Sarah poked her head out the door and saw me coming. “She’s here!” She darted back the way she came.
I turned the corner just as Justin was lighting the candles on a stack of pancakes. Alex and Sarah flanked him on either side.
“Happy birfday!” Chelsea said. She ran and hugged my legs.
I hugged her back and beamed at the setup. He’d made me confetti pancakes. There was a HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner hanging from the light fixture and a present wrapped in colorful paper with a gold bow sitting in the middle of the table.
I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect anything unless it was Maddy.
He pulled my chair out. “For the birthday girl.”
I couldn’t stop smiling. “Thank you.”
I sat and he pushed my chair in and kissed the side of my head.
“All right, ready?” he said, rubbing his hands together. “One, two…”
They burst into the “Happy Birthday” song. Alex started belting it like an opera singer. Sarah glared at him, and Chelsea descended into giggles. Justin laughed through the last half and when it ended, I blew out the candles. Everyone cheered.
Justin set a Starbucks napkin next to my plate and sat next to me. “I hope you like what I got you.”
“Do you want me to open it now?”
“Presents!” Chelsea said, bouncing a little.
“Open it! Open it!” Alex chanted.
Sarah looked annoyed at her siblings’ enthusiasm, but by the way she was waiting, I could tell she wanted to see what it was.
“Okay.” I pulled the box into my lap.
“Maddy helped me with it,” Justin said.
“She did?”
“Yup.”
