She nodded.

“Is this okay?” she asked, fingertips slipping over the front of my pants.

I made a noise in the back of my throat.

My whole body was electric. I could barely breathe.

“Do you want to go back to your place?” she said breathlessly. “Try out the air mattress?”

“Yes,” I said. “Fuck yes.”

“You’re okay with casual sex, right?” she said. “I just want to be sure.”

The words powered me down instantly. Everything that was on, shut off. I pulled my face away from hers.

She blinked up at me out of breath. “What?”

I couldn’t even speak. I felt like I’d been doused in cold water.

“Justin, what?”

I just stared at her.

“You really don’t…” I didn’t know how to complete the sentence.

You really don’t what? Want it to mean anything? Like me enough to want me for more than just sex? You could really do that with me and then just… go?

I let go of her and took a step back in the grass. I had to turn away. I couldn’t even look at her.

So that’s really what this was.

But how upset could I be? She’d never said she would stay. In fact, she’d said she wouldn’t. It was all me, hoping, thinking that maybe this could be something different than it actually is.

I could feel her study me. “What’s wrong? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

I paused. “I’m thinking I like you a lot more than you like me.” I looked over at her, and her expression was an apology.

“Justin…”

“You don’t have to explain it. Don’t.”

She licked her lips. “I’m leaving in a few weeks. I thought we were just having fun—”

“We are. It’s fine.”

Her eyes roamed my face. “I like you, Justin.”

I glanced at her.

“I like you a lot,” she said.

“But?”

“You’re just in a different place than I am—”

“Then meet me where I am.”

She held my gaze and I could see by the look in her eye that she wouldn’t.

I fixed my stare on the shoe in the grass. “Is it because of the kids?”

I was almost afraid to ask it, but I wanted to be clear.

Her silence was the answer.

“Can I ask you a question?” I looked up at her. “If they weren’t a factor, what would be different?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe if you’d be willing to come with me—”

“So you do feel this between us? I’m not just imagining it.”

She was quiet for a long moment. “Yes,” she whispered. “I feel it.” She peered at me. “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s just—”

“Seriously. I don’t need to know any more.”

And I didn’t. She didn’t owe me an explanation, and I didn’t want one. Because what would it change?

You can’t negotiate feelings. You can’t convince someone they feel something they don’t. She either felt for me strongly enough to stay and accept my situation with my family, or she didn’t.

And she didn’t.

I didn’t think there could be anything worse than her not wanting me like I wanted her. But there was. It was her wanting me and losing her to a circumstance that wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t change.

I was crushed. Completely crushed.

She stood there in the grass, still barefoot, giving me an expression that looked a lot like pity.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Thank you for being honest with me.”

We heard the garage door opening around the corner, but we didn’t move from our sad little standoff. A car rumbled to life, and Neil started to back his Mercedes down the driveway, rolling into our line of sight.

Amber’s voice cut through the night. “Fuck you, Neil!”

My head jerked to look at Emma, and her eyes went wide.

A large projectile flew from the direction of the carport and crashed into the grille of the sedan. Neil slammed on the brakes just as Amber darted into view to pick up the thing she threw and vanished back into the garage.

Emma and I bolted around to the grass next to the driveway. Amber stood just inside the carport, barefoot, mascara streaming down her face. “Fuck you, you piece of shit!”